Frank's Diner - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

KangTheMad · 11-06-2008, 09:48 AM

It was a cold, overcast April day. Wind blew lazily through the streets of New York, rustling newspapers and forcing the growing amount of homeless to huddle tighter under their thin blankets. The Thirties were cruel period in time, and yet the most bonding. Never have I seen so many people help each other out. Everyone gave what they could to others who needed it. In a way, The Depression was a good time if you had the money.

I turned up the neck of my trench coat to block the wind and hurried across the street. I pushed open the door Frank's. Frank Deglanios was an old schoolboy chum of mine, even if he did neck with my girlfriend. Well, to tell the truth she was my ex, but still. The lights were dim and there were a few people at the counter, perched on the red vinyl stools. I took the far one next to the wall, the one next to the signed photograph of FDR. In my opinion he was the best President this country ever had.

Frank walked up to me. He seemed stretched, like to little butter spread over toast. "The usual Fred?"

I nodded. "The usual. Are you ok? You don't look well."

He waved my question away with his hand, "I'm fine, you just got me on a bad day." He jammed two slices of bread into a dented toaster and filled a cup o' Joe.

I took the coffee and toast, grateful for something other than eggs and cornflakes at home. "Apparently Billy Jengis killed himself last night. Left a suicide note and everything. Shot himself in the chest with his bolt action .22."

Frank snorted with derision. "And the coppers actually beleive that? Jesus. More than likely his wife shot him and forged the note."

I nodded in glum agreement. "Aye, Sally is strange like that. I wouldn't put it past her. She probably planned it since all this started."

Frank sighed sadly. "Billy would never kill himself, he's Catholic. It makes no sense."

"Sally ain't anything. Shes whatcha call it?"

"Atheist I think."

"yeah, thats it. Atheist. She souldnt expect any pardons from Him when she kicks it."

Kayleigh7 · 11-06-2008, 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KangTheMad

It was a cold, overcast April day. Wind blew lazily through the streets of New York, rustling newspapers and forcing the growing amount of homeless to huddle tighter under their thin blankets. The Thirties were cruel period in time, and yet the most bonding. Never have I seen so many people help each other out. Everyone gave what they could to others who needed it. In a way, The Depression was a good time if you had the money.

I turned up the neck of my trench coat to block the wind and hurried across the street. I pushed open the door Frank's. Frank Deglanios was an old schoolboy chum of mine, even if he did neck with my girlfriend. Well, to tell the truth she was my ex, but still. The lights were dim and there were a few people at the counter, perched on the red vinyl stools. I took the far one next to the wall, the one next to the signed photograph of FDR. In my opinion he was the best President this country ever had.

Frank walked up to me. He seemed stretched, like too little butter spread over toast. "The usual Fred?"

I nodded. "The usual. Are you ok? You don't look well."

He waved my question away with his hand, "I'm fine, you just got me on a bad day." He jammed two slices of bread into a dented toaster and filled a cup o' Joe.

I took the coffee and toast, grateful for something other than eggs and cornflakes at home. "Apparently Billy Jengis killed himself last night. Left a suicide note and everything. Shot himself in the chest with his bolt action .22."

Frank snorted with derision. "And the coppers actually beleive that? Jesus. More than likely his wife shot him and forged the note."

I nodded in glum agreement. "Aye, Sally is strange like that. I wouldn't put it past her. She probably planned it since all this started."

Frank sighed sadly. "Billy would never kill himself, he's Catholic. It makes no sense."

"Sally ain't anything. Shes whatcha call it?"

"Atheist I think."

"yeah, thats it. Atheist. She souldnt expect any pardons from Him when she kicks it."

other than that..I thought it was good.

KangTheMad · 11-06-2008, 10:01 AM

The small silver bell over the dorr tinkled gently and a gust of cold air swept in, scattering dust across the floor. A tall Italian man walked in and sat down at the front of the counter. Frank swore quietly and walked over to him.

They talked for a couple of minutes, all the time Frank was twisting his wedding ring. Frank always twists his wedding ring when hes nervous. He doesn't even know he is doing it most of the time, its a psycological thing I guess, sort of like when you chew your fingernails or something. The Italian got up and left and Frank went about asking if the other people needed anything. Two guys wanted a refill on their coffee. Eventually he made it back to me. "What was that about?" I looked at him, concerned.

"Nothing important." He sighed. "That man was Antonellie Scazorini. Enforcer of the Scazorini familiy."

"What have you gotten yourself into bud?"

"They pay me to hold crap games after I close down. They pay me good too. Without it I could hardly keep this diner open and support my wife at the same time."

"So what did he want?"

"They want to move a crap game up to tonight, which means I have to close early."

I looked at him. "Everyone does something they aren't proud of. But if they do it for their family and not for a personal vendetta," I pased at the irony of that word, "then they can at least sleep easier at night."

Taxiday · 11-06-2008, 12:32 PM

This is well written but --- I had to work past the first paragraph as it somehow didn't grab me. Can't explain why. Sorry.

KangTheMad · 11-06-2008, 01:00 PM

Frank nodded his head glumly. "Yes, but if word leaks out, the coppers will come and haul me to jail. I can't tell the coppers for the obvious." He slid a finger across his throat.

I finished eating and downed the last of the coffee. "Well, take care of yourself bud." I dropped a dollar on the counter and left. I sighed, frustrated. Just last week I had found a new job as a police officer. I hadn't told Frank earlier this week for some reason that I can't remember. And now I knew where the Scazorini family was meeting, and when. And on top of that, illegal gambling. I cursed under my breath, I couldn't do that to Frank. I couldn't tell the cheif, I just couldn't. Frank was my buddy since high school and I just could not endanger him by raiding the place.

I walked home, a good three miles. I sold my car early on in the depression to keep myself afloat and to pay off the month's mortage. My house was a colonial era two story, I was lucky to have a house and not an apartment like others. I walked up and opened the front door. As usual my dog, Jake, jumped up on me and started licking me furiously as if I had been gone for a week instead of a couple hours. I pushed himm off of me and hung my trenchcoat on the coatrack. The coatrack had come with the house, and had a secret compartment near the top, where there was a large bulge for putting a hat. It was jsut big enough to fit a small revolver, which I haad put in there when I joined the force.

SparkyLT · 11-08-2008, 04:22 PM

Quote:

In a way, The Depression was a good time if you had the money.

I don't think the 'the' should be capitalized.

Quote:

I turned up the neck of my trench coat to block the wind and hurried across the street. I pushed open the door Frank's.

Don't start both of these with 'the'. It makes it sound...flat.

Quote:

Frank snorted with derision. "And the coppers actually beleive that? Jesus. More than likely his wife shot him and forged the note."

"I before E, except after..." oh however that damn thing goes. It should be 'believe', is what I'm saying.

Quote:

"Sally ain't anything. She's whatcha call it?"

"Atheist I think."

"Yeah, that's it. Atheist. She shouldn't expect any pardons from Him when she kicks it."

The necessary changes are in bold.

Quote:

The small silver bell over the dorr tinkled gently and a gust of cold air swept in, scattering dust across the floor.

Dorr? Methinks you mean door. Otherwise, I really like this sentence.

Quote:

They talked for a couple of minutes, all the time Frank was twisting his wedding ring. Frank always twists his wedding ring when he's nervous.

Obvious mistake in the second sentence. The first one is a run on; change it to something like, "They talked for a couple of minutes, Frank twisting his wedding ring all the while."

Quote:

I cursed under my breath, I couldn't do that to Frank. I couldn't tell the cheif, I just couldn't.

First sentence: make the comma semicolon and you're good. Second sentence: "I before E..." ...cheif = chief.

Quote:

I pushed himm off of me and hung my trenchcoat on the coatrack.

Quote:

It was jsut big enough to fit a small revolver, which I haad put in there when I joined the force.

'Himm' should be 'him', 'jsut' should be 'just', 'haad' should be 'had'. Look for typos before you post, ok? Some of`em will always get past you, but make sure you check.

...So, what, you're too good to reply to people's comments?