HELP! I reaallllyyy dislike this chapter :( - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

silverfoxgirl · 10-27-2008, 09:16 PM

Chapter Two

I splashed water across my face and patted it dry with a soft towel. I wondered whether I should bother with makeup, deciding that I couldn’t go wrong with cherry-colored lip gloss.
Julie’s car honked outside my window. I hurried down the stairs and out the front door, hopping into the Porsche and closing the door gingerly.
Julie’s family was loaded. They had inherited a fortune from Julie’s grandparents, so her parents didn’t even have to work. Even so, they had always been too busy for her, off at parties or charity events, or else her mother would go drink tea with other wealthy women while her father golfed with their husbands. Julie always seemed to be left behind, with a nanny and a wad of cash. (And me, of course.)
Julie pushed her black bob away from her face, showing shiny pink lips and green eyes lined perfectly in black. She was wearing a fitted denim jacket over a pale blue halter and low rise jeans that exposed her stomach, with shoes I would never be able to walk in.
“Hey! What’s up?” Julie asked, grinning to reveal laser-whitened teeth.
“Nothing really. I just need a mall day,” I answered.
She gave me a funny look.
Damn it. I was in the presence of a mind reader.
“My parents are gone for a month. I know, right? But they gave me like, insane amounts of money for, like movies and emergencies. I’m never going to use it. Wanna split it?”
“No… I couldn’t…” I protested unenthusiastically.
“God damn it, I feel so spoiled.”
“You admitting you’re spoiled? How much money could they have…”
Julie opened her purse. I felt my mouth drop.
Julie laughed. “Omigod, I know!”
This was exactly what I needed—it was impossible to be depressed with Julie. She always seemed so confident in her actions, so self-assured and happy.
We called Julie’s driver four hours later, leaving only because the mall was about to close. The heavy shopping bags left red grooves in my palms where their handles pressed into my skin, but I didn’t mind in the least bit.
“You know,” Julie said, her voice muffled by a giant pretzel, “I think I can forgive my parents for trying to buy my love. I think it’s working.”
I contemplated that, looking at the ridiculous amount of designer clothes in our hands, not to mention Sephora makeup, and six pairs of shoes. I mean, if they were going to ignore her anyway, we might as well get some nice stuff out of it.
Julie’s driver sighed disapprovingly from the front seat.
“We were just kidding, you know that,” Julie insisted.
He turned on the radio without looking back, and loud music filled the car.
Julie sighed and stuck out her tongue

silverfoxgirl · 10-27-2008, 09:17 PM

Chapter One
The sunlight leaked through the dark blue curtains on my windows. Looking at them, I could remember the day my father bought them—he had said that they were the color of my eyes. And he was right, the strange indigo shade matched exactly. I yawned and sat up, rubbing my drape-colored eyes and blinking. I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. It was almost three o’clock-- another Saturday wasted to insomnia. I hadn’t fallen asleep until my parents left for work—about 5:45 am. I pulled off my old tee shirt and flannel pajama pants, and dressed in a light gray sweater and jeans. I attempted to pull a brush through my hair, but it ripped out what seemed to be entire locks of auburn curls, so I gave up and threw the unruly mess in a pony tail
I walked briskly down the stairs, almost tripping at the end. Sitting on a wooden chair in the kitchen, I grabbed an apple and began gnawing on it contentedly. I was half-way finished when the phone rang, knocking me out of my chair. I blushed and picked it up.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Arianna?”
“Julie? How many times have I asked you to call me Anna? You sound like my Grandmother,” I said indignantly.
“You told me it was a pretty name in preschool. I still think so,” Julie said. She clearly wasn’t going to change her mind today.
“Alright, Julianne. See, it sounds like we’re business partners or something,” I protested.
“Oh, deal. So, do you want to hear why I called you?”
“Sure,” I mumbled, yawning.
“Did you just wake up?” she asked accusingly.
“Ten minutes ago…”
“I thought it stopped… you not being able to sleep. You were OK last week,” Julie said, a mother-like hint of worry in her voice.
I laughed half heartedly.
“I’m fine, I promise.”
There was silence on the other end of the phone.
Desperate to change the subject before she gave herself a heart attack, I began, “So, what did you what to call me for?”
“Oooohh, thanks for reminding me! You know that girl Brianna in our math class? Well I heard…” Julie launched into a long and detailed story that I only half listened to. “Isn’t that funny?” she asked expectantly at the end. It took me a second to realize she was asking me a question.
“Oh, yeah. Mm- hm,” I answered quickly.
“Were you listening? Are you sure you’re OK, ‘cause I--”
“Hey Julie, I’ll talk to you later, ‘kay? I have another call,” I lied, slamming the phone into the receiver. Sighing, I sunk back into my chair. I looked around for my apple, finding under the kitchen counter with a wide array of filth, dog hair, crumbs, and who-knows-what’s. Deciding I probably shouldn’t eat it, I gave the apple to the owner of the hairs that coated it—Panda, a six month old border collie. Panda grabbed it from my hands happily and tossed it into the air.
With the lack of anything better to do, I decided on taking a walk. The cool autumn air felt good against my face. It wasn’t until I was a block away from home when I realized that I should have taken poor Panda—he hadn’t gotten any exercise all week.
No sooner had I begun thinking about my own dog did I see another dog sitting in the middle of the sidewalk. It was a husky, I decided… but it was so skinny... and since when did huskies have yellow eyes?
Oh god.
This was a wolf.
It had to be. Looking at it, I couldn’t imagine how I thought it was a dog. There had never been a wolf sighting in my suburban neighborhood, and yet…
I backed away, but it stared me in the eye, never looking away or blinking. It seemed to smile cruelly as it took a careful step forward.
Wolves… what did I know about wolves? I remembered being told as a child that you should never run from a dog that acts aggressive, because it would always be faster than you (unless it was a little one, in which case I was instructed to kick it across the room). Maybe wolves were the same.
I took another step backward, my heart thumping in my chest. Even though I’d never seen a real wolf before, I could tell that there was something wrong with this one. For one thing, it was huge. It was as high as a small car at the shoulder, but lean and muscular. Its size became ever more apparent as it advanced on me.
I backed up, still trying to follow the “never run from a dog” rule.
It was easier said than done, believe it or not.
I wondered whether or not I should scream—would someone help me, or would the wolf lunge before anyone could reach me?
The wolf took another large step toward me.
No sooner had I parted my lips to cry out for help did I feel a rough hand over my mouth. I felt a whole new wave of terror wash over me, and I attempted in vain to wriggle free.
My captor barked something at the wolf (and I mean “bark” bark—like a dog). The creature glared at him and disappeared into a patch of trees.
The man turned to face me, and I realized he wasn’t even really a man, but a boy. About my age, with dark brown hair and the strangest amber-colored eyes, sad and pleading.
“Look, I won’t hurt you. Just please don’t scream,” he said, his voice panicked.
I bit his hand as hard as I could, feeling satisfied when I tasted blood. He pulled it from my mouth, the bite not phasing him at all. My first instinct was to yell, but I couldn’t find my voice.
“Listen to me. You cannot tell anyone you saw that wolf, do you understand? No one.”
Before I could answer, he had darted away, disappearing into the same wooded area as the wolf after giving me a fleeting glance.
I stood up, brushing gravel from my jeans and smoothing down my hair.
I didn’t realize I was crying until I got home.
I picked up the phone, dialing Julie’s number without even looking at the numbers (I knew it by heart).
“Hello?”
“Julie?” I asked, my voice shaking.
“Yah, it’s me. Arianna, you sound like shit, what’s wrong?”
“I’m fine. Are you free today?”
“Not anymore. I’m taking you to the mall. Now. I’ll get my driver to take us.”
“Thanks, Julie.”
“No problem. See you in five minutes, ‘kay?
“Could you make it ten?” I asked, needing time for my teary eyes to return to normal.
“Sure, whatev’. Bring lots of money, you sound like you could use a shopping spree. Talk to you later.”
“I do, see you later.”

tay_tracy35 · 10-27-2008, 09:31 PM

"Julie’s family was loaded. They had inherited a fortune from Julie’s grandparents, so her parents didn’t even have to work. Even so, they had always been too busy for her, off at parties or charity events, or else her mother would go drink tea with other wealthy women while her father golfed with their husbands."

I'd like to see this paragraph broken up. It's kind of a run-on sentence. Otherwise, this was nice is showing more of Julie. She comes from a unique background and her personality is a little more understandable. What I'm wondering is, why include a scene like this--at the mall--just to come immediately home? Now, this is just a suggestion, but you could include some other event that wither reveals more of the main character or something that shows WHY the two are good friends. How do the characters fit together, work together?

silverfoxgirl · 10-27-2008, 09:39 PM

Thanks

Ilasir Maroa · 10-27-2008, 10:19 PM

This was fairly well written, but if you hate it so much, I'm not sure why you posted it. I don't see anything out-right wrong, though. I think that you skipped the actual mall trip to focus on the characterization, and I feel that it felt a little forced for that. I'm also curious as to why there's no seen break before, "We called Julie's driver..." since that seems to be the first line after the mall. After reading the first chapter, I get the impression that there are a lot of these fast scenes. Not necessarily bad, but something to contemplate.

Mike C · 10-28-2008, 07:38 AM

Some confusion... the porsche. Who's driving? We assume at the outset that it must be Julie, but later a driver is mentioned. Sorry, but unless the girls (or one of them at least) is a midget, they won't all fit. The rear seats in porsches, where they have them, are tiny and only realy work for putting shopping on. And you don't shut the door on a porsche 'gingerly' - they clunk shut. If you're gentle with them, they don't shut properly.

courtneyv · 10-28-2008, 02:50 PM

* I think you should start your book right at the wolf. That's excellent stuff!!! That's conflict. Show the snarled teeth, crazed eyes, and express her fear of dying before whatever to show her age. Make that scene seem more perilous until she faces the boy. Wake-ups are a terrible way to start any novel. What's the point of your book? What is your MC's main goal? How old is she? What makes her tick? I want to hear her voice. Events are told in a manner that's too step-by-step.

* I really don't think you should use first person until you can adeptly wield a vivid, intriguing voice. Too many of your sentences start with I. [There are so many difficulties and pitfalls with first, even by accomplished writers. You can read more about that in my blog post: Risking Life and Limb with Me, Myself & I] You could try subjective third. [You can read more about that in my blog post: Being Safe at Third.]

* Drape-colored eyes in the way you described the curtains seem unnatural to me.

* You have to explain more in the narrative and give some grounding. I have no clue who Julie is, or Anna for that matter. Much of their dialogue seems forced, like you're just trying to get information out. Dialogue should move the story forward and reveal things organically. You're trying to convey too much in speech and it's sludgy. Let her opinion break out in the narrative and spill details there. Work on making Anna pop. What's unique about her? The insomnia thing is good. Pique curiosity with that; flesh that out more. If the cause is a mystery, then tease readers. Make me care what happens to her.

* Drop things like I felt, I heard, was, there...e.g. so sensory impressions can stand out. Instead of, I felt a whole wave of terror wash through me. use, A wave of terror washed through me....Lingering stenches of bacon and burnt coffee in the kitchen had me close to hurling...Mr breath caught as the icy water I'd splashed on my face raced down between my breasts before I could absorb them with the towel in my fist.

* I'd like to hear more of her thoughts after the boy rushes off. What did she think of that? Of him? Of the wolf? Is bewilderment lingering? That part's really intriguing. Build it up. Use that as your hook.

silverfoxgirl · 10-28-2008, 09:49 PM

Thank you for all the help =)
It switches perspective from Will (the boy you just met) and Anna every few chapters, so I think I'll still keep it in first. I find it easier to write that way.
The reason I didn't like it is that it kind of reminded me of those crappy novels about rich 7th graders with no real problems that rot braincells.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-28-2008, 10:36 PM

Personally, I don't think your first person voice is very engaging yet, either, but one of the best ways to improve is to practice. A novel will give you plenty of practice.

I would like to echo courtney's comment about the use of verbs like "felt", "wondered", etc. When you talk about Julie, you tend to use more active (not in the technical sense, here) phrasings and words, but when the character is alone, she describes what she's doing and feeling with some of the verbs mentioned above. In first person, because it's already such an intimiate voice, you can have her ask herself questions directly. Make her comments part of the narrative. Instead of "I wondered whether I should bother with make-up...", you could write: "Should I bother with make-up?" We are, after all, reading the character's own feelings and memories, so it's not a long jump to having her say them stright out.

silverfoxgirl · 10-30-2008, 09:43 PM

Hmm... I'll try that and see where it goes.
Thank you

Wintermute · 10-31-2008, 03:25 PM

I'm just reiterating what's been said above. The voice feels so devoid of color and personality that it reads more like an outline to me than a story, or a very distant third person.

"I walked here. I put on my lipstick. I walked into the car." It just reads like a laundry list and isn't very engrossing. For reference, type Ctrl + F into your word processor and find all I's and replace them with She. If the context of the sentence doesn't change, you might want to think about why you chose first person.

Other than that, some good material to work with. Good luck.