Need some help/advise/criticism!!! - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

blackparade · 11-17-2008, 03:57 PM

Hey, I need some help...advise...criticism...whatever that applies here. Um...it's a random story/pastiche i started today. Thanks!

It was many and many a year ago, in a far away realm, there lived a fellow, whom you may know, by the name of Gaspard Kaulitz. His filthy rich parents were drug dealers who, unfortunately, had an over dosage, leaving him a couple million bucks at the age of two. He grew up in the local asylum, spending most of his childhood buried in books he borrowed from the asylum library. Money was a no-biggie; he had all he needed in the bank. Gaspard was a witty little boy, a teacher’s dream-student if he didn’t choose to make stupid decisions.

What did he do?

Gaspard was suspended in elementary school because he got into a fight and nearly killed the kindergartener. Strike One. Few years later, he attempted to use drugs in the boy’s stall. Strike Two. Teachers didn’t understand this because he was always the consistent top-one student in school. When the school’s psychiatrist tried “helping” him choose the right path, he merely shrugged and refused to answer any of her questions. He eventually got tired of high school and dropped out. Strike Three.

At the age of sixteen, Gasper left school and joined the society. He dyed his lengthy blonde hair black with white-blonde streaks. His tongue and right eyebrow arch are pierced, and kept an androgynous look. For the rest of his teen years, gambled and drank and smoked, spending almost all his inheritance.

In his mid-twenties, he wanted to get married, but couldn’t find anyone. He decided take the 30-day-risk-free-trial and wandered on match.com. He searched and sought and found three decent women. In the next week, he took them out, one by one.

The first lady turned out to be Japanese chick named Aiysha. Gaspard took her out to an exotic restaurant. He learned that she was a Joe-average hard worker who received a fair pay. He told her that he would call her back.

The second date was arranged at a club. Mischa was an average-looking lady, which didn’t matter because she had a lot of money. They talked and laughed and had fun the rest of the night. When the subject of marriage was finally brought up, the woman offered him a mansion and a couple of other extravagant deals. Gaspard said he would think about it and call her back.

On the third day, he arranged to meet his “perhaps-future-wife” Hayley at the park. She was said to be the indirect descendent of the royal British family, with blood of the French in her—a discrimination to the Brits, causing her name not to be on the inheritance will. Hayley appeared in a second-hand dress and a pair of old heels, which was not something Gaspard had expected. But she had, shockingly, the prettiest eyes, located on her dainty little face. It gave him the flutter flutter, a sign of love-at-first-sight. Gaspard promised, this time, that he would call back.

A week passed. It was a hard decision. Here’s what he came up with: If he married Aiysha, he knew that their life would be simple like any other couple walking on the streets. If he chose Misha, he would once again be surrounded with cash, but probably won’t get much love from her. If he called Hayley, who happens to be the woman of his dreams, he understood that he will be loved by his wife, but will suffer a low-class life.

But it’s not the money that matters, it’s the love, right?

Gaspard made up his mind. He reached for the phone and punched in a series of numbers.

“Hello?” the woman on the other end answered.

With the slightest hesitating, Gaspard explained, “It’s me, Gaspard. I’ve been thinking about you lately and I’ve come up with a conclusion that I truly love you...will you marry me?”

On the other end, the woman faked a shrilled of delight, which sounded rather bored. “I thought you’d never ask. Of course, I’d marry you!”

And they married the very next month. Gaspard’s heart glowed with light of love of his loved one with the thought of the cold hard cash that she owned.

edropus · 11-17-2008, 07:04 PM

Some grammar and spelling problems, you'll pick them up with a quick once-over; just go slow.

It doesn't come off as a fable right away. Maybe it's coincidental, but I felt this was supposed to be a fable; it's set up like one. But the entire beginning detracts from that; it's more narrative. I didn't get the fable feeling until about a third of the way, maybe half way through. Then it goes into true form; setting up a few options, telling a lesson. It's a reverse-fable, which is far more common than actual 'learn a lesson' stories these days - set it up so that the reader expects one thing, then twist it around - the literary equivalent of a joke, set up and punchline. But I didn't really feel any surprise at the ending; I would have been more surprised if it'd been the third girl.

This is, as I said, essentially a piece that relies on the punchline. I'd suggest you sell it a little more before delivery.

Mike C · 11-18-2008, 08:42 AM

The big problem with stories like this is that they're kind of like a bad joke - the body of the story is just setting you up for the punchline. Gaspard is a potentially interesting and funny character, wasted on a bad story.

Try dumping everything after the first four paragraphs and telling us what happens next; it could be a far more interesting tale.

blackparade · 11-18-2008, 08:10 PM

Okay. Thanks

I'll work on it.

Foxee · 11-19-2008, 08:14 AM

Sorry, blackparade, Mike C stole my thunder when he likened it to a joke. It is set up so much like a joke (including using the women and the pacing you use to tell about them) and by the time you get to the third one I expect a punchline instead of an ending.

It also seems like there should be more to the ending than a guy marrying someone for their money. It doesn't come across as surprising, shocking, or...much of anything, really.

Try Mike's advice, that might be the key.