Mithras

On this cold December night, the moon glared down, red and ominous in its glow, upon the villagers of Thunburg. To a man standing at a crowded street corner, the third moon appeared grotesque, taking upon itself the semblance of a plagued eye looming over them.

In the center square of town, upon a wooden platform surrounded by the morbidly curious peasantry, stood a man in a clean white open robe, overlaying a crimson red undershirt and brown trousers. He paced about in a pair of worn black boots muddy from the nightly rain. His wrinkled face suggested years of stress and age and frozen in the form of a suspicious and hateful mask, something that had grown with him through his service. The old man seemed in a hurry as he walked about the platform, as if time itself awaited his judgement.

He seemed suddenly decided as he paused, and pointed to his right, at a man upon the stretching rack, ignoring the poor fellow's constant screams in the line of duty. The wiry interrogator took a deep breath and shouted to the crowd in a surprisingly strong voice,

"Do you know who this man is?"

To which they replied with silence, in turn speaking volumes to him. As he stared out to the crowd, their emotionless faces reflected back upon him by the torches they were carrying in their hands. 'Good.', he thought, rubbing his thin and wiry hands together to keep himself warm. 'Let the people see that none escape the judgement of the Faith, the judgement of the Angelet'.

The interrogator stepped forward to a table, ornamented with his instruments of the Faith, picking up a scalpel. 'No', he corrected himself, 'This is consecrated metal, made to cut through sin as the Light of the Faith slices deep into the darkness'.

In theory, the Philosophy of the Faith dictated that the removal of all internal organs of the torso is necessary for the purification of the human mind and soul. Thus the interrogator began the harrowing task of cleansing this tainted host.

"Those pompous council members will wait...", he muttered, "I still have much work to do..."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You know what the sign says", Marcus declared loudly as he tapped at the poster on the wall,

"I have the right to refuse service to whomever I please!"

"As soldiers of the Faith, loyal servants of the Monarch, we demand service!", responded the leader of the group in a more irritated manner, a large brute with a thick long mane of hair to his shoulders. "The other option will be a forced commandeering of property!"

In a quick motion, Marcus pulls out a large rifle and aims it menacingly.

"I've had about enough of this!" Marcus shouted, "Get out of my shop!"

The brute gave a menacing grin, yellow teeth baring against the light of the lantern in his hands,

"Well then, the garrison captain will just have to hear about this, won't he, lads?", and knocked over a stack of objects making his way for the door, cronies in tow.

As Marcus proceeded to collect the strewn objects upon the floor, he could see the flicker of light outside of the nearby window. 'What could be happening outside at this hour?' he pondered to himself as he picked up a broken stone mould from the mahogany floor. Removing his smelting apron, he stepped outside and breathed in the crisp, cold air.

Upon the road of cobblestone leading to the center square, a procession of people trudged with lanterns and torches, despite the bite of the chilling wind. Stepping to a shorter man with an unruly crop of brown hair, Marcus pulled him aside and quickly uttered,

"What is happening?", to which he replied:

"None ya business, suh, now if ya be mindin', I makin my way to the purgin to pay mah respects to the Angelet...' ", and with a shove he made his way back in pace.








I've posted the first part before, but I'd really like a little more advice on it so here it is again.

lin

wa

tch your tense

Look at that phrase again

It is "this" or past tense... you need to choose.
Also falls odd to the ear

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Mithras

Thank you for taking the time.

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Lacking: Morality, Compassion, Mercy.

alanmt

Interesting beginning, but needs a little work. The initial sentences are too long - there are two many ideas in them. Break them up a bit.

That's a quick example, although you could get three or four good sentences out of the ideas in the one you had.

Watch your commas, and go back through and see if you need them all. Using too many commas is one of my big problems; I always have to edit a bunch out.

one too many commas:
okay:
also okay:
as Lin said, watch your tenses - go through to make sure your verbs don't end in s, since most of it is past tense.

Also some details were a little confusing. Was the man wearing an undershort over his white clothes, or could bits of red be glimpsed under the white or a his collar and sleeves?

I would like to know what the objects are that get knocked over.

The plot beginning held my attention and made me curious. But the sentence structure does need to be cleaned up a bit.

nice piece; should be vg with a little revision.

Alan

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Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum europe vincendarum

Mithras

Thanks, Alan, I've taken your advice right away, while I am still working on what Marcus is up to.

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Lacking: Morality, Compassion, Mercy.

Subtext

I liked the begining most, but as already mentioned please watch your tenses.

I like how you described the brute in the second part, especially his teeth. In the first part you went a bit, only a bit, overboard on describing the clothes of the condemned but not what his facial expression was like (other than his pacing, which reveals his nervousness but could be fleshed out more by way of describing the way he contorts his face, his brow, or something else physical).

I hope these things help.

Mithras

It did. Thank you.

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Lacking: Morality, Compassion, Mercy.