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Alex Kostin · 08-03-2008, 09:43 AM

Yes, I've finished the skeleton of my book. I started to edit the chapters one by one. Here are the 2 improved first chapters. I spent hours on editing them. What do you think? You can compare, but I don't think the topic exists anymore. (Project Rebirth is the topic). Enjoy. Opinions and advices, please.

Project Redivivus

Chapter 1 - Avoided History

The door of the small dark room opened and a tall, slim young man entered. He had an innocent face, green eyes and short black hair. The room was spacious, but the darkness created the illusion that it was barely big enough to fit five men. A compact lamp lighted the room a bit, but it was still not enough. The shady old man sitting behind a metal table in the center of the room was looking straight at the young man. A chair was facing the table. He approached the table.
-You called me, father? asked the young man.
-Yes, son, sit down. We have to talk. Don’t be afraid, take a seat.
The young man sat down. He had a strange feeling; he felt that something crucial is about to happen. Although the room didn’t seem quite adequate for such an event. He looked around and even took a deep inhale. It was a very musty place.
- What's this place? he asked, disgusted. I can see it’s deserted, and the atmosphere is pretty gloomy.
- Well, I guess you can call it a dungeon. This is the former place of the SMF Prison. But I didn’t choose this place because it’s attractive, son, it’s just that I don't want anyone to hear or see us. If I’d want to talk, I’d invite you to the Midget Café. What we are about to talk about now must not leave this room, understood?
He looked into his confused eyes.
- Y...yes. finally answered the young man.
- Good. Now, for start, tell me, what do you know about Silinius? Just some basic information.
- Well, it's the planet we live on. It’s very old, It's about nine billion years old and…wait...Why do you ask? Is this some kind of test? I hope it’s not one of your pranks.
- No, I got bored of that. Just curious, testing your knowledge a little. Don’t change the subject. Moving on. What about its history?
He leaned on the back of his wooden chair. The young man rubbed his forehead and answered:
- The six cities of Silinius were founded three thousand years ago. The main city is Leyaur. There were few trivial wars between these cities, but now they all live peacefully. The main...
- I see you know your planet’s history. interrupted the old man. Very impressive. Many don’t know even that. But explain to me, who are we? How did the humans appear? What happened, when, why and so on.
The questions were simple, yet the young man seemed to be a little uncertain when answering them. He knew that this is not just an After a small pause he answered, hoping to find out the real purpose of this visit:
- Christianity says that God created man. The first of them were Adam and Eve. It’s written in the Holy Bible. Others say that we evolved from other animals. These are the two main theories.
The old man smiled and shook his head.
- I meant when and how the people appeared on Silinius.
- Didn’t I just answer that? Creationism and evolutionism.
- Correct...and yet not. You are clever and you know even more than I did when I was your age, perhaps even more than I know now. But I think the time has come to tell you the truth, Wint. The truth that few wish to think about, the shocking truth. he paused . An avoided history. Man maybe was created by God, maybe he was first an inferior creature, but that didn’t happen on Silinius. We are the descendants the humans from another planet.
Wint was taken aback. It was a heavy impact for his soul. He always considered Silinius his home, the birthplace of man, the planet of the five religions. A planet he was proud of, where he had so many friends and a wife. Suddenly he found out that this was not entirely true. His father continued with a calm voice:
- The birthplace of man is a planet called Earth. It’s thousands of light-years away from us Silinians. A planet covered with water and earth, deserts and snowy tundra, forests and gigantic mountains. A planet full of wonders, fearsome creatures and , most important, mysterious and rich history. That’s exactly what we could use here. The history of Earth has been studied has been studied but many blank spaces remain. We don’t have enough material left. Moderate temperature, not this bloody cold whether we're having here. Life, I think, was better there. To be fair, it is an obsession of mine.
Wint became even more confused. Earth for his father was a vision of Paradise. But what made the humans leave it?
- And what happened? Why did men leave Earth?
- See, Wint, the people of Earth were a bit strange. They believed that there are other planets in the universe that could have life on them, other intelligent beings. Maybe creatures that were similar to them. “Little green men”, as they called them. he laughed quietly and took a deep breath. The men of this planet often saw different round or oval objects in the sky and thought that they were the transport of these creatures. Fanatics appeared, it was insane. Maybe they existed, maybe not. Nevertheless, a tragedy happened on the 16th of October 2191. A group of flying aircrafts approached a city; I can't remember its name, but it what I do remember is that it was washed by a sea in the northern part. People thought that at last they will meet intelligent life from another planet, but instead of green little men, they saw something that terrified them. A creature got out of the aircraft. Two legs, two arms and a green mask. As the chronicle says, that thing took of its mask and said “Today is the beginning of Project Redivivus!" It was a man.
Wint couldn't say a word. The truth was indeed stunning.
- Yes, a man. continued his father . His sentence marked the beginning of the attack. An attack that soon led to our existence. Quite funny. In less than a few hours the aircrafts of these attackers landed in every major and minor city. Villages were wiped from the face of the the planet with cruelty. Enemies swarmed from buildings and the soldiers of Earth were taken by surprise. The cities were burnt to ground or destroyed by heavy weapons. The opposing force was too massive. Defending was pointless. Half of the population of Earth was exterminated, the other half was enslaved. See the paradox? Men became slaves of men.
Everything was so sudden. Wint came into the room without knowing a thing about what his father told him and now he found out that men were the cause of the extermination of...men. It was macabre. He remained motionless, trying to imagine how everything occurred. And where could the attackers come from? The idea that somewhere in the universe there is another planet with the same race, which was speaking the same language, was just wrong. Wint then imagined how he would react in such case. He was an architect, not a very renown one, some of his sketches were considered trashy.
- But who found Silinius? he asked at last.
- Good question! Some people were prepared for this and they acted fast. Follow me, I will show you. Remember my advice, Wint: No matter how dark and tragic the situation may be, try to find a bright side. There always is one. It’s an old advice, but you should remember it. My mother told me this, and she was right.
They both stood up.
- She was a constant inspiration for me.
- I also miss Grandma Deace.
Wint and his father went out of the room and continued down the dusky corridor. The metallic walls were cracked and all the neon lights were broken. Some of the doors were lying on the floor. The floor was actually a soft, thin layer of conlisium, a shiny, durable and malleable material, made in on Silinius. Now it was covered with dust. But his father seemed to have known this place for years.

Chapter Two - Spheres

The Bytend Tower was a building few Silinians considered useless. It was a high-reaching tower with an arch on the flat top, which was a radar, specially built to detect and guide airships. The Tower was made of Nane, a dark-purple rigid and very light material, which was common in the Hunjay Sea. It was never intended to be used against hostiles, as in all the four hundred years of existence, nothing threatened this serene planet.
It was high dawn. The sky above the tower was clear, only several transport airships were flying nearby. A part of the radar was turned off for technical reasons, some glitches led to false alarms.
List, a bald, phlegmatic scientist, who’s duty was to monitor the cities using the radar, was sitting on his Hiid ( a light grey material) chair, looking at the freshly decorated wall with his semi-closed eyes . His cabinet was similar to a lab, with hundreds of small monitors and a larger one, showing statistics, figures, messages, even television programs, mainly economical or political news. List’s job was a very dull one, his duty was to monitor the cities using the radar. On the desk was a miniature 3D live image of the five cities. But the scientist wasn’t according to much attention to it, just a glance every five minutes. The scientist then refocused his attention on the television monitor. He knew that it was also not a fun activity, but at least he could see some people while leaning on the back of the chair.
As he was killing time, a red sphere appeared on the image, a tiny one. List noticed it, but then it disappeared and he turned his head back to the monitor, assuming it was just a glitch. Then, immediately, three spheres appeared in the east. The scientist jumped form his chair and looked closer at the image. The spheres didn’t disappear this time. Instead, seven more joined. List was already concerned. Ten more emerged from the south, then three more from the east. But he was just leaning on the table with his hands, motionless, gazing at the bizarre glitch.
When four more spheres were spotted, the scientist rushed to the door and ran all the way to General Torn, the man in charge of the tower.
General Torn wasn’t expecting any visits that day. A man in yellow uniform rushed into the room, panting. Torn looked at him, expecting some explanation for this sudden intrusion. He was a very proud man, wearing the usual green uniform that generals and other important people wore. Long sleeves, long drins (pants) and pafs ( a mix of boots, brogues and trainers) The man’s scared face indicated that there was trouble. He swallowed and approached the general.
- General Torn, sir! We’re having problems. You have to see this! he said.
Torn rised from his chair and followed the man. The corridors of the tower were very free that day. Everyone was occupied, most of them were working on the radar.
- What's the matter, List? I have some important tasks to do now, I don’t have time for any minor…
- This isn’t minor. There's something wrong with the radar.
- That’s not news, List!
- You’ll see what I’m talking about, General Torn.
He was concise and confident. The General, on the other hand, was skeptic. They entered a three-floored lont ( room) with a square device in the center. The second floor was occupied by arolites (soldiers) who were guarding the numerous entrances. A few others were working on the computers and panels, watching the situation of the security in the Silinian airship hangars.
-Rage, turn the radar on! shouted List.
A woman on the second floor reached for the panel. A three-dimensional hologram of Leyaur appeared above the square device. Nothing out of order on the ground, but there were hundreds of red spheres in the sky. Torn didn’t react.
- What does this mean, List? asked the General ironically. Clouds?
- Red spheres represent unidentified aircrafts, sir!
He looked at List doubtfully.
- Qudo, take Maps and Julve and check if there is anything in the sky! he ordered and pointed up. The top.
The spheres were slowly flying towards the Tower, leaving a light-red trace behind them. It looked like a full-scale invasion. Or just an overestimated glitch. But General Torn did not panic. He was a veteran of war and the word fear did not exist in his vocabulary. He hated computers and radars, considered that everything connected to electricity or any other source of energy would, sooner or later, malfunction. The only words he knew were "glitch" and “virus”. Soon, the General was called on his pec (portable epitome communicator). He was told that there was nothing in the sky.
- It's just a glitch, List. There’s nothing in the sky! Nothing to worry about! Don't call me for such nonsense, I'm a busy man, I told you! Call the programmer or the mechanic. Call yourself, you’re a
Torn was about to leave, List grabbed his arm and stopped him.
- The radar has occasional glitches, but not something of this scale. explained List with a calm voice. There's something out there!
- If you can’t see it, then it’s not there! And if you touch me again, you’ll have to start looking for a new job. Although this is the only place where people accept geeks like you.
He cackled and left the lont.
- I can’t believe they put that idiot in charge of the tower. he whispered to himself. Bloody churt.
List walked away, trying to forget about the spheres and the vile general. But he wasn't the only one who was worried. The whole tower seemed to be panicking. They didn’t express their panic, but their behavior was very odd. But then the scientist wondered: “Maybe he was right. What if it’s just a glitch?” On his way back, he met Alen, a good friend of his and the main programmer of the tower, an old man with long dark hair.
- Well, I checked the radar, it seems to be in tip top shape. As for the spheres…
- It freaked me out, Alen. Do you have a logical explanation for this?
- The spheres are still there, hovering above the Tower, I checked when I left my lont. Could be a prank, could be a virus but I’ll check tomorrow.
Just to be sure, List got to the top of the seven hundred-meter Sentry Tower and looked again in the sky. It was snowing and the chilling air penetrated his bone, while the gust was slowly pushing the scientist. He looked around, but not even the smallest airship was visible. Nothing. Just the clear sky. Just the clear sky…Then suddenly, an enormous ship appeared out of nowhere behind him. List shrieked and made a step back. Then just as it appeared, the ship vanished. He was hardly breathing, looking around, terrified. The ship was not Silinian, it was gigantic. The scientist made a step forward and accidentally slipped on the icy surface. He fell on a platform, ten meters below, unconscious. The last thing he saw was the mammoth ship reappearing. List was in no grave danger, but he was unable to talk. But none of the people who worked in the Bytend Tower read much into the event. Not even Alen.

Protecar · 08-03-2008, 10:31 AM

Well, the story line seemed fairly interesting. As usual I would suggest putting spaces in-between paragraphs just so it is more easily read. That said, this wasn't too hard on the eyes(that might just be because this is the only story I've only read while on though).

Now, the writing seems a little lacking I'm afraid. I get you are using hyphens instead of quotes to signify speech, personally, I prefer quotes, they are just easier to understand when the dialogue breaks back to narration. Also, there was a couple instances where sentences just seem to drop into some abyss, undoubtedly created by alien technology. Example:

"- It's just a glitch, List. There’s nothing in the sky! Nothing to worry about! Don't call me for such nonsense, I'm a busy man, I told you! Call the programmer or the mechanic. Call yourself, you’re a [???] Torn was about to leave, List grabbed his arm and stopped him."

Looking back on it again, I'm guessing he was interrupted but there should be some punctuation to recognize that, a double-hyphen works well. I remember seeing at least one other but maybe it was the same case in both of them. I could just be a little slow on the take but this just threw me out of the rhythm of the story, and it's never a good idea to lose the reader(maybe it's just me though).

Oh, found the other example:

"The questions were simple, yet the young man seemed to be a little uncertain when answering them. He knew that this is not just an [???] After a small pause he answered, hoping to find out the real purpose of this visit:"

Again, I was just lost after this. You did well with all the backstory and the terminology in parentheses to keep the reader from being lost in your foreign world so I like that.

Personally I think you could really improve this by revising the setup of your dialogue and conforming to the norm. Maybe the whole point was to avoid the normal setup of dialogue but it was just more confusing to try and follow it without being given straight answers as to when a person's speech begins and ends. Without quotes narration blends right into the dialogue--another rude awakening out of the world you are painting, which you have obviously put some thought into establishing so I would imagine you want to keep the reader as immersed as possible. I know I was interested to know more!

I hope this helps, if I didn't clarify something enough I can see about dropping in to provide more of my view. Nice work so far though, the pace still seemed to flow well even accounting the errors, otherwise it wouldn't have been so easy to read in this single-spaced format so nice job on that!

Alex Kostin · 08-03-2008, 11:23 AM

Protecar, you can't imagine how much I appreciate that you wrote this.

Now, I use the hyphens becuse there are many dialogues in the novel. But I think I'll switch to quotes.

The ??? things were just typos. When I was editing, I erased some scentences, words, and apparently forgot to add/replace some of them.

Thanks. Keep e'm coming, please, people.

PSFoster · 08-03-2008, 09:26 PM

I noted at least one place where a phrase was repeated. Can't remember where, but in the first part. Yes, spaces between paragraphs.

HippoHead · 08-04-2008, 03:59 AM

Interesting concept, but thefact that knowing six cities were at war but now aren't sounds like something everyone should know, not just 'few'. This sounds like an extraordinarily simple planet, with nothing much going on (only 5 religions?)

And what prof is there that Earth existe and al that? Why would his son believe this? Ther's also too much telling and not showing, such as a line that went something like 'he was stunned to find this out'.

Anyways, good job otherwise.

Alex Kostin · 08-04-2008, 04:44 AM

Thanks.

Well, face it, there are 5 main religions on Earth: Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism and Islam. Now, it's my fault, I should have mentioned that thgey've lived there for only five hundred years. More is told in the third chapter.

And thank you both for the observations.

Subtext · 08-05-2008, 11:03 AM

I agree about the hyphens, I felt I was reading James Joyce's Dubliners again.

I think your idea for the plot is good, but I am not in tune with how you laid it out with the interrogation in the begining. The one that bothered me most was the following:

Quote:

- Good. Now, for start, tell me, what do you know about Silinius? Just some basic information.
- Well, it's the planet we live on. It’s very old, It's about nine billion years old and…wait...Why do you ask? Is this some kind of test? I hope it’s not one of your pranks.
- No, I got bored of that. Just curious, testing your knowledge a little. Don’t change the subject. Moving on. What about its history?

This exchange is very 1930s Broadway showshop. I would have approached it differently, but I'd need more time to think about it before I offered any more advice.

Good idea so far Alex Kostin, lets work on the execution though.

WriterJohnB · 08-05-2008, 12:46 PM

I had lots of problems with the story. The lack of quotation marks and By not naming the old man or the young man you made it even harder to tell who was speaking, leading to sentences like "He looked into his eyes." I didn't get very far before giving up. You might want to google "Turkey City Lexicon" and see what professional SF writers have to say about things to avoid in writing. Here's what they call your opening:

"As You Know Bob"
A pernicious form of info-dump through dialogue, in which characters tell each other things they already know, for the sake of getting the reader up-to-speed. This very common technique is also known as "Rod and Don dialogue" (attr. Damon Knight) or "maid and butler dialogue" (attr Algis Budrys).

Sorry, but this needs a lot of work.

JohnB

Alex Kostin · 08-05-2008, 01:23 PM

Good points. Thanks.