Katastrof

He sat there with her underneath the dark blanket of the sky and felt warm. His tux was drenched, but with her beside him he didn’t feel so cold. Sure, he was on the verge of hypothermia and shivering, but at least he wasn’t shivering alone. And the sky had lent him a blanket.


They sat together in the moonlight beside the fountain he had fallen into. They had been laughing about what had happened. Laughing about how he had tried to dance on the edge to prove his point that it didn’t matter how many shots of liquor he had, he could do anything just fine. Giggling because she had torn a two hundred dollar pure white satin dress at the hip, but it was okay because she had borrowed it. And what did it really matter? The banquet was already over.


So, they had laughed together beside the fountain until they saw the pale reflection of the world around them. And that’s when the sky wrapped its self around them and gave them a front row seat to the show. It ushered them in with the Moon’s pale light and seated them with the fine twinkle of the Pleiades. That’s when their laughter stopped and their wonder began.


The pair did not say a word to each other as the curtain was drawn to the midnight show of the Heavens. Even though he was in a wet black tuxedo and she was in a ripped white evening gown, they both watched the stars like two dignified members of a high-class ballet. As the curtain was drawn and the stars twirled onstage, they kept their silence and their manners, just like the rest of the star-crossed audience; for to break the silence of any show is to break the illusion that everything in the universe, if only for a brief period of time, is perfectly alright. And no-one wants to break something that beautiful and unreal because underneath the wonderment and hope of stars is always the dark, emptiness of night.


They drew close together as the first act got underway. A slight breeze had picked up as a musical accompaniment to the drama, and it had moved them. The sky was telling a tragedy tonight, and their laughter was now part of the distant past. Shooting stars raced across the dark canvas, only to vanish stage right as quickly as they had appeared stage left. They left no trace, only memories, and the stars that had been in their way just twinkled on, blissfully unaware of their burning remains.


Those remains burned deeply in his heart. He kept his head towards the circling planets and blazing comets, but it was her that kept him in his seat. Although the stars above, in their costumes of mythological personas, were a heavenly sight, he was sure it was her beauty that they reflected back down to Earth. The performance above would continue on in encores for centuries to come, but he knew this scene below would not be repeated. He kept thinking (even though the shots of alcohol still swam throughout his head) that he had to do something, something to hold on to this.

All he could come up with was to put his arm around her waist– it was a bittersweet action. His heart screamed with joy as he held her again, but his mind was relieved of all doubt that it was already over. She was leaving with her choice and he was staying here with his indecisiveness. Venus had sunk below the horizon and she would not be up again until the dawn of a new day. There, in the perfect theater of night, he believed that day would never come again.


So instead he ignored the truth and believed his heart. He believed that these moments were turning points, and in some ways he was right. He embraced his faint hope anyways, and she snuggled her head underneath his chin, and they watched the rest of the performance in cold wonder of the night.

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Another excerpt from my novel, Films About Ghosts. I just need structure and grammar fine tuning here, so I posted it in C&A. Tell me all about the sentence structure, what sounds good, and what sounds bad.


Any crits will be returned. Thanks to anyone who reads this.

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Read: A Novel Idea
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."
~ Frieda Norris

Beja-Beja

I enjoyed it at first then drifted to the point where it was a chore to read. I don't think I could read anything longer than this in such a style but you certainly are capable of good description.

Ungood

This danced too much. You also added in several words that disrupted the flow.

"He sat there with her underneath the dark blanket of the sky and felt warm."

the there disjoints it just a enough to make it awkward.

All in all this a solid work as far SP&G go. Some sentences seemed a bit hard to pull though, but nothing that I could go "Look you need to fix this" as it all seemed to be part of the style and remained consistent throughout the work.

Sorry I could not offer you more then that.

Good luck with this.

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qwertyman

Katastrof, as you are looking for comments on grammar, spelling, sentence and not on content, there are others that do that better than I.

Just to let you know that I agree with Ungood and Beja.





(Sometimes I amaze myself with my own dullness.)

SparkyLT

I would separate this into two sentences.

I've seen several people do this online: no-one or noone. Now, I'm not sure if it's a regional thing, but here, at least, I'm certain it's supposed to be two words. Otherwise I really have no nits.

Very poetic, same as the last peice of yours that I read. Beautiful mental images - 'v' words like vivid and vibrant come to mind. But it seemed like a lot of words for a situation that I knew nothing about. Though from what I've seen of your novel, this would fit in with it, posting this alone gets the reader too sidetracked with the colorful words to pay attention to the real grammar of of the peice. I'm tempted to say it's wordy, but like I said, I think in your context, it's okay.

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Katastrof

Beja-Beja: Hmm. I understand why it would be a chore to read, since this is an excerpt. I'll probably try to cut down some words next time I go through it. Thanks for the comments.

Ungood: I see what you mean about the first paragraph dancing around. Thanks for reading, and your comment definitely helps.

qwertyman: Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment, qwerty. It's been duly noted

SparkyLT: Thanks! I'm a little disappointed that people found it too flowery, but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it's about context. I really don't mention who is who, and it relies on the built up characters in order to really affect the reader.

But again, thanks for taking the time to say something; it all really helps me.

__________________
Read: A Novel Idea
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."
~ Frieda Norris

Crazed Scribe

This feels forced. I also get (I think) that you mean on the inside and then go on to talk about how cold he is. To be honest, I don't think it works and just makes it confusing.

A bit too much build up, I think, for something that might do better with more of a direct introduction.

Very eloquent.

This is good, just make sure you don't over do it. Write the right amount of flowery sentences like this and it adds to your novel, too much and it begins to drag. I think, at the moment you probably have a little too much.

I would advise you to strip this down to the bare bones and work from there. You have a tendency to over do things, for example the theatre of sky. I thought the metaphor was good and interesting but began to repeat itself slight and drag on just a little bit.

At the same time though i found this enticing. I did enjoy reading it. You can have yourself a different and interesting piece if you just simplified things slightly.

Good luck,
CS

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That is the truth. Not the hammer and sickle. Not the stars and stripes. Not the cross. Not the sun. Not gold. Not yin and yang. But the smile.

~ John Fowles, The Magus

Kayleigh7

I don't really have any nits with this. I think it was bittersweet and lovely. You have a wonderful writing style that's full of imagery.

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Entbark

A little too flowery for me. I could feel a tremendous build-up because of your descriptions of the night, but nothing much seemed to happen which was disappointing. One thing that I was tripping over was the blanket. First you mention "the dark blanket of the sky" and then you go on to say "the sky had lent him a blanket." Just a minor inconsistency.