Anonymous

I have wandered, with this lute of one string
Over the ages, singing only your songs
This path has no end, and I am so tired
I pause for a moment, my voice, it breaks
O then my Lord, do you feel the pain too?
Twilight it is, for the children of the sky
Float down to earth to rest in their nests
I too must rest, find some place to sleep
But search as might, the path is too dark
Somewhere far off, a little lamp shines
But I do not know how I can reach it
Lonely and sad I wait by these woods
The night is so black, hope dies in my heart
Then so suddenly, up in the sky
The moon, she breaks free from the shadowy cloud
Her smile fills the void, drives away the darkness
I float in her light, singing your song again.
Sing on I shall, though my songs wither,

Like these flowers that die in the heat of the sun.
For though my songs fall on your ears no more,
Still then my soul will seek you forever

Guineapiggy

I have to say I like this a lot. There are plenty of tales of tragic love out there but this seems more human simply because it's not all doom and gloom. Lines like

"Sing on I shall, though my songs wither, "

sound like vague acceptance of his situation instead of screaming, 'Oh, I die of a broken heart'.

If there's one thing I'd have to make a point of it's that the poem structure itself seems very disjointed and manic and this really doesn't reflect the quiet depression the words portray. Maybe something smoother would have worked better though the loose and occasional rhymes do present that feeling of being slightly numb and confused after said events which I enjoyed.

Only other thing I can think of is that you should either make the langauge completely dated or modern but not jumping between the two. What I mean by this is highlighted in:

O then my Lord, do you feel the pain too?
Twilight it is, for the children of the sky

Seems a bit odd... try changing the first line or replacing it is with 'tis, the genre seems a little bastardised.

Of course, s'just my opinion but I hope it helps

CrimsonDawn85

First advice I would give you is to work on punctuation. According to the punctuation you have your first sentence is: I have wandered, with this lute of one string over the ages, singing only your songs this path has no end, and I am so tired I pause for a moment, my voice, it breaks O then my Lord, do you feel the pain too? To me, that seems like an extra long sentence. Many people have problems with punctuations in poetry. I’m one of them! A lot of people also think that you pause at the end of every line when you read poetry. If there is not a punctuation mark at the end of the line your not suppose to pause.

But search as I might. Is that what you meant right there? It doesn’t really make sense to me without the word I.

I don’t understand why there is a gap between the lines Sing on I shall, though my songs wither, and Like these flowers that die in the heat of the sun. It’s not my poem though and probably makes sense to you.

Something about the last line seems a bit odd to me but I can’t put my finger on it.

No that I’m done ripping you apart I’ll tell you how much I love this poem. Twilight it is, for the children of the sky. I really like that line. All in all it’s very good there’s just a few mistakes to fix.