Rag Doll (prologue) - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

clueless097 · 11-05-2008, 01:28 AM

Just a little something I put together. I have written more but for the purpose of this forum, I've only posted the prologue. It's supposed to be the start of a murder, crime type story. Also note many sentences are not supposed to start at the very beginning of the line. I usually begin some of my sentences at different points, if that makes sense, as I wanted to emulate the character's increasing turbulence.. but the text box won't let me. Thanks in advance for reading!

Prologue

The walls around me staggered.

They glistened with terror, struggling to contain me as they guided me along the darkness that engulfed me whole. All my senses within me burning, my fingertips etched their way across the rough surface, desperate to find their way out. My breathing was heavy; my heart at its peak as I dreaded what would come for me. I knew he was out there, waiting with the darkness.

Waiting for me.

My tattered clothing torn against my body, clinging to whatever it could, it held the pieces of me together. But even it knew.

Sorrow leaked out of me, the tears swept down my face, desperate to escape my empty body. But even they could not run; they could not hide.

My throat ached from my cries, but I knew it was no use, for no one could hear me here. No one would be able to hear the pain I would have to endure. The floor beneath me stumbled, shaking in pure terror. My fingertips no longer guiding me, even they had betrayed my body as they etched their way forward no more. For soon he was coming. Soon he would tangle the remaining pieces of my soul.

I did not hear him coming.

My ears would not let me. He grabbed me, his stone hard body rough against mine. Limp in his hands, he carried me like a rag doll further into the night. The bloodied wounds on my arms became my friends as my skin knew me no longer. For it too cried in pain. He threw me. I landed hard; harder than his rock-hard body. Insanity crept over me, terror overwhelmed me as a scarred hand began to bruise my life.

I felt numb, the burdens of my life flashing before me. My eyes now unable to cry, my smile could know happiness no longer.

He slashed at me...

the darkness growing bigger and bigger as he hacked away...

dismembering my body.

Dismembering me.

iceguy303 · 11-05-2008, 07:57 AM

To return the favor, I like the play in your words. I think the suspense in your opening would be better style with shorter sentences. That may give more speed and desperation into the scene.

Is the character in the prologue the main character in the book? If not, you might want to shift the POV to narrative, or through the anatagonist's POV. As it is, I think the first person would be awkward if she isn't in the rest of the book.

"My tattered clothing torn against my body, clinging to whatever it could, it held the pieces of me together. But even it knew. "

My tattered clothing held my body together, clinging to my skin where ever it could.

I like the images in your sentence, but I think the mechanics need to be reworked. This is an area that I truly have a hard time with.

Thank you for sharing and I would love to read more. You have me interested in where this is going. How much have you written so far? How long have you been at it?

clueless097 · 11-05-2008, 05:26 PM

Thanks so much for your advice

I've been at this specific story for a few months, I think. But I stopped because I didn't like where it was going.

I will definitely be making the changes you advised. To tell you the truth, I have written about seven and a half more chapters, but I don't think they really fit with the prologue. I think I should use this prologue for a whole different story instead..

It's from the point of view of the victim of the crime, so the next chapters would be from the POV of maybe an FBI agent, or something along those lines...

Hence, taking your advice, maybe I should change the POV in this prologue. Good thinking.

Thanks!!

panicnight26 · 11-05-2008, 10:09 PM

He he, did I inspire this title in any way? Prolong it a little and we'll talk. The only real problem I have with this is is you're separation of paragraphs. You break them off from each other in an unorganized way. In between your paragraphs are single lines. Sometimes the lines contain what the character is feeling, and sometimes an action. For example, the "He slashed at me" seemed odd to be separated from the paragraphs since many other sentences similar to (such as "He threw me.") that aren't separated from the other paragraphs.

clueless097 · 11-06-2008, 01:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by panicnight26

He he, did I inspire this title in any way? Prolong it a little and we'll talk. The only real problem I have with this is is you're separation of paragraphs. You break them off from each other in an unorganized way. In between your paragraphs are single lines. Sometimes the lines contain what the character is feeling, and sometimes an action. For example, the "He slashed at me" seemed odd to be separated from the paragraphs since many other sentences similar to (such as "He threw me.") that aren't separated from the other paragraphs.

Hehe... actually that's why I told you that I wrote something very similar in my story, because it reminded me of the title of my story.

Thanks so much for the advice!