C.Gholy

So this is a start to a story. The idea's been in my head for a while but I'm not so good at openings.

The land of the dead was identical to the the land of the living, apart from its obvious differences. The souls remained themselves whilst day and night was replaced by a dark grey atmosphere. The corpses, spirits, vampires and all the deceased spent their time here. The marks of their death still lurking on them and gained the ability to reflect on their life. Along with many of these homeless souls was a man, who sliced himself to be with his wife. He had never regretted the suicide and felt after all the heartache through his life as a widowed man, it was worth every last drop of blood. That man was known as Crick.

Crick Gimsparnist followed his wife into the noisy atmosphere inside his local bar. His crisp blonde hair covered in bleach stood out to his dirty raggy clothes. His pale skin dangled around the dark bones on his skin. He was shaking his way to the bar. Crick's rotting teeth smiled at the plump landlord. “Evening Donald,” Crick croaked in a high pitched croaky voice resembling a strangled frog.

“All right there Crick?” Donald waved his hand as he patted Crick's bleached locks. “What can I get you for this evening?”
“I shall have a pint of organ splash please.”
“Coming right up Crickie!” Donald's thumbs faced the ceiling as he pulled the barrel.

Crick fondled his spouse, his chin rested against her face. Anna Gimsparnist was his dearly precious wife; she was better known as Armless Anna, because her arms were sliced off before her death. Crick held his pint in his hands as he stood with a posture to show his pride. His cup was held high above his face and tangled his spare fingers in Anna's long drained curls. “You seem to have had such a wet death I must say.”

“Crick,” Anna sighed, “Did you even know how I died?”
“Well,” Crick replied, “I know you arms were sliced off before your afterlife.”
“For your information,” Anna told Crick in a direct tone, “my death bed was in the rocky bed of the canal! You can say your death was a peaceful one, but mine was painful. Do you have any feelings for me?”
“Annie dearest,” Crick petted her shoulder, speaking in a compassionate tone. “You know I ended my life to be reunited with you sweetie.”
“I see,” Anna sighed again watching Crick as he drank. She despised his drinking habits with a passion. If there was one thing that Anna had learned in the afterlife was that her husband was never going to leave her alone. “I thought death would separate you from me.”

Crick almost spat his drink out. His hands collapsed onto the bar as shook his head. “Death do us part!” he roared with disgust. “I don't believe in that nonsense, love lasts forever, even in death.” He moved closer to her ear, “That very day I married you, I was determined to make it last for all time.” Anna gulped as she felt his breath along with his words oozing into her brain. “We're stuck with each other and don't it feel good?”
“Yes,” Anna gulped, her body was trapped by aggressive fingers. Crick brought his lips onto hers and pressed them against each other. “You sit down,” she requested pulling Crick off her as gentle as possible, “I'll be right back.” Anna stormed off to the door trying to hide her embarrassment.

“Where are going?” Crick asked leaping to his feet.
“Just going out for a walk,” Anna said without even facing him, “You go and have your pint.”

Notes:I was thinking of changing Anna's name to Arabella because I think Armless Arabella has more of a flow. Armless Anna seems a bit too choppy and bland.

Gimsparnist - I got this surname from jumbling up Missing part

Also untitled as of now, but I've considered it to be between :
* Bliss of the afterlife
* During Death
* Afterlife bliss

So any feedback, suggestion and crits are welcome.

Cheers for taking the time to read.
~ Chloe

__________________

Thanks Cyn
My webpage

SparkyLT

I think you have an interesting idea here, but you still need practice as a writer. It'll probably just take time, but some advice I can give you is to write like you talk. That should make it seem more natural and less forced. Of course, that might also sometimes make it long and ramble-y, but that's why we edit

C.Gholy

Thanks for the input. I've edited the nits you've had. For the jungle like, I originally intended to make it look as if it was loud and noisy.

Drained, I used that to like show that Anna drowned and add to her poor views of Crick.

__________________

Thanks Cyn
My webpage

Yustynn

Seems quite good, but personally it looks a bit rushed into the conversation about Anna's death. There's no small talk before. Unless she's obsessed about her death and always talks about it first?

C.Gholy

Thank you for your view. The obsession part was there just to show Crick's obsession with Anna and how aggravated she is of her husband.

__________________

Thanks Cyn
My webpage