SparkyLT

A) An honest critique (preferably in a timely fashion...)
B) What do you think happens to the two characters here?



Prologue: 1852

It was said that if a widowed woman cried three tears into the dark sea, a selkie would emerge from the waters to comfort her. It was also said that he would disappear with the moon.

Mary had cried into the ocean too many times to believe that. Josh had passed away eight months ago, and almost every night since, Mary had carried his candle down to the dock he never returned to. Eight months …The ship he named after his beloved wife had failed him, but she never would; she would never stop waiting for him. She had sworn to keep that candle alight until he came back to her.

Her long black skirts would only catch sand and make it impossible to move. They were draped across the porch rail that Josh had built for her, alongside the bronze candleholder. The white candle illuminated and warmed her face, but chilly ocean air whipped her thin petticoat around her knees as she walked across the sand. Goose bumps chased each other up her legs and back.

Mary knelt beside the dock, just at the edge of the water, and carved out a small crater to lodge Josh’s candle into. The wind was cold; the moon was full behind the clouds that obstructed it; the roar of the ocean filled her ears.

She wept, and for a time, the ocean watched impassively.

Josh’s candle hissed out. Mary straightened, blinking to clear her eyes, and looked up. Could the tide come in so fast? The ocean was wrapping itself around her waist, freezing fingers stroking her knees, tugging her long hair.

The figure was not Josh, but the hand it reached down to help her up looked remarkably like his. The muscular arms, though slicked with algae, felt like his. The broad back was like Josh’s, save for the anemones running up his spine. The hair was too long to be Josh’s and too green. The eyes that looked down on her were far too bright in the darkness that has swallowed the moon.

The lips were as cold as death, but felt like Josh’s.

Mary understood. She sensed a connection the thing that was not Josh, a shared suffering. Josh would never come back to her, just as no one would ever come back to the thing. Yet they could come back to each other.

And they would.

Josh’s candle was surrendered to the ocean.

Robnessa

I imagine. It is not Josh, but it is his spirit, and Mary knows this. But rather than live without him she decides it is the only way she can be with him ?


If this is not correct, just tell me i'm an idot and we'll forget I ever made this reply.

SparkyLT

No...darn it. I had hoped my selkie reference at the beginning would make it obvious that the being is a selkie...

Hey, for that matter, how many people even know what selkies are? I'm kind of a mythology buff, but I just assumed. I like looking at things backward, so I tried to see the selkie myth from a selkie's perspective, and I thought: selkies never form any lasting relationship, and wouldm't it make sense for them to want to stay with the widow they comfort? So...

I'm trying to say that the being stays with Mary on land, without actually saying it. feared I was going too in-depth with the whole '...but it's like Josh' thing, and making it too creepy so that you think the selkie kills her...

So basically I FAILED UTTERLY. Damn.

tepelus

No you didn't...I got that it was a selkie coming from the ocean, only because of your reference at the beginning, and that perhaps this selkie has taken on the likeness of Josh.

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SparkyLT

Problem is, it actually hasn't. That's just Mary's imagination - a bit of wishful thinking.

Ana Kata

She kills herself to be with josh. I think. Hope.
This statement is far overused (but some might argue underused):
Show, don't tell.
Especially

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404 - signature not found.

SparkyLT

*buzzer sounds*

No...the selkie comes onto land with her, thus severing all ties with the ocean. This is only the prolouge; the story takes place some 150 years later. I'm going to tell the selkie and Mary's story from then, but I mainly don't want this part to be misleading. And so far everyone's been misled...

dilkara

I got that is was a selkie. I'm assuming this isn't the first time she's seen it. Since there was no shock, repulsion or acknowledgement that the thing being there was unusual.

I don't think there's really anything that points to the outcome you're planning. I too thought he'd taken on some semblance of Josh. Maybe writing it from the selkies point of view would show it better?

SparkyLT

If I tell it from the selkie's POV, we won't know any of Mary's backstory. Thanks for the idea though, Dilkara. It is the first time she's seen the selkie. Just remember that this part is set in 1852; there were more superstitions, and they were more widely believed than they are now.

I'm going to try and rework this and post the revision. If anyone'll read it.

SparkyLT

REVISION 1


Prologue: 1852

It was said that if a widowed woman cried three tears into the dark sea, a selkie would emerge from the waters to comfort her. It was also said that he would disappear with the moon.

Mary had cried into the ocean too many times to believe that. Josh had passed away eight months ago, and almost every night since, Mary had carried his candle down to the dock he never returned to. Eight months …The ship he named after his beloved wife had failed him, but she never would; she would never stop waiting for him. She had sworn to keep that candle alight until he came back to her.

Her long black skirts would only catch sand and make it impossible to move. They were draped across the porch rail that Josh had built for her, alongside the bronze candleholder. The white candle illuminated and warmed her face, but chilly ocean air whipped her thin petticoat around her knees as she walked across the sand. Goose bumps chased each other up her legs and back.

Mary knelt beside the dock, just at the edge of the water, and carved out a small crater to lodge Josh’s candle into. The wind was cold; the moon was full behind the clouds that obstructed it; the roar of the ocean filled her ears.

She wept, and for a time, the ocean watched impassively.

Josh’s candle hissed out. Mary straightened, surprised, blinking to clear her eyes. Could the tide come in so fast? The ocean was wrapping itself around her waist, freezing fingers stroking her knees, tugging her long hair.

The figure was not Josh, but the hand it reached down to help her up looked almost like his. The muscular arms, though slicked with algae, were close to his. The broad back was like Josh’s, save for the anemones running up his spine. The hair was too long to be Josh’s and too green. The eyes that looked down on her were far too bright in the darkness that has swallowed the moon.

The lips were as cold as death, but Mary could delude herself into believing that they felt like Josh’s.

The thing that was not Josh looked down at her. She sensed a connection with it, a shared sadness and longing. It was alone, abandoned just as she was. It was a pale substitute for Josh, and in the back of her mind, Mary felt as though she were doing something sinful as she led the being up the beach. But it followed her desperately, remnants of the ocean falling away from it; slowly, it’s resemblance to Josh became more and more precise.

A crab skittered out of the water and clamped the white candle in a pincer. The ocean accepted its offering.

Robnessa

Yes... Bravo ! I won't say much better because, there wasn't anything wrong with the first draft. Only it didn't lend it self to what you wanted from the story. But the second version does.
Good luck with it. J.

SparkyLT

Thank you, Robnessa. (Also for coming back).

CelticRose

I'm glad that you asked me to read this. You were right about my being able to appreciate it; mythology and faerie lore are absolutely amazing. Not to mention that you're quite an excellent writer. The words that you chose evoked a certain mood, and the descriptions were all very detailed. I like it very much!

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Madness is only the part of us that we daren't set free.

SparkyLT

Thank you. I thought you might like it, and I'm very pleased that you did.