CHAPTER 1 - A NEW AWAKENING part 2 - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Annanan1 · 10-26-2008, 07:03 AM

I do not have a novel title yet but this is the opening chapter. if someone copuld take a look let me know what you think.

this is the second part as the whole thing would not fit on one post.

Ta

Arthur lay clutching his stomach. He was writhing about and looked as pale as a linen sheet.
“I don’t feel so good Mama” he complained as Emalia placed her slender hand on his forehead. “Maybe I should give church a miss today” he offered.
“Maybe you should at that” the woman agreed. “I imagine you’ll be forgiven for not attending if your ill” she added. “And I’ll have Mrs. Hogget call Dr. Korn”
“It’s just an upset stomarch Mama no need to waste the good doctors time, I suspect that its something that I have eaten, I’ll just sleep for a few hours then I am sure I’ll feel better.” Arthur said suddenly concerened that the plan wasn’t going to work.
“Very well” his mother said “But if you are still in this much pain when we get back from church I am having the doctor take a look at you, do you hear?”
“Yes Mama” Arthur muttered as painfully as he could manage.
“ Get some sleep” Emelia Ford order and she left the room pulling the door shut behind her.
As soon as his mother had left the room Arthur pulled his shirt on. He was already half dressed under the blankets. He wasn’t going very far and it was a warm spring moring so he decided to dispense with a jacket and tie. Through a slit in his currents he watched the family leaving for church as the carriage left the short driveway and turned left into Blue Water Road, Arthur dashed out of his bedroom and down the back staircase that the servents used to the backdoor, where a quick survey told him that Thomas the butler, the cook, and the elderly Mrs Hogget were otherwise occupied. He knew that none of the younger, less senior servents would dare challenge him, as he made a careful and quite way out of the back door and into the garden. He crossed the length of the lawn and out of a gate which lead to the fields beyond, along the short section of path that ajoined the backs of the dwellings between The Gables and Rose Cottage where Ellen, lived with her mother and sisters. Hesitetly he pushed the gate open and tentivily made his way across another lawn and too the back door of Ellen’s house. It was a known fact to Arthur that the widow Cranmore insited that her servents always took Sunday mornig mass with her and the family, for the good of fostering relationships, and the goodness of their souls, so he would not be running into anyone as he climbed the stairs to Ellen’s room.

Ellen was waiting in her bed for him, she smiled. “You made it then” she said brightly as he pulled at the laces of his shoes and kicked them off. Minutes he crawled under the clovers and into Ellen’s waiting arms. Their lovemaking was less frantic than it had been a fortnigh before, but they had little time and soon Arthur found an ardent erutption consuming him.
They lay quietly together exchanging loving words for a while, then Arthur dressed and left, with a promise that he would come visit her again as soon as they could contrive another plan to get some time alone.

He was back in his own bed and snoring lightly as his brother on Emelia’s instruction poked his head around the door. Satified that the exhausted Arthur was safely sleeping Jimmy ducked out of his brothers room and closed the door behind him.

SparkyLT · 10-31-2008, 09:03 PM

Red = errors
Purple = my thoughts

Quote:

Originally Posted by Annanan1

Arthur lay clutching his stomach. He was writhing about and looked as pale as a linen sheet. (You don't need to say 'looked'. Just say that he was as pale as a linen sheet.)
“I don’t feel so good Mama” he complained as Emalia placed her slender hand on his forehead. “Maybe I should give church a miss today” he offered.
“Maybe you should at that” the woman agreed. “I imagine you’ll be forgiven for not attending if you're ill” she added. “And I’ll have Mrs. Hogget call Dr. Korn”
“It’s just an upset stomarch Mama no need to waste the good doctors time, I suspect that its something that I have eaten, I’ll just sleep for a few hours then I am sure I’ll feel better.” Arthur said, suddenly concerned that the plan wasn’t going to work.
“Very well” his mother said “But if you are still in this much pain when we get back from church I am having the doctor take a look at you, do you hear?”
“Yes Mama” Arthur muttered, as painfully as he could manage.
“ Get some sleep” Emelia Ford ordered and (I would make this 'as') she left the room, pulling the door shut behind her.
As soon as his mother had left the room, Arthur pulled his shirt on. He was already half-dressed under the blankets. He wasn’t going very far and it was a warm spring moring so he decided to dispense with a jacket and tie. Through a slit in his currents (you mean 'curtains', right?) he watched the family leaving for church. As the carriage left the short driveway and turned left into Blue Water Road, Arthur dashed out of his bedroom and down the back staircase that the servents used to the back door, where a quick survey told him that Thomas the butler, the cook, and the elderly Mrs Hogget were otherwise occupied (run-on sentence). He knew that none of the younger, less senior (you don't need 'younger' and 'less senior'; they mean the same thing here, correct?) servents would dare challenge him, as he made a careful and quite way out of the back door and into the garden. He crossed the length of the lawn and out of a gate which lead to the fields beyond, along the short section of path that ajoined the backs of the dwellings between The Gables and Rose Cottage where Ellen, (< kill this comma) lived with her mother and sisters. Hesitantly he pushed the gate open and tentively made his way across another lawn and to the back door of Ellen’s house. It was a known fact to Arthur that the widow Cranmore insited that her servents always took Sunday mornig mass with her and the family, for the good of fostering relationships, and the goodness of their souls, so he would not be running into anyone as he climbed the stairs to Ellen’s room.

Ellen was waiting in her bed for him, she smiled (These two phrases have nothing to do with each other. I would get rid of 'she smiled'). “You made it then” she said brightly as he pulled at the laces of his shoes and kicked them off. Minutes (here, you should add 'later') he crawled under the clovers and into Ellen’s waiting arms. Their lovemaking was less frantic than it had been a fortnight before, but they had little time and soon Arthur found an ardent eruption consuming him.
They lay quietly together exchanging loving words for a while, then Arthur dressed and left, with a promise that he would come visit her again as soon as they could contrive another plan to get some time alone.

He was back in his own bed and snoring lightly as his brother, on Emelia’s instruction, poked his head around the door. Satified that the exhausted Arthur was safely sleeping, Jimmy ducked out of his brother's room and closed the door behind him.

To be perfectly honest, the only thing that kept me reading this was my sense of wanting to finish what I start. Nothing about the plot is particularly remarkable (though that is excusable, because this is, after all, only a sample), and the style of the writing is amatuerish. I would advise you to read more, so that you can see the proper ways to structure a sentence, and read your own work aloud, which will help you catch places where there should be commas and sentence breaks. There were several spelling errors here as well; run your work through a word processor before you post it to find them and some grammatical problems.

I don't intend to be insulting, I'm just telling you how I see it. If you think I'm wrong, feel free to believe that.