Subtext

Greetings all. My name is Subtext and I am new here. I have read four peices today and commented on three of them.

This is a little piece I wrote about a friend's wedding. My friend got married and had a house guest in the days leading up to the big day and what he told me about the whole thing was so crazy I asked for his permission to fictionalize it for my own uses.

The piece is 3000 words long. I hope you enjoy it. I am good about being critiqued. I would like to become a better writer and I won't be able to do that unless you guys and gals really let me have it, so fire away!

The story is written in three parts- Alan, Dhalia, and Vinnie.

Subtext

Subtext

alanmt

I like it, subtext. I had difficulty with the pov shift between the first and second pieces. I have more comments, but am at work right now, so hopefully later.

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Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum europe vincendarum

WriterJohnB

Sorry, but I couldn't get into it and only skimmed the last half to see if you were going to actually include a plot. I also had problems knowing who was who, and didn't care to find out. First person is hard to pull off anyway, and to have three characters in first person made me want to scream "Who are these people, anyway?"

JohnB

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http://www.johnbushore.com

Subtext

Thank you both.

JohnB, I respect your opinion. I tried to build the plot out of the three viewpoints and it looks like I may not have been as successfull as I would have liked to be. I still think that there are two plots: Vin's regression from angry young adult to petulant child and Alan's growth from angry young adult to a man who is sensible and works with the community to fix the communities' problems as opposed to waging immature little "wars". Dhalia represents the person who doesn't understand the anger that people like Alan and Vin have but does have a mind that is open to understanding these issues.

Do you have any ideas how I can make that more clear with my writing?

AlanMT, I hope you get time to post your comments that work prevents you from posting. I'd like to know what did and didn't work for you.

Peace,

Subtext

lin

souped-up car

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Mithras

I lost track of who was who throughout the read, but the dialogue was solid, realistic, and so on.

Well, to answer your question you asked JohnB/AlanMT, I would basically slow it down a bit, maybe introducing the MC's in an different way, one at a time instead of all at once. Of course there are other ways, they just haven't passed my mind yet.

Mithras

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Lacking: Morality, Compassion, Mercy.

Subtext

Thanks mithras and lin.

Peace to everyone who read it. I am going to make some changes.