Adjective Ocean

Yo! I have no idea why, but I've decided to write the ending of a story I'm working on before I finish it. I know it's a little strange, and most of you probably don't remember the bits I posted, but I still want to have it critiqued. Basically, I want to see if it's effective and well told. Here it is (yes it was posted in another thread, but I've reworked it and tried to pump it up a bit):


Journey's End



His feet pounded against against the green, flattening the short blades of grass along the way. Towers rose above him, menacingly leaning towards his direction as though they were determined to crush him. Up ahead, beneath the dark red sky, stood a small cottage which contained the key to Jack's destruction, the key to the end of this nightmare. He was so close, so close to ending it all.

Crows began to pour from the towers, flooding the red sky with blackness, and Clyde's heart with fear. He was here, he knew it. Confirming this was a rumble beneath the ground. But a few steps from him, the earth began to slowly crack, the rumble now a roar. It widenened and then came to an abrupt stop, the unbearable noise curtailed. For a moment, nothing could be heard. The crows did not cry, the wind did not blow...all was silent. The sole exception was Clyde's heart. It rammed against his chest, causing him to clutch it, fingers digging into his dirty shirt. Jack had realized his full power and all was lost.

From the crack came a dark figure that slowly rose through the air. There, suspended, it laughed and vanished. Clyde turned around only to be thrown with such incredible force that he crashed through a tower and landed flat on his back, yelling in pain. Jack walked over to his side and smiled. Clyde's eyes never met his, for they were focused on the tower above him. It was wobbling, Clyde knew it was meant for him. His killer walked away, laughing all the way as the tower fell. Not a word escaped Clyde's mouth before the structure crushed him, for there was nothing to be said. Jack would awaken, for there was nothing to stop him now.




THE END





Now, I know many of you are not entirely sure what's going on, but as far as the writing was concerned how was it? Was it interesting? Also, I'm thinking about working on another book (if I ever finish this one) with Jack being the main character, which is why I ended it this way.

Kat

It's confusing. I wouldn't have thought the protagonist in this story was Clyde because you killed him. Also towers and small cottage bring up two very different visuals. There needs to be some sort of spatial relationship for them. Have you seen Mr. Magorium's movie, where it's a little shop surrounded by towering skyscrapers? It sort of brings that visual to mind which I don't imagine is what you were thinking. Sorry I rarely get a chance to watch anything other than kiddie flicks.

Pounded the ground, then grass, brings to mind either running or bare ground since grass generally has a cushioning effect but not a biggy. I wouldn't italicize through, it interrupts the flow.

I have to tell you that if I made it all the way through a novel and got the end only to have the bad guy win and the good guy die I'd be seriously annoyed. I have not read other books by the same author because of that same thing. So you need to make the antagonist likable, we need to feel something towards him so that when he is left standing at the end we can cheer or at least feel that it was inevitable.

Although not much to go on the descriptive terms are great. Good showing not telling. Black crows, red sky definitely sets a mood. The one year I did nano I wrote all hodgepodge out of order like that. Whenever a scene would come to mind I would just write it down. Now here it is 3 years later and I still have finished organizing the thing. If it works for you that's great just my own cautionary tale.

__________________
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. -Sarah Williams

TheListenerAndWatcher

It was short, but awesome.

I loved the Jack guy, I hope he gets more intresting. =D

__________________
I lurk in the shadows. I have watched for centuries and listened to the words of many.

Adjective Ocean

Thanks for taking the time to critique it. Nah, I've never seen Mr.Magoriums movie. The reason the landscape is so bizarre is that this all take's place within Jack's mind, Clyde is a Constant (a thought that maintains its identity within the dream world) but Jack has absolute power as it's his mind (hence the mismatched landscapes). But still, if it's confusing I'll happily rewrite it (the grass thing especially as that is clearly and error on my part). Also, I know that killing off the main character is normally an issue for most...but I was thinking that I may do another through the eyes of Jack in the real world. I want the readers to feel the "death" of Clyde, and really despise Jack because of it. Plus, I'd think it'd come as a shock, a bit of a twist. Still, I'll consider reworking it, as I wouldn't want to lose potential readers..but I'm not 100% sure if I'm willing to change it. Thanks again, I really appreciate your well thought out critique.

Note:If I finish this with this ending, I'll probably write a sequel that will take place within the real world, as ending a book like that with no continuation probably would be a mistake.

Adjective Ocean

Thanks a lot! Yes, I intend to make Jack into a pretty complex villain. A lot of Jack the Constant (should I ever finish it) will be on who and what he is, and how he overcomes his guilt and becomes who he was before, a killer.

Newnonel

Woo... Can i have the link to the previous posts? It seems pretty darned interesting.

Adjective Ocean

You most certainly may. Keep in mind that it's unfinished however, and needs to be re-written (some plot points I'm not to clear on so it needs some work). I have....the first 2 chapters I think? I'm happy to see interest in my story, thanks.



http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...-constant.html

inkspot

Really evocative. What I didn't like is the "feet pounded against the green landscape", it conjured up an image for me of a guy lying on his back and kicking his feet against something...and to me, landscape means the big picture, the surroundings, so it'd be kinda hard to pound...unless the guy has humungous feet of course.
Apart from that I liked it well enough even though it's not my kinda genre

Adjective Ocean

Lol, I'll reword it. Thanks for checking it out, I appreciate it.

TheListenerAndWatcher

Doood, I read your chaptors and I loved them and the writing. It also got me thinking.

there was alot of reading over and over but it was worth it.

__________________
I lurk in the shadows. I have watched for centuries and listened to the words of many.

Adjective Ocean

Wow, thanks! I wasn't expecting such positive feedback.

Sorry about you having to reread it however, as that fault lies with me. What I posted isn't the final draft of those chapters, just the rough ones. I'll try to re-write them and make them a little more convenient for the reader, as you shouldn't have to reread it to get something out of it. Looking back I'm spotting quite a few errors, looks like I have some work to do, lol.

Adjective Ocean

Hey! To anyone interested I'm writing an entirely new beginning that takes place before the previous beginning I had written (the old one still part of the story, just not the starting point, though some things will need changing). The new beginning is intended to show exactly how Clyde arrived, and to explain a little more about his first encounter in the dream world. Here it is:




Jack, The Constant


Quite some time ago, I awoke in a filthy little hut in the middle of nowhere. I had no idea what had happened or how I had arrived or even who I truly was. What I did have was a faint memory of holding someone, though I couldn't remember who they were. Whoever it was was dead, this I knew, and every time I attempted to recall their name a rush of emotions erased any chance of a clear line of thought. This told me that whoever it was very dear to me....very dear indeed. There was also a strange presence.....a sort of duality that hung about, though it wasn't as strong as it is now. I even had a bizarre instinctual knowledge of something, the Creator of this world, who I would later call the Great Dreamer.

Upon opening the hut door and stepping outside, I was blasted by a strong burst of sunlight. I quickly shielded my eyes and felt the heat sink into my flesh. I quickly began to sweat and felt it soaking into my dirty white shirt. The saltiness of it burned my facial scar and caused me to wince. Just where the hell was I? What was going on? When I could finally open my eyes I saw tall, brown grass swaying with the wind, and little else in the distance. The land was mostly flat, with the occasional tree here or there. I took a few more steps..... and that was when I encountered the first world shift. Up ahead I saw a gigantic wall of light appear and watched as it slowly moved, completely devouring all in its path. I began to run, but quickly realized that it was pointless and stared in awe as it covered my body. For a moment, there was nothing but white. When I realized that I wasn't dead (with quite some relief I might add) I opened my eyes.....my jaw dropped and my heart rate sky rocketed. What lie before me was a dark landscape covered with thick, white trees. They shot up from the cold, rocky earth, and Off in the distance the moon peaked over a hill. A wolf howl filled the night. My head suddenly grew heavy and I fainted. The shock of it all was simply to much for me to handle, though now they no longer bother me, for I expect them. When I came to, the world had not changed and I immediately sprung to my feet. I quickly searched for shelter, listening to the haunting call of wolves all along the way. Eventually, I found it in the form of a small, smelly little cave. I sat down, against the cold cave wall, and waited.

Continued:

In spite of my surroundings, I found that I could fend of the sandman much longer, and before long I was asleep. Some time later the sound of paws clicking against the hard ground rocketed me from my sleep. I slowly stood up, my eyes furiously searching for the source of the noise. From behind a nearby boulder came a low, menacing growl. I stood, completely paralyzed, and watched as a large furry figure leaped over the rock and landed in front of it with a loud thud. It stood on its muscular hind legs, its terrifying bright yellow eyes burning into mine. With horror I noted it's legs slowly bending....it was preparing to leap at me. Before it could however, a thick liquid sound came from beneath its feet. To my surprise I saw that it was coming from the ground.....which was no longer solid. It howled in fury, its long sharp claws viciously slashing the air, as it was sucked into the Earth. My eyes were hurting....undoubtedly from the intense widening that had taken place as I witnessed this incredible, frightening sight.

Looking back I was initially nothing but a terrified tourist, constantly amazed by the bizarre nature of this world. Now however, I am a seasoned veteran, one with a purpose. The purpose to awake the Great Dreamer...and to discover who I really am.

END







More soon, feel free to critique it as well. Lol, it's a bit weird that I've posted both the ending and new beginning.

TheListenerAndWatcher

There part about the person I found interesting, was it jack or someone else? I dunno, but I hope you post more.

Also, this part was written twice, was that an error?

I realized that I wasn't dead (with quite some relief I might add) I open my eyes.....my jaw dropped and my heart rate sky rocketed.

__________________
I lurk in the shadows. I have watched for centuries and listened to the words of many.

Adjective Ocean

Nope, not Jack. There's quite a lot I haven't revealed yet, but it'll come in time. Jack and Clyde ARE closely linked, but he isn't the person in the memory. Yep, that was an error and I've fixed it. I really appreciate the interest you're showing in my story, thanks again.

Adjective Ocean

Well, there it is, the new beginning. I think after that point I'll place the "Village" scene (which will be altered a bit). Later, I'll probably repost the rewritten version of everything. I have some pretty big ideas for my story.

NOTE:The final addition is just below the original post holding the new beginning.