Anonymous

And so it was her plight to feel this sudden desolation when but a few minutes before her ecstasy had been apparent. To her, in that instant, that indefinable moment when all light faded and gray seemed to permeate her perceptions, all eyes were upon her. The censure and derision she saw, whether real or imagined, was palpable. To smell, taste, touch and see that foulness racked her body with shudders of apprehension, encouraging her eyes to close, to block out those appalling glares. Urging her fingers upward toward her lips, to squelch that unwanted and uncontrollable gasp that welled from deep inside. Calling to her limbs to lunge forward, escape, running into the throng, out into the frigid wind, onto the pavement, beyond the stares and whispers she was sure she could see. Feet resonant in her ears, Thump, Thump! Thump, Thump! ‘til her breath came in erratic gasps and nothing was in front nor behind her. Each inhale seared her lungs, filled her soul with its purity. Each exhale exorcised those demons within. And she stopped, looked around at the emptiness. Barren fields harvested long ago, forgotten until spring; to the north, south, east, and west- nothing. The quiet slashed into her, rendering her naked, helpless. Once again she felt that foreboding. And she knew. And she cried. Cried the silent tears of a woman too accustomed to the pain. The silence was broken, shattered, by the distant cry of a loon, as if it spoke only to her. In its’ cry she heard its message of loneliness as if all of her life she had understood its’ language, learned its’ profound meaning. To remind, its’ cry knifed through the silence once again. Sinking to the hard chilled ground, she understood that loneliness, she knew what the loon knew, heard what he heard. Loneliness is second only to death. And she felt then as she had before that all was indeed lost. Lower she sank, cheek lightly resting upon the raped cold earth, tears seeping into the soil. And she begged, over and over, to someone- anyone- no one, to be found.

Anonymous

" the quiet slashed into her" I had read up to this point and this really brings home the pain she feels. It was placed effectively and I really think it worked. I'm not an expert but my response was to empathise if not feel sympathy for this woman.

Amanda

HappyTyping

You have reallly showed the internal state of your main character which helps us to get the right perspective on the story. I feel like I understand her emotional state completely.

Here's some observations I have made.

1. The action in this scene is confusing. I had to read the scene twice to understand what was going on. I understand her emotional state but I wasn't sure whether she was actually moving or standing still and having a flashback.

You have put a lot of effort into explaining how she feels but skip over what she does. It would strengthen the scene to describe her actions in a bit more detail, creating a better balance between introspection and movement.

2. There is no information about the setting. There are only two references in the piece that describe the setting, when you mention the earth and the pavement. This left me completely blind about the time period of the piece, it's mood and the context. It also contributes to the confusion about what is happening.

3. I do not know why she is feeling this way. There is nothing in the piece to suggest what she is reacting to and why. All we know is that she is an hysterical woman.

I am sure you have a reason for her reaction and it would make the scene more powerful if we were to get a glimpse of what that was. If you want it to be a mystery then you still need to provide us with some sort of clue as to whether she is reacting to something she has seen or something that has been said.

4. Use paragraphs and indentations. It's really hard to read one big long chunk of writing. Plus formatting your text adds pace and timing to your work. Writing like this is the equivalent of an actor delivering all his lines in a single breath. Unless the reader sees white space they wont know where to pause and take a breath.

Best of luck with your writing.

Anonymous

I have no earthly idea what is happening to her either, but in my mind I'm thinking she was a character forgotten in "The Stand" .........
maybe in a post-nuclear fallout.........
Either way you have a particularly effective way of conveying to me what she is feeling......I like it!

melissa

Hi there First off I want to tell you that this piece of writing has great potential. But, as said before, you have left your readers wondering what is going on. As I read it, I felt overwhelmed by the amount of description about what this woman was feeling. If there was more detail to the setting, and less to the woman, it would have left me wondering. I would have felt compelled to read more so that I could find out why this woman was running, and what she was running from. Then, as you move further into the story, you could explain more about her inner conflicts and where they have evolved from and why.

Melissa