Adjective Ocean

His face lie against the cold, hard concrete. Thunder filled the narrow alleyway and cold rain pounded against his body, seeping into his bloodstained police uniform. His partner was crooked and he had found out the hard way. He however, was not the only one to receive a nasty surprise.

Immediately after the gun fired, and before his face crashed into the ground, he saw the shock on his partner's face, the terror in his eyes. Then his shooter fled, undoubtedly filled with guilt. Later the man would commit suicide, hanging himself in his basement.

The injured cop knew that no one would reach him in time, knew that his eyes would soon see nothing, engulfed in a hungry sea of darkness. Yes, the end was near, and there was nothing he could do about it. Thoughts of the past filled his mind, the sins he had committed. One particularly viscous argument with his wife appeared and a pained groan escaped him.

It hadn't been all bad however, no, there had been happier times. Times where the weight of the world vanished, and everything just clicked. These memories were also ones of his family....a family that he would never see again. As tears fell from his eyes, the thunder began to subside. Police sirens overtook the short lived silence. Evidently, someone had witnessed the shooting and called the police, not that it mattered. As he lie there in agony, a black alley cat crept up to his face. It froze, next to his nose, and stared into his eyes.

It appeared to be sad, seemingly sensing his pain. Confirming this was a soft, comforting lick against his cheek. The cat then sat there, softly meowing as the rain soaked its fur. Part of the man wanted to smile, but the pain was to strong. "Not much longer now." he thought. Footsteps. The cop attempted to turn towards them, but found himself unable. A sudden, strange calm overtook him as the footsteps drew closer. Eventually they stopped next to his head.

The cat looked up towards the stranger, but never moved. "Worry not, you have nothing to fear.", came a soothing voice. The cop knew that it was true, truer than anything he'd ever heard. "Come with me and I promise you'll see your family again." Joy overtook the cop, all was not lost he realized. A hand appeared in front of the cop's face. To his surprise, he found that he could move his arm. He grasped the warm, gentle hands of the stranger, and pulled himself up. Without a word, the stranger the cop headed to the end of the alleyway, leaving the cat....and corpse behind.



There you go, this is my first short story, and I'd love to get some feedback on it. I apologize for posting it twice (the other one is in short stories). I only reposted it in hopes it might recieve a critique here, thank you.

edropus

Hi there Adjective.

A couple small grammar problems - 'his face lie against the cold...' Believe that should be 'lay', or 'lies' if you're changing the tense. Etc. No big deal - can pick them up with a quick once-over.

'He however, was not the only one to receive a nasty surprise'... this sentence feels kind of funny.

Most of this is directly from the cop's point of view, but then there's extra stuff, like how the shooter kills himself. Kind of takes you out of the experience, and this seems like an experience piece - the experience of dying. Nice to have his thoughts, but some physical sensation would be nice too - this is, after all, a guy bleeding to death in cold rain.

Pretty simple and straight forward. Not sure if it's part of something larger - as a stand alone piece, I get the story, but I'm not sure what it's supposed to tell me.

Nice to see you writing - keep it up.

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terrib

I thought the rule was people lie....things lay? so wouldn't it be "his face laid against the cold....

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Adjective Ocean

Thanks, nah, it's just a little piece I wrote and felt like posting. I'll try to talk more about the physical pain, as it IS a big part of it. Yeah, there really isn't a moral/meaning necessarily. It's a suppose to be a short story, but I see that it needs more meat on its bones. Thanks for the critique.