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Old 11-05-2008, 11:16 AM   #1
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Blizzard

Any advice? Thanks.


Blizzard

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Blizzard

That evening, after finishing work and locking up the pizzeria, I headed home in the heavy snowfall. Head down and collar up, I trudged, almost blindly, through the blizzard-like conditions, thinking only of my warm bed. My apartment was about six blocks away, and, as usual, I took the shortcut through the alley. Entering the alley, I noticed, barely, a small creature lying by a trash can. At first, I thought it was a rat, but upon closer observation, I discovered, to my amazement, that it was a kitten.

Feeling sorry for the helpless critter, I scooped it out of the snow, unbuttoned my coat, and tucked it inside. With the kitten now nestling against my chest, I accelerated, slipping and sliding in the snow, for home. Finally arriving in my apartment, I pulled out the small critter and placed it on my kitchen floor. It was beige, and its tail was a dark brown, almost black; its unique color resembled a mountain lion. The kitten must have been four to six weeks old, and how it survived the snowstorm was a mystery to me.

For a few minutes, I watched the little fellow scamper around the kitchen floor, very much aware of its friendlier environment. Knowing it must be hungry, I opened the refrigerator for milk and poured some into a dish. Quickly, the little fellow licked the dish dry. Then, I opened a can of tuna and put some into the dish. Smelling the tuna sent the little critter into a near frenzy. It began purring loudly while I lowered the dish to the floor. As it began feasting on the tuna, I left it alone and went to bed.

Next morning, I awakened to find it curled up comfortably near my pillow; the little fellow was taking full advantage of its newly found luck. As I lay in bed, staring at the adorable critter, I convinced myself that I would keep it, and immediately started thinking about a name. It didn’t take long however. The appropriate name flashed in my mind while I happened to glance out my window and noticed the heavy snowfall hadn’t stopped yet. At that moment, “Blizzard” had its name.

About six weeks after finding "Blizzard," I had a frightening experience in my apartment. I came home just as a burglar was ransacking it. The intruder was just as surprised to see me as I was to see him. He pointed a gun at me and ordered me to empty the contents of my pocket onto the kitchen table. When I put my wallet on it, he grinned. Then, just as he reached for it, something strange occurred. A crash coming from my bedroom startled both of us. I assumed "Blizzard" knocked something over; the burglar didn’t know what to make of the noise.

The crash was followed immediately by a deafening roar. This time, however, we were more than rattled. The chilling roar scared the hell out of us. Fearing for his life, the burglar turned the gun away from me and aimed it toward the bedroom. But, a cat, the size of a mountain lion, had already leaped from the room and landed right on the burglar, who managed to get off three quick rounds. Unfortunately, for him, though, the huge cat already had its teeth dug deeply into his throat as they both tumbled to kitchen floor, with neither moving anymore.

Trembling, I rushed into the bedroom to call the police. When the 911 operator answered, I told her somebody was dead in my apartment, and after giving her my address, she said that a patrol car would be at my home in a few minutes. I hung up the phone and, still trembling, raced back into the kitchen to wait for the police. But when I returned into the kitchen, I received an even greater shock. For lying on the floor was only one body—the burglar’s. The big cat that came to my rescue had vanished!

When the police arrived, I never told them what had really taken place in the apartment. In fact, when the two policemen saw the deep gash on the dead burglar’s throat, they began opening every drawer in my kitchen searching for a bloody steak knife, which they believed I used to defend myself. It was the police's version—murder by self-defense—that was written in the crime report. I kept mum.

Oh, yes, one more bit of intriguing information to complete this mystery—I never ever saw “Blizzard” again.

Last edited by Robinjazz : 11-08-2008 at 09:30 AM.
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Old 11-05-2008, 06:30 PM   #2
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Hi there Robin,

One thing I'll stay right off the bat is that I didn't get bored reading this, and I usually get bored real quick. I didn't have any trouble making it through to the end. You write in a real no-nonsense way where few sentences are wasted, and there's a constant focus on conflict against the main character, whether it just be the weather or the robber. So thumbs up for that. Keep it up.

I didn't get the story. I understand what happened in it, but not why. I'm not one of those people who thinks that every story has to be a metaphor or anything, but this is very short, to the point - a few things happen in quick succession. But there's not so much as a hint of explanation as to why what went on went on.

Didn't love the story itself - as in, what happened - but I enjoyed the telling. Looking forward to seeing more.
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Old 11-06-2008, 02:49 AM   #3
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I liked it, it seemed like a bit of a karmic tale. The protagonist getting his reward for rescuing the poor kitty. The only thing I would have to say is watch the adverbs. "The burglar grinned slyly." Just saying that the burglar grinned gets the point across fine.
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Old 11-08-2008, 03:52 PM   #4
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This was fine up to the action point. The writing got a litle sloppy, like you had just rushed through it without checking it properly unlike the rest of it. Also, overuse of the word 'critter' was irritating' as was 'little'. We know it's little. It sounds too sugary! 'kitten' is fine. Or find ways round using these words too much.
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Old 11-08-2008, 04:03 PM   #5
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I like the story, but the prose seems to have too many commas or something, and, unlike Edropus, I did get bored reading it; I only kept at it because I was curious about the kitten.

I'm with Hippohead about the repitition - better watch that. I would suggest using some pronouns: call the kitten 'he' or 'she' instead of using, 'the adorable little critter' all the time. Oh, and you don't need to put the cat's name in quotation marks.
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Old 11-09-2008, 09:41 AM   #6
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Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it, and I'll try to clean up the piece.
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