Stonez

This is for a college admissions essay. The prompt is "Of one of the community service or work experiences listed, please state why you undertook the project, why you stuck with it, and what you learned from it." The word limit is 300. Please be as tough as you can. I know you are expert writers so LET ME HAVE IT !

I signed up for this mission trip for a marble chess set from Mexico. Boredom on the four-hour flight was not part of the game plan.

Finally, the plane veers left; San Diego is revealed – landing gear, turf.

Excitement consumes me. As I load my luggage onto the rental van, I think of the things I have heard about Mexico.

“The ocean is beautiful, crystal clear. Everything is cheap – you will love it.”

We arrive in Mexico. The mountainous countryside is breathtaking. I begin to wonder how building a three-bedroom home could benefit a family that lived in such a beautiful nation. Rust-colored hillsides fade into hundreds of rust-covered shacks crafted from sheet metal and held together with chicken wire. I receive my answer; the visions of storybook Meixco are dashed.

We learn about the family we are serving. David was fired from his job due to downsizing. He had been saving for a home when his dreams were crushed, and his family was thrust into poverty.

On the second day, construction begins. David’s children run around the worksite laughing. Every blister, cut, and bead of sweat is made worthwhile by the smiles they afford. I figure it out. This mission is not about me; it is about helping people who need it.

The house is completed on the seventh day; it is good. It is time to leave the people who I now felt very close to.

The trip home flies by, and several years pass. My chess set sits in my closet, collecting dust; a changed life was not part of the game plan. The only things I hold onto are the unforgettable moments – playing soccer with the children, talking with David and his wife, sharing meals. Priorities change in the midst of epiphany, and I’m glad they do.

Creep

__________________

God bless the Eskimo.

Stonez

I appreciate your input. I will attempt to revise it to include some type of interaction that may have led to a relationship between the family and myself.

As far as the line goes: "The house is completed on the seventh day; it is good."

I can see where this line would come off as abrupt, choppy, undescriptive. The rest of the writing is much of the same, though. I don't usually write in this style; it was strange. However, for clarity: The house being completed on the seventh day was an attempt to parallel creation. God, on the seventh day, rested and surveyed his work; it was good. Seeing as this was a mission trip and an attempt at grace on my part, I figured, what the heck, let's parallel this bad boy to creation and use a biblical reference! So, I did. I am still thinking about revisions on that part, though. Just thought I would let you know where I was coming from.

Keep in mind that it can only be 300 words. I could write the same story in fourty pages, so this is rough for me lol.

Creep

__________________

God bless the Eskimo.

therealdrag0

I prefer the original.
That's a good story. At first I foresaw myself needing a strait jacket to keep my from trolling about how mission trips are not for vacation. But then you got there !
I don't think the story quite answered the prompt. But they may appreciate it anyway.
Where are you applying?
_Z

Stonez

U of I
University of Illinois

I tried to answer lol:
1) Why we undertook it - "I signed up for this mission trip for a marble chess set from Mexico." Seriously.
2) Why we stuck with it - "Every blister, cut, and bead of sweat is made worthwhile by the smiles they afford."
3) What we learned from it - "The only things I hold onto are the unforgettable moments – playing soccer with the children, talking with David and his wife, sharing meals." "Priorities change in the midst of epiphany" "it is about helping people who need it."

But maybe it doesn't have the ring that it needs...