Annanan1

I do not have a novel title yet but this is the opening chapter. if someone copuld take a look let me know what you think.

Ta





The early morning mist had blown off and the promise of a hot day beckoned, as Arthur helped Ellen over the style and down into farmer Patton’s corn field. Her skirts rustled as she hiked her leg up to clear the wooden beam. Arthur smiled awkardly as he caught the briefest glimpse of her drawers. For some reason the sight fascinated him and even after she was firmly down on the ground and brushing dry mud from her dress, he had to fight to shake the image from his mind.
She was a few months older than Arthur, but despite this they had become firm friends from the moment that they had meet at the age of five when Colonel and Mrs Cranmore had moved into the house next door with their three daughters and Arthur had rapidly become an excepted guest at Rosewood Cottage.
Over the years the pair had grown almost inseparable, to the joy of Arthur’s father, who was delighted that is son at last had a playmate.
Arthur the second of four children had always been a shy boy and a never really formed any firm friendships of his own, except for Ellen and Francis was more than glad that he at least had someone to play with. The fact that she was a girl never seemed to concern anyone, least of all Arthur.
The years had slipped by and both Arthur and Ellen had grown, but yet the truest friendship that either of them had ever had never seemed to dwindle, in fact it seemed to become stronger if anything as the years went by. Now over eleven years later it was stronger than ever and even though they were now both well on the path to adulthood, the childlike innocence with which they still seemed to enjoy being with each other convinced both sets of parents to put off separating them for a while longer yet.

“Where are we going?” Ellen stood with her hands on her hips looking directly at her companion.
“I already told you” The youth announced brightly “For a picnic”
“Yes but where?”
“To the lake” Arthur announced picking up the basket of food that Ellen had brought. He carried another basket. It had long been their custom when going on an impromptu picnic to both raid their respective pantries and pool together whatever food they could persuade the cooks to part with. Arthur’s contributions were always over generous as Mrs Trammper seemed set on indulging the masters young son whenever he came asking for donations to his picnic and it was usually crammed with more than enough food for both of them, but Ellen insisted on bringing food as well, so the end result was that they more often not had enough food to feed themselves and half the village as well. The baskets were heavy as usual and the walked slowly, Arthur carrying both the baskets and Ellen carrying a parasol in one hand and a blanket draped across the other.
“I am not really dressed for crossing the river Arty” she complained. She did that a lot now and it vexed Arthur. In all the years they had been friends they had rarely had a cross word for each other, but now that had changed and lately they squabbled like brother and sister over the silliest things.
“You could take off your dress” Arthur teased. The look that Ellen gave him was full of venom.
“It was a joke” he clarified feeling suddenly uncomfortable with what he had just suggested. “Gees, what’s got to you?” he asked.
“I don’t know what you are talking about?” Ellen replied as the walked on, brushing the corn out of the way as they skirted the field.
“If you didn’t want to go on a picnic, you should have said” Arthur stated touching her lightly on the arm. “I mean if you think you are too old for picnics or something”
“You are never too old for picnics Arty, it’s just that…”
“You don’t want to be with me? Is that it?”
She tried to reassure Arthur but he saw the look in her eyes.
“Why?” he asked.
“Oh I don’t know Arty” she replied “It just doesn’t feel right being alone out here with you like this anymore”
“Well it bothers me now” she snapped “Maybe we should just go home; we can have tea at my place instead”
“I want to have a picnic” the youngster stated firmly “Please Ellen”
Ellen stopped and looked at her friend. He was growing tall and broad, his eye blues that she so well flickered with confusion as he pleaded to her.
“I just don’t think that we should do this anymore Arty” she said
“Why? Are we not friends anymore?” the young man questioned desperately.
“Of course we are, but I am a girl, I mean a woman and you are a…. What are you Arthur?”
“What?”
“Well you are not exactly a little boy anymore…..” she said trailing off into silence. After a while she spoke again “Are you changing too?” she asked.
Arthur regarded the question uneasily for a second or two then answered; “Yes” he whispered.
“And you still want to be with me?” she asked looking as embarrassed as he did.
“Of course” he replied “I want to be with you more than ever” he smiled.
“I don’t understand you one little bit anymore” Ellen said laughing for a while “Still I suppose we have brought all the stuff, we might as well eat it” Arthur nodded and grinned as they walked on.
They reached the river. The spring rains had swelled it considerably. Arthur took the blanket from Ellen then lifted the baskets to prevent them from getting wet and started off across the stepping stones that still protruded above the water.
“Come on” Arthur called “or it’ll be dark before we even get there”
Ellen lifted up her skirts a little and holding tightly onto her parasol she hopped a little way onto the first stepping stone, then the second and so one. They had crossed the river at this point more times than either of them cared to remember over the years and both were familiar with the stepping stones, so Ellen was soon out in the middle of the river.
She let her mind wander as she toddled from one stone to the next. If Arthur’s feelings for her were still strong, then so too were her feelings for him. Yet at the same time something about there relationship felt different. It had all changed the a few weeks before she knew when Arthur for some unknown reason had kissed her one afternoon. It had been only a brief kiss, not like the pecks on the cheek of their earlier years, but this had been a real adult like kiss on her lips and it had intrigued her. That had been Easter Monday she recalled, Arthur had been very embarrassed afterwards and had never done it again since, but something inside of her wished with an odd passion that he would.

Arthur was thinking about that day too. He wished so much that it had never happened, things had not been the same between he and Ellen since that day and he regretted doing it, as much because ever since then he longed ever time they were together to kiss her again, but the look on her face that afternoon was enough to persuade him that that was really not a good idea.
He put the baskets and the blanket down on grass and looked back to see were Ellen had got to. He saw that she was at the spot where the stones were furthest apart “the tricky spot” they called it. Where one had to jump in a most unladylike manner from one stone to the other, this was fine for Arthur and up until recently would not have bothered Ellen one little bit, but she was different now. Now she worried about him seeing her drawers and silly stuff like that and as much as he had developed a curious longing to catch the occasion glimpse of her underwear of late, he was slowly growing accustom to the new more straitlaced Ellen.
Suddenly Ellen propelled her parasol onto the bank, with such force behind it that it nearly caught Arthur on the head as he bent to pick up the baskets, the pink dart sailed on passed him and dropped to the ground a couple of feet away and lay nonciently with its pink lace fluttering in the gentle afternoon breeze.
“Sorry” she called unsure of whether Arthur could hear her, and then she made the leap for the next stone, unwilling to hoist her skirt up about her waist as she would have done previously. The gentle pink fabric caught itself around her ankles as she jumped causing her to miss her footing as she landed and topple unseemly.
“Arthur!” she yelled as she went under the frothy water. Within seconds Arthur was had dropped the basket and was wading through the water to her rescue. His strong arms reached in hauled out and at that moment she was glad that Arthur was growing so fast. He heaved her over his shoulders and with an enormous amount of effort he fought his way against the current that eddied about the stones and made his way to the bank, where he slumped down and deposited his precious burden on the ground before collapsing with exhaustion next to her.
The pair of them lay still for a few long moments, the silence only interrupted by the sound of the river and distant animal calls, and Arthur’s heavy laboured breathing. Eventually the youngster regained his wind and said;
“Are you all right?” Ellen nodded that she was and Arthur scrambled to his knees, and then offered her a hand to get up. She stood dripping in front of him.
“You are soaked” he stated brushing a strand of wet hair out of her face.
“So are you” she observed. Arthur looked down at his clothing he was wet through.
“Take your dress off” he ordered as he started to remove some of his own clothing. Ellen gave him a hard look.
“You are drenched Elle. You know what your chest is like you’ll catch your death of cold. No other reason” he added trying to reassure her that he only had her best interest at heart. Still a little unconvinced by the nature in which he had made the suggestion, she started to loosen the ties on her dress.
“I’ll get some wood, we can have a fire, see if can’t dry these clothes out somewhat.” He suggested “I hate to think of what your mother will say about this and as for me, well Jimmy is home from Cambridge; my dear brother misses little and I have no desire to endure his heckling if I go home wringing wet.”
“Ok” Ellen replied looking up briefly from her disrobing. Arthur was stood in his vest and privies, looking at the ground around him. A few moments later having picked up a twig or two he made off towards a copse of trees about twenty feet from where Ellen now stood in her underwear, wringing water from her skirt.

The fire crackled as they, having decided to have their picnic there beneath the small outcrop of trees, laid their wares out for the other to try. Arthur reached into his basket for the last time and smiled and raised his eyebrows playfully as he produced a bottle of fine red wine, and two glasses.
“Arthur!” Ellen gasped in surprise.
“I swiped from Papa’s wine cellar” he said. Contrary to the youngsters fears she looked amused by the idea. “Shush” he said putting a finger to his lips “What ever you do don’t tell Mama, she fit would have a fit”
Emalia Ford was a staunch advocate of temperance and although she had had very little success thus far in convincing her husband or even their grown up son James of what they may or may not consume with their dinner, she would positively get the vapours if she know that her little Arty as she regarded him was at that point busily working his way through the contents of a bottle of wine, with a pretty girl, in his nothing but his underwear.
The sun was starting to get low as Arthur trickled the last drips of wine into his and Ellen’s glasses. Ellen giggled as they clinked their glasses together nosily and both down what were left of the wine. It was thick and heady and had gone down exceedingly fast.
Arthur’s father sometimes let his sixteen year old son join himself and James for brandy or wine in the drawing room at Christmas or when they had house guests, and though Francis was far from a killjoy and indeed prided himself on being open minded and modern, even he know only too well that Arthur was very young and that he should not be encouraged to indulge in such habits, so Arthur was allowed one glass only on those occasions, before he was sent packing to bed. So neither one of them had drunk that much in go before and they both beamed merrily at each other as the warm liquor went to their heads.
Ellen got to her knees with the claim that she was going to check whether their clothing was dry but she could not get to her feet, Arthur said he would do it and she should stay but having got to his feet, with his head reeling he suddenly sat back down onto his butt his thump. They sat looking at each both indignantly for some time, neither wishing to shame themselves with another failed attempt to get to their feet again. Their eyes meet.
The fire light flashed off of Ellen’s auburn hair and Arthur was suddenly mesmerised by her. In all the years they had been friends he never realised until then just how beautiful she was. At that moment something happened to Arthur, something he could not explain and suddenly he was taken up by a fundamental and primitive longing that coursed through him. He reached over to Ellen and without another thought to what he was doing he pulled her close and kissed her.
This time she didn’t push him away after a moment like the last time, but allowed him to grow even more passionate with his advances as his hands started to wonder to places that they had never been.
After a time Arthur could feel sensations that were, he was ashamed to admit even to himself, not wholly unfamiliar, starting to bubble within him. He had had this dream many times, over the last couple of years and his body certainly know what to do in response. Ellen too was answering his exploring hands with an inquisitive almost causious survey of her own.
Arthur smiled as he broke away from her lips long enough to whisper;
“Is this ok?” in her ear. She nodded and backed up a little so that she could remove her camisole and reveal a pair of perfect round breasts to him, Arthur swallowed hard aware that he was going rigid with anticipation. Quickly he removed his vest and they came back together skin to skin as Arthur gently eased Ellen to the blanket and they resumed their kissing.

In the orange glow of fire light two bodies moved together, in a hurried and unpractised frenzy. Arthur breathed heavily as he plunged onwards, hurtling with a simple, unsullied gusto towards the ultimate end. A few minuets later he was murmuring an inescapable certainty in Ellen’s ear. Then suddenly his new found feelings for her erupted from deep within him with such intensity that he had to fight hard to keep control of himself. With a loud groan he collapsed on top of her. They lay locked together in this manner for sometime as Arthur no longer possed the strength to move.
“Arty I can’t breath” she said when is breathing had slowed back to almost normal. With an apologetic “Sorry” he rolled off of her. She sidled around to where Arthur now lay and burrowed in close to him pulling the blanket up around them as she did.
“Arty…..” Ellen mused “Do you suppose anyone else has discovered what we just did.”
“Huum…I don’t know” Arthur replied nuzzling closer “Someone must of I suppose …I can’t imagine anything that feels that good going undiscovered for long” Ellen smiled at his reply and they kissed again.
“What say we do that again?” Arthur asked.
“We could, but it is getting dark now, my mother is going to have your gizzards keeping me out this long as it is. I think the clothes should be dry now.” Arthur looked disappointed. “Maybe another time Arty” she said coolly.
They started to dress.
“Soon, really soon” Arthur added embracing her as they kissed again as he pulled his trousers on.


* * *

Ilasir Maroa

Two thoughts first... you shouldn't post two such long sections so close together. The character limit is there to encourage digestible excerpts. Second, please use a bigger font; this is very hard on the eyes. I'd love to come back when my corneas aren't in peril.

__________________
My hopeful book: Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!

www.theoddvillepress.com

All lines are arbitrary; otherwise, we wouldn't have to draw them. ~Nicholas Vesiri

Annanan1

sorry about that i want to get the chapter in and could not find a more appropriate place to divid it. Sorry about the font size, that was how it came out and i did not know how to change it. I worked it now. Hope this is better for everyone. Thanks

dilkara

hm..
Initially it's the type of thing that would interest me. I'm a bit of a sap for historical romance. Especially if I'm feeling glum.

There are a lot of errors in this, so I think it could do with a read through and edit. I think a bit more research on your time period would help it too, it would help to clearly define the era for the reader. You've got some nice details and tone in there, but you slip out of it now and then. There are also things that don't fit with the dialogue. For example I don't think an edwardian would ever have said 'jeez'.

I was dissapointed that is degenerated into (imo rather unrealistic) sex so soon, especially if you're intending it to be a novel... the best thing about romance is the will they wont they part. So I think if that needs to be a part of it, hold off on it. Let us get to know the characters relationship better first. tbh I did skim that part. I'm not a prude particularly but it all seemed very forced.

Good luck with the rest.

Ilasir Maroa

I have to agree with Dilkara that there were several grammar, syntax, and spelling errors. I think you could catch most of them on spellcheck or with a nice slow edit.

I also have to agree that the move to sex in the first chapter was pretty quick. And then you skimped over it with nary a note. I'm not an expert in the Edwardian era, but I'm a little miffed by the attitude towards sex of the characters. It seems a bit overly open. Also, I would note that that near-final exchange about "discovery" struck me as a little naive. Especially as their "thoughts" implied they knew pretty much what was going on.

The pacing of this story seems a bit fast. We've moved from a bit of background/preperatory to picnic, straight to sex. Was there even a picnic? I think you might want to introduce the characters a little more before taking off their clothes.

__________________
My hopeful book: Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!

www.theoddvillepress.com

All lines are arbitrary; otherwise, we wouldn't have to draw them. ~Nicholas Vesiri

Annanan1

Thanks. Good points that you made.

Just to let you know the reason why this happens so quickly is because this is from what the rest of the story stems or rather from the results of this liaison. maybe i could put in a chapter or two before to expand the charecters i am inclined to belive that maybe it is a bit soon, but it needs to happen pretty early on.

Also I am not sure whether i have demonstrated this too well or not, but they are both supposed to be innocent, really innocent. They both still believe that babies come from stalks, cos no one has told them any diffrerent, but at the same time there is instinct driving the whole thing on and in the end they give into this.

Wendy