Beja-Beja

Well I have only posted one piece on this forum so far, an uninspired poem about two lovers. But I want to show my true writing mannerisms and read your thoughts on them. The following is an excerpt from a novel I have been working on, I will not be providing any background info on what is happening in the story and only seek critique on my style.
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Hours later, Rachael sat against the lustrous rock wall, eyes open observing Jack and Michael as they huddled together in hallowed sleep. Not a sound was made.
Am I the only one disturbed by this perverse silence? I am. The only one cut and pierced by these inaudible ululations of sin. The only one who knows my father lied, and died because of it. I wonder how can they sleep? How can anyone anywhere think of sleeping?
She had been momentarily fascinated by the illumination of sound provided in the cavern before focusing again on her own despair. The cave was no longer submerged in darkness. The persistent rays of a distant sun sifted into the room, providing just enough light to see. The ceiling above looked impenetrable as did the ground below . The only way out was the frontward path Jack had boldly taken last night, it was the path they all must take except they were not to return as he did.
In all, Rachael noted that she had slept for the entirety of eight minutes and sixteen seconds. She did not dream at all, and if she did she could not remember them. It was just as well, every dream she ever had already done its office. They had clouded her vision, filled her head with illusions of joy. Her humble demeanor was all for naught as it could not prevent her fall from the tallest and most unforgiving pedestal. Who was she to expect a pleasant family life, honesty, friendship, and peace? She was nothing, but a discarded being now, everything she was and stood for had been eradicated in an instant. The culprit, a golden assassin in the guise of a mortal.
How ironic was it that when she finally understood her recurring dreams, she knew she would never dream them again?
Those dreams were a premonition, perhaps she could have avoided disaster had she not been so obsessed with pursuing bliss. She failed to connect the dots, she failed to act, she simply failed plain and simple. Jack had summed it up nicely when he thought she were asleep, she was a girl, inherently feeble minded and unavoidably the forbearer of destruction. Pandora had her box. Eve had her apple. And Rachael- Rachael had her happiness.
It was obvious that she was never meant to be happy, why else would it all have been taken away so dramatically, substituted with unquenchable homicidal rage. She outstretched her palm and watched as her final tear for the morning splashed upon the soft skin. Indeed she had been drained off all hydration in one night, all the crying, sniveling, sweating, and bleeding had dried her face and coated it with a filthy layer of crusts. She imagined that if she attempted to grin her skin would crack like the shell of an egg baked in heat. Not that she expected to grin at any point in the foreseeable future.
If their was one thing she could still claim as her own though, it was her unwavering courage. It had not yet abandoned her. May it never do so. When she cried it was in sorrow not fear, when she froze it was in disbelief, and when she shivered, it was from the shadowy whip cracked against her spine repeatedly without warning or hesitance.
Absently she observed the hue of her golden skin and cursed it- cursed all her golden traits. They too were lies. To be golden was to signify dignity and importance, quantities of which she no longer possessed. She recalled all those who looked upon her and declared her paramount in spectrum, destined for greatness, of royal descent.
They were all wrong, she clenched her jaw in disgust, even after I told them they were wrong, they insisted their point. Now look what has happened to me, look and what I have become.
Rachael did not want to dwell on such thoughts, that was not who she was. Despite her displacement in the world she was still Rachael Tahiri Zyder. The one defined by her, not by anyone else. When faced with opposition she never resorted to wallowing in sorrow but pressed forward against all odds. When Louie’s store erupted in flames with him inside, she did not stand idle and wonder what to say of him at his funeral. No, she ran headfirst into the embers without first or second thought. And when she broke her ankle in the rescue, she was not content in remaining in a cast and missing the basketball season. Instead she rehabilitated expediently in order to lead the team through playoffs.
But it was foolish to compare those scenarios with this one. Never before had she done something so dramatic as declaring a vendetta on a man demonic in design. In truth she had no idea what she was up against and there in lie the appeal for her. Exploring her own boundaries had long before been one of her past times. Now was the time to test her resiliency, her instincts, and the depths of her conviction. Again she shut her eyes and relived the worst hour of her life, upon that clock tower, helpless, as she watched the intertwining chaos unfold.
She bit down into her lips and shuddered. Repressing an angered cry she aspired to uphold Michael’s statement about her last night to Jack.
“She’ll come through when we need her to.”

The Backward OX

This particular issue raises its head time and time again.

You seek feedback regarding style yet it is difficult to find yours, buried as it is in a slew of mistakes of both grammar and logic.

Perhaps you could indicate if you are happy to receive comments on those elements of your writing.

Beja-Beja

Of course I am open to any and all feedback or criticism and would be insulted if you didn not correct my grammar

The Backward OX

Ok when I have the time I'll get back to it. Maybe tomorrow.

It's just that many people object to grammar crits when they want feedback only on the story itself.

Beja-Beja

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your comments

Candrah

Ok, style aside (I did struggle with the wordiness of this), I was curious enough to read it right through. What got me curious was the way you seem to be telling a story set in our own world, but at the same time kept throwing in bits of fantasy - at least I hope thats what it is and I'm not going insane here.

I think it would work better if you organised it in a more linear fashion. As its is, its seems to jump about a lot. I kept getting lost trying to figure out what was happening, had happened or was about to happen.

Anyway, just my thoughts. I'm sure better minds than mine will be more useful on this.

__________________
Dragons are my first love: www.candragonart.com

I leave feedback as a reader - feel free to take anything I say with a bucketful of salt.

inkspot

I had a bit of a hard time with some of the vocabulary...I tend to fall into that same trap, choosing elaborate words quite often when the story would read easier and convey the atmosphere better by less convoluted wording. But that's stuff you can edit out...and of course just my opinion

dilkara

I was interested in reading this for the same reasons Candrah mentioned, especially the golden skin reference, which gives the story depth.

I too was a bit put off by some of the flowery words, the first in the opening sentence. I don't generally think of rock as being lustrous. If you want it to be shiny or glowing perhaps describe it in more depth. Things like that knock me back a bit because then I think maybe I don't understand the words meaning and it then interrupts the flow of the story. Hallowed sleep had the same affect.

However if you are intending to take on the tone of your mc, who appears to be a fairly haughty type then I can overlook it more, it's hard to judge on such a small extract.

Beja-Beja

Thank you all for your input and reading it all the way through, you have no idea what that does for my enthusiasm in the work.

Yes I do tend to be a tad bit verbose and that problem will be rectified eventually.

As for the jumping between real world and fantasy thing, it happens to be a fantasy novel and this excerpt is taken directly from the jump from real world to fantasy so maybe that is supposed to be how its read.

As for the word "lustrous" the particular rock wall she had her back up against was lustrous and has ethreal tendencies. In a word whenever a sound is made in the area light is produced in a matching intensity. That phenomenon was revealed just a few pages before this excerpt.

Again thank you all for your input and support. I will take them all into consideration and of course continue writing.

- Beja-Beja

moderan

Hmm. Can you explain "inaudible ululations?"
This is pretty purple. The high-flown language is ok, given that you're writing fantasy, but I have to be honest and say that I was thrown off by it and found it hard to discern your subject. Very passive voice. A lot of small grammatical errors.
I like the synesthetic idea here but in this sample it's a little dizzy-making.
Need to fix the italicization toward the end as well.

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Beja-Beja

I was waiting for someone to point out "inaudible ululations" and the answer is I have no idea what it means and how the hell my character thinks of this saying. That part will be edited after I finish the chapter (I edit after each chapter and this one is not yet finished). I have been obsessed with the word ululation since I read the Lord Of The Flies many years ago and this was the first time I ever used it in my writing. In that sense it is jibberish.

If I were to BS a reason for it, it would be that the character has just been through a hellish experience and her thoughts dwell on the sins she witnessed not only against herself but humanity, and while she is having this vicarious(another big word) flashback it is similar to hearing a dark echo except there is no sound. As I said it is BS and I just thought it sounded good- leave me alone I'm in highschool, my head is not on straight.

Yes the italicization is all screwed up, only her thoughts were meant to italicized, I will edit that.

Yes, I know there are grammatical errors(not an excuse though).

I am glad that most of you were interested enough to read it all the way through.

The Backward OX

I'm glad you've had other responses as that makes it easy for me to take a rain-check. Now that I know there's phantasy involved you won't see me for dust.

Beja-Beja

This excerpt is really important to constructing a theme in the novel and actually follows the theme of the opening scene(though that is from another character's perspective some 30 years earlier).

I am curious, can anyone surmise what has happened in the story yet?

The Backward OX

What a f*cking stupid question. Htf can one person figure out what's going on in another person's mind? Jesus!

Beja-Beja

Lol you are a hoot Ox.

Poor wording on my part, I just wanted to know wheter anyone was able to understand that she has just witnessed her father's death and is contemplating revenge upon his killer. I thought that wouldn't be too hard to see from the excerpt.
:p