It runs deepest (897 words) - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

dilkara · 11-20-2008, 03:46 PM

This is the start of a short story I once submitted as a draft in creative writing class and I've always wanted to know what others thought of it. My teacher was American in a UK college and didn't think it was believable for being set in the US. It was a bit of an experiment for me as it's not the genre I'd generally be interested in, my cynical nature does rear it's ugly head a bit later though. Anyway. I'd love some feedback, error reporting and so on. Sorry for the cheesy title

It runs deepest

I think it was his hair that first made me love him, it fell over his eyes, wild and uncontrollable like he was. A veil to entice you, make you want to glimpse in the window to his hidden soul. There was nothing particularly special about it. Mid brown, the cut was just a simple short back and sides but he let it grow longer than would be considered decent for a respectable young man. His hair looked soft, he didn’t use any greasy products on it like so many of the boys in my school. It took the edge off his hardness, gave you hope that life with him would be good. He used to shake it out of his eyes with a small toss of his head and would smirk just a little when it fell back into place, as though he and his fringe shared a private joke in their battle of wills. Oh, and he’d look at you through that veil of hair and it would act like blinkers, all he could see was you, make you special through that hair of his. All the girls wanted Jimmy Talburn to look at them in that singular way.

The first time he looked at me in that way was at senior prom. I wore a pale pink, floor length gown. I remember being a nervous wreck because for the first time in my life I was wearing a girly dress instead of my usual denim and shirt attire. I had a yellow rose tucked in my hair, my mom had cut it from the garden and tucked it into the grip at the side of my head. I didn’t have a date so I went with my friend Grace, I don’t see her any more. I avoided him all night, that’s how scared I was of making a fool of myself in my strange new clothes. I just watched him carefully from the dimly lit corner I chose to spend the night in. Towards the end I finally plucked up the courage to go near him. I set off for the punch table at the same time he did and our hands nearly collided at the cups. The d.j. was playing ‘Breed’ so I said something like; “aren’t Nirvana wicked.” My voice sounded small and childish. I cringed and hoped he hadn’t heard me but he had. He turned to me with that toss of his head and looked at me for a moment. I blurted out something about Jimmy looking like Kurt.

Then it happened. Jimmy’s hair fell down. It brushed his forehead and settled across his eyes. It seemed to move in slow motion and I almost thought I could hear it fall. He looked at me for just a second or two, and then smiled, the beautiful arrogant gesture that he reserved only for his hair. He shared his hair smirk with me. Me! He leant in close, so close I could smell his cologne, it was gentle, not like my Dad’s old spice, this was subtle, and lovely.

I thought he would kiss me, my face heated, I knew that redness I hated would be creeping up my neck and hitting my cheeks. Instead he moved as though to walk away, but before he left he looked over his shoulder and said ‘nice flower’. I thought my heart would never beat normally again.

When I got home I took my flower from my hair and put it between my hefty chemistry and biology books. I pressed it so I could keep it forever. It’s no longer yellow and I’m afraid to touch it in case it falls apart but I’ve kept it in a box of treasures these past 8 years, for memories sake. That night I dreamed dreams of Jimmy, and Nirvana played songs in my head.

I next spoke to him at high school graduation two days later, it wasn’t some big fancy ceremony like they have in big schools and you see now on TV. Just a thing to say, ‘hey, you’re free now, you’ve finished, go off, get jobs, do whatever, just get the hell out of our school.’ Jimmy came up to congratulate me, his hair was kept tidily tucked under his cap and he smiled a friendly smile at me. He was relaxed and confident in his ugly olive green cap and gown, I felt like the bogey monster, talking to him about my plans for college. We stood together as we had our photos taken. We cheered as we threw our caps into the air and he laughed as his hair fell into his eyes. I laughed with him, I felt like I was in on the joke now. Then he kissed me. Just like that. He was laughing and I was laughing, looking up at him with adoration and he grabbed the back of my neck and kissed me. My mum was snapping photos in the audience and she has one of us laughing as our caps fall to the ground and one photo of me looking like a goldfish that’s just been told the most shocking news of its life, whilst Jimmy laughs at my expression. I have tried to burn that particular photo but it turned into some sort of family joke that was apparently incredibly funny.

(many thanks if you read.)

PenPal · 11-21-2008, 12:28 AM

Other than a few spelling problems and one or two questionable word choices, it sounds like highschool to me. Maybe your American professor went to a well-off school or was the popular kid, but your story certainly sounds accurate to me. For how short it is, it really painted the emotions of the girl well and gees, now I have a crush on Jimmy. One note though, we don't call them 'grips' here, we call them clips or barrettes.

Newnonel · 11-23-2008, 09:09 AM

Supposed to be i expect. And this, is the kind of thing i wanna pluck off the internet to stuff into the faces of my classmates. This is how a short love essay should be written. The title ain't really cheesy though.

Spreed · 11-23-2008, 07:39 PM

I liked it. You need to reread it to correct some spelling mistakes, but for the most part it was pretty good.

dilkara · 11-24-2008, 11:34 AM

Thanks for the input.

Those who've said spelling mistakes do you mean I've spelt them the UK way? hm, If I put word into the US version would it pick them up?

Spreed · 11-24-2008, 04:31 PM

No I mean there are just some words that are actually misspelled, reread it and I’m sure you’ll find them.

dilkara · 11-24-2008, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spreed

No I mean there are just some words that are actually misspelled, reread it and I’m sure you’ll find them.

Sorry to be dumb but could you point one or two examples out to me. Since this was submitted for a class it was proof read for silly errors a fair amount. However I have fiddled with it since then, but I am having a mind blank and can't see them. Too close to it maybe?

I've got one of which should have been off so far.

Spreed · 11-25-2008, 05:41 PM

The only spelling errors I can recall right now was the of, but here is a few grammer suggestions you might want to think about.

"I think it was his hair that first made me love him, it fell over his eyes, wild and uncontrollable like he was."

"His hair looked soft, he didn’t use any greasy products on it like so many of the boys in my school."

"I had a yellow rose tucked in my hair, my mom had cut it from the garden and tucked it into the grip at the side of my head. "

In each of these there is a comma that needs to be a semi-colon. In the first one it's the comma after him, in the second one it's the comma after soft, and in the third it's the comma after hair.

HippoHead · 11-25-2008, 06:57 PM

... I hate this guy.

Possibly because I'm male and he gets girls swooning over him. Actually, y'know I can pull that off, too, so ha. I'm afraid I can't help but find the main character annoying, though, with her shyness and overreactions. That's my own opinion, though. She seems a little immature for someone who's 18. Sorry if this girl is based on you - I'm sure you're lovely, really!

Too many grammatically incorrect sentences throughout to ignore, especially towards the end, where it looks a bit rushed.

It was alright though, I wasnt bored at any point through reading which usually happens on these forums, so, though your style needs toning up, it'll be top notch once it is. It's also good that I took the ime to critique your work. I don't bother if the story doesn't interest me, or I think the author just isn't very good.

Take this as positive feedback.

Creep · 11-26-2008, 12:11 AM

I liked this story, it kept my interest. The way you used his hair was a good gesture because it really explained him even though that was you really used. There are minor things here and there that need changed, aside from that the ending was semi-okay. You could go farther with it, if only a paragraph more. I felt it was wrapped up too short.

dilkara · 11-26-2008, 02:53 PM

Thanks once again for the feedback. As I said, this is only the start, it does actually go on for about 3000 words. Never decided on a clear ending though, and would like to someday.

The main character is not based on myself. I wrote this originally to try and get inside the head of a type of person I don't normally understand or particularly like.

Hippohead, a good point about her being immature, perhaps that's because the legal school age for us in the UK is 16, so I'm thinking of that age when I write, not considering that it's 18 in the US. (I'm 23, btw, was around 20 when I first wrote this)

Thanks for pointing out the sentence issues, I'm pretty bad with comma's. I might try and catch the grammar errors in the rest and post some more up.

C.Gholy · 11-27-2008, 04:27 PM

You're not being dumb, I am also bad at pointing out mistakes too. When reading the story, it reminded me of my friend from school. So it was only natural that I found it rather nice to read.