College Application Essay - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Jester831 · 10-27-2008, 05:21 PM

The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Journey

Growing up in the wake of my families civil rights activism, in the wake of being ostracized from our home in Steamboat, I started out my new life in Wisconsin in utter turmoil – every thought was that of grim clairvoyance, every thought counting the days to my desolation. In those days my reality was a glass sphere: a realm of solitary confinement - an emotional void encapsulated by an incessantly shattering barrier. Every day even the most harmless of occurrences left me gathering the broken shards of my reality. Every day I was struggling to reclaim my former happiness. I was a lost soul, broken by fate yet lingering on by some instinctual force.

It was in this period that something truly amazing happened; my world finally crashed, my world finally crashed and with it crumbled the barrier that perpetuated my pariah. It was strange, despite my ruin I felt a sense of liberation: for the first time in years I was open, the emotional void that sustained my delusions had collapsed and with it my heart began once again to beat. For so long, in my misery I had left my hearts love forsaken, for so long I had wallowed in my own self-pity, ignorant of all those I had cast away for some meaningless sense of self-sacrifice. My misery had resonated within as I tried to contain it and alone bear the world. As my walls crashed down though, all the misery that had long reverberated within suddenly dissipated and I began to remember all that I truly cherish, all that I have long held important. Despite all the adversity I faced, I drew an eternal happiness from my unyielding love of people; love of the world and in knowing that, despite the hardships we face, our struggle is one for the bettering of humanity. It is from this revelation that my heart bore a simple resolve, a simple resolve to always take the high road.

Looking back, we had so many opportunities to abandon our cause, to end the hardship and live in selfish simplicity. So many times, we had the chance to put everything behind us, to move on and absolve ourselves of the burdens we carry. I am thankful for, possibly more than anything else, the fact that we didn’t stand idly by waiting for others to stand up and the fact that we never succumbed to our woes. I am thankful for these hardships I’ve endured because of them bore an inner happiness unparalleled and for the first time in my life a sense of clarity.

Now, at the verge of my life’s direction, that clarity remains – while I do not know where I’ll go or how I’ll do it, I have made my resolve to change the world, to better mankind. I do not intend to go to college to simply declare a major and fall into a predestined path through the ranks of work. I intend to prepare myself, hone my skills and harden my resolve so that I may become the harbinger of a new mankind, so that I may liberate mankind of their binding tethers and start a revolution through their hearts.

Sam Winchester · 10-27-2008, 05:38 PM

My first piece of advice - cut out the bombastic language. You're applying for a position in a college. You aren't trying to show them that you have the world's best vocabulary. This entire piece is shrouded in verbiage. That, likely, won't win you any admirers. I'm not saying you're trying to show off, but that's exactly what they might think. Keep it simple.

If I was a professor reading that, I wouldn't have the answer to the question you posed at the top of the page.

Olly Buckle · 10-27-2008, 06:30 PM

Sam's right, "shrouded in verbiage" is a good description. It is very hard to pick meaning out of this. I would suggest that you start by making a shorthand list of things you want to say and points you wish to make, then put them in order. Try and avoid tautology, saying the same thing with different words, spinning it out by repeating yourself, trying to give emphasis to a point by putting the same thing another way. See what I mean?

tay_tracy35 · 10-27-2008, 09:25 PM

I'm going to say this outright--i only read your first paragraph. What I'm seeing is something I myself have difficulty with, even now. I see your voice as a CREATIVE writer. While this essay is personal, i want to see you write in a scholarly manner without getting lost in a thesaurus. Your should speak from the heart with a little less drama. Say what you're going to say without trying to impress them with a vocabulary--the vocabulary in a paragraph has to compliment the meaning of the paragraph.

This is a good start. Don't get frustrated. Just relax and write--be yourself.

Jester831 · 10-27-2008, 10:12 PM

K, thx. How's the second draft then?

Journey
Growing up in the wake of my families civil rights activism, in the wake of being ostracized from our home in Steamboat, I started out my new life in Wisconsin lost in turmoil: every thought anticipating my desolation, every thought questioning whether or not if we were going to make it, constantly wondering if the family would fall apart or if the business would be lost. In those days my reality was like a glass sphere: fragile and empty – an emotional void satiated only by the mere instinctual yearning to live on.

It was in this period that something truly amazing happened; my world finally crashed, my world finally crashed and with it crumbled the barrier that perpetuated my solitude. It was strange, despite my ruin I felt a sense of liberation: for the first time in years I was open, the emotional void that sustained my delusions had collapsed and with it my heart began once again to beat. For so long I had allowed a sense of misery to resonate within me, wallowing in my own self-pity – ignorant of all those I had cast away for some meaningless sense of self-sacrifice. I wanted to bear the weight of the world on my shoulders, to conceal my burdens and protect others from the sadness I felt. And as I couldn’t, as the wall came crashing down, all that misery that had long reverberated within suddenly dissipated and I began to remember all that I cherished, all that I held dear. It was this clarity; this sense of knowing of what I loved in life and knowing that life will always move on, that redeemed my spirits. Despite all the adversity I faced, I drew happiness from the love of others, the love of my family, my love of the world and in know that, despite the hardships faced, our struggle is to better humanity. It was from this revelation that my heart bore a simple resolve to always take the high road, to remain virtuous and to always hold close that which I cherish. And so I set out the lifelong task of bettering myself and bettering humanity.

It’s been a decade now that we’ve been fighting and looking back, we’ve had dozens of opportunities to back down, to end the hardship and live in simplicity. So many times, we’ve had the chance to put everything behind us and absolve ourselves of the burdens we carry. Rather than despising all that I’ve had to endure, I’m actually somewhat grateful for it. From it bore a sense of pride – pride in the fact that we didn’t stand idly by waiting for others to stand up, pride in the fact that we never succumbed to our woes. And from it bore a sense of inner happiness – it is as though my soul is liberated by the sense of clarity, the sense of knowing what matters I achieved.

Now, at the verge of my life’s direction, that clarity remains – while I do not know how, I have made my resolve to change the world, to better mankind. I do not intend to go to college to simply declare a major and fall into works predestined paths, but rather to better myself and expand my potential to do great things. I intent to prepare myself, hone my skills, and harden my resolve so that I may have the strength to become the harbinger of a new mankind, so that I may start a revolution through their hearts.

Jester831 · 10-27-2008, 10:20 PM

I didn't really look up any words while writing this... I guess it's just my writing style for the most part. I cleaned up the second revision in a few parts but still, I would help if you pointed out some of the specifics because I suppose I'm just naturally oblivious to this.

Ben · 10-27-2008, 10:25 PM

I don't think your response really answers the question. You talk about your commitments, but it's all very vague, and I didn't come away with it with 'a more complete picture of you as an individual', which is what they're after. My suggestion would be to be more specific and open up about your when your 'world finally crashed'. Don't just give them that you want to 'better mankind', but tell them why you wan't to do that and relate it to your experiences.

Also, try getting rid of repetition like '... my world finally crashed, my world finally crashed and with it crumbled the barrier that perpetuated my solitude'. It just makes it seem too flowery and doesn't add anything new (which is important, since I'm guessing you're working to a word count). Plus I find it really irritating. Maybe whoever's reading your essay will too.

I think if you make it more personal and far less vague, and tone down the dramatic writing a little bit, you'll have yourself a pretty good essay. Good luck with it.

Jester831 · 10-27-2008, 10:34 PM

I'm somewhat scared that if I get into the specifics it would be somewhat overwhelming and require too much of an explanation to be worthwhile. In short, my mom was illegally jailed, we were almost bankrupted, my brother went crazy, I had to work with the business, my grades got raped and the court declared that they cannot 'guarantee our civil rights'. Appealing to the supreme court now. If I added that in there it would require pages upon pages to rightfully explain. Do you think I could just get away with saying my mom was illegally jailed without an explanation or no?

Ben · 10-27-2008, 10:44 PM

Just give them the short version of it, then. That sounds pretty rough to go through, but I'd never have guessed that's what you meant by your world crumbling just by reading your essay. If you cut out the flowery stuff (say, for example, pretty much all of the first paragraph), you could delve right into it. Have a small intro which outlines your commitments & perspectives, then talk about your experiences and relate them back to your commitment to study etc. There's obviously a lot you'd want to say about what you went through, but I think it's more important to focus on the effect these experiences had on you.

You've got more than enough to write about. I'm sure you squeeze it down to a few hundred words.

Olly Buckle · 10-28-2008, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jester831

K, thx. How's the second draft then?

Journey
Growing up in the wake of my families civil rights activism, in the wake of being ostracized from our home in Steamboat,you mean driven from your home by ostacism I started out my new life in Wisconsin lost in turmoil: every thought anticipating my desolation, every thought questioning You can'thave it both ways lose the second "every thought" and replace it with "and" whether or not if lose the "if" or the "whether or not" one is redundant we were going to make it, constantly wondering if the family would fall apart or if this is not an either or situation, comma or and the business would be lost. In those days my reality was like a glass sphere: fragile and empty – an emotional void satiated only by the mere nothing slight about instinctual yearning leave it out or find another word instinctual yearning to live on.

It was in this period that something truly lose it amazing happened; my world finally crashed, my world finally lose it crashed and with it crumbled lose it the barrier that perpetuated my solitude. It was strange, despite my ruin I felt a sense of liberation I felt strangely liberated: for the first time in years I was inopen, the emotional void that sustained lose it my delusions had collapsed and with it lose it my heart began once again lose it to beat again. For so long I had allowed a sense of misery to resonate within me, wallowing in my own self-pity tautology, I had allowed myself to wallow in my self pity – ignorant of all lose it those I had cast away for some a meaningless sense of self-sacrifice.
From now on I am just going to blue the excess verbiage that adds no meaning
I wanted to bear the weight of the world on my shoulders, to conceal my burdens and protect others from the sadness I felt. And as I couldn’t, as the wall came crashing down, all that misery that had long reverberated within suddenly dissipated and I began to remember you can't begin to remember "I remembered" all that I cherished, all that I and held dear held dear. It was this clarity; this sense of knowing of what I loved in life and knowing that life will always move on, that redeemed my spirits. Despite all the adversity I faced, I drew happiness from the love of others, the love of my family, my love of the world and in knowing that, despite the hardships faced, our struggle is to better humanity. It was from this revelation that my heart bore came a simple resolve to always take the high road, to remain virtuous and to always hold close that which I cherish. And so I set out on the lifelong task of bettering myself and bettering humanity.

It’s been a decade now that we’ve been fighting and looking back, we’ve had dozens of opportunities to back down, to end the hardship and live in simplicity simply. So many times, we’ve had the chance to and put everything behind us and absolve ourselves of the burdens we carry. But Rather than despising all that I’ve had to endure, I’m actually somewhat grateful for it. From it bore a sense of pride – pride in the fact that we didn’t stand idly by waiting for others to stand up, pride in the fact that we never succumbed to our woes. And from it we bore a sense of inner happiness – it is as though my soul is liberated by the sense of clarity, the sense of knowing what matters I achieved. knowing we achieved what mattered

Now, at the verge on the brink of my life’s direction, that clarity remains – while full stop, new sentence I do not know how, but I have made my resolved to change the world, to and better mankind. I do not intend to go to college to simply declare a major and fall into works predestined paths, but rather to better myself and expand my potential to do great things. I intend to prepare myself, hone my skills, and harden my resolve so that I may have the strength to become the harbinger of a new mankind, so that I may start a revolution through in their hearts.

Remember, say something simply and clearly once, people will listen to you; too much emphasis and they switch off.
Losing all that will give you the opportunity to say what happened, remember to keep it simple.
E.G.
Mum stood up for what was right and they threw her in prison for it.
Not
My mother took an ideological stand against the injustices she saw happening and was incarcerated in a place of detention for her committed attitude.
Look carefully and you will see there is no extra meaning in the second example, just extra words.

kidstaple · 10-28-2008, 07:22 PM

Everyone has got it right. I think the only thing I can add to this is simply: take it easy with this thing. Pretend it's just another writing assignment for a high school class.

Think of it this way: If you had to write something like this for high school, and the day comes when you have to turn it in, is your teacher going to read through it and think, "hey, they're using big words, they must know what they're doing, even if they never really answered my question." Or, are they going to completely trash it because they know that you tried to hard and overshot the goal laid in front of you since day one?

Just something to think about, hope it helps.

~Rodney

Olly Buckle · 10-30-2008, 12:46 AM

Forgot to add-"and good luck with it all, hope lfe goes the way you are seeing it", Olly.

sylvia.cheers · 10-31-2008, 06:49 PM

I'm sorry to say this but I didn't like it at all. It felt like the whole point of the piece was to show off out of a misguided sense of what writing should be. There seemed to be very little substance, and in my opinion, that is the most important thing. As for real points, there aren't very many. Why do you want to go to college? (To better mankind, yes, anything else?). What can you offer them? What is your opinion of education and its role in the betterment of mankind? Why have you chosen your major? In what way would you like to contribute to society? Now, these are things a candidate assessment person might be interested in knowing.

Sorry if I'm sounding critical. I'm just sure that you can do a lot better if you think less of the form and more of the substance.

Best of luck

Sylvia

Wintermute · 10-31-2008, 07:35 PM

My main gripe with this is that I don't think you're writing in your own voice. I think you're just trying to impress the University. You will not impress them with the style of your words, but you will impress them with the impact of your words.

You didn't answer any of the questions. The entire passage reads like an introspective creative writing exercise where you were given a list of $5 words to incorporate into the prose.

Just tell it like it is. Don't try to show off. Be truthful. Honest.

Olly Buckle · 11-01-2008, 03:17 PM

Sylvia cheers puts it very well and Wintermute's comment about $5 words is on the button too. There was an article on the front page of aN English newspaper about the American election today that told me a black kid dropping out of high school was 60 times more likely to end up in prison than one with a Batchelor degree. I don't suppose it's quite so high if you are white or that you are an early drop out but it is a good indication of the difference a decent education makes to your chances of having an impact on the world. Take us seriously, lose all that blue and get some more information in there.