Poetry is something that normally invites a lot of interpretation. There is no narrator to explain what the lines meant, no context (generally speaking) and no way to understand the poem, but through the poem itself.
Even in poems that may be unclear in meaning at first (for example "The Red Wheelbarrow" by William Carlos Williams) the reader KNOWS something is important. Just by the words used, and the POSITION of the words. Yes, position. Even punctuation. I know that it's acceptable to play fast and loose with proper grammar and syntax while righting poetry, but I sress: not at the expense of the poem's idea and purpose.
That said, I don't think there's anything "wrong" with this poem. Not that I say it's perfect...but poetry can be incredibly subjective. And for me to say that this line or that line is "wrong"...well...it isn't right. What I mean is that there is room for improvement.
First, consider your rhyme scheme. As an English major, who studied modern poetry (Pound, Williams, Eliot, etc) there was something reiterated again and again: form matches function.
The FORM of the poem will MATCH it's main theme/idea/purpose.
What do I mean by that?
Nursery Rhymes are generally rhymed couplets. This is not a sweet, innocent poem. But because of the incredibly blatant rhyme scheme, the poem is restricted. It is forced into regularity. Which doesn't fit this poem. In my opinion, of course.
The narrator FEELS trapped, this is true. But the rhyme scheme slips into a "duh duh dah dah dee dee" and it takes away from the struggle. This poem is about STRUGGLE. Let the poem struggle with itself. Let it fight those "restraints". And then finally, just as the narrator is resolved...let the poem be resolved as well.
Poetry doesn't have to be flowery language, thee's and thou's and words jumbled for the sake of rhyme scheme or meter (I'm glad we no longer have to worry about iambic pentameter or dactylic hexameter...I'd never want to write poetry *L*)
Of course...you don't have to listen to a word I say. Just a few suggestions.
