Nataanii

Chapter One:

Seventeen year old Josie Hamilton walked off the stage of her high school auditorium on graduation day while searching through the large crowd in the audience for her father Bill, her older step-brother Corey and her twin step-sisters Susie and Cameron. Relief filled her when she saw Corey standing in the front row with his knitted black cap on in his long, brown leather jacket and slightly faded blue jeans, his bright green eyes glowing under the lights in the auditorium. He smiled and waved at her. Next to Corey was Bill, his black, wavy hair falling slightly into his big, Texas blue eyes. Josie was impressed to see him in the all black suit he was wearing. It was the finest she had seen him look in months. Her relief and elation was short lived as she saw no sight of Susie and Cameron. She dropped her head and sighed. Of course they weren’t coming. They hated every fiber of her being. She knew she couldn’t let them see her disappointment. She ran over to Bill and Corey and hugged them.

“Hey! Dad you look great!” She grinned.

“Thanks honey, I loved your speech.” Bill said. “I can’t believe you’re finished school.”

Corey nodded and lit a cigarette.

“Yeah girl, I’m proud of you.” He said between puffs. “Soon you’ll be on your way to Harvard or Yale.”

Josie smiled and nodded.

“Thanks, hey where’s Cameron and Susie?” She asked.

Corey glanced at Bill before taking another puff of his cigarette.

“Um, they said they weren’t coming Josie.” He said.

Bill looked at Corey and vociferated.

“You didn’t tell me that Corey.” Bill said.

Corey looked at Bill and shrugged.

“I didn’t want to upset you and Josie.” Corey said. “Especially knowing today is Josie’s
graduation.”

Bill rolled his eyes, his face was becoming red.

“I’m sorry dad,” Corey whispered as he put out his cigarette.

“It’s not your fault Corey.” Bill said. “I can’t believe—”

“Dad stop,” Josie interrupted. “Forget it—forget about them not coming. Let’s just celebrate us
being happy today ok?”

Corey wrapped his arm around Josie and walked with her out the auditorium.

“That’s right kid,” Corey grinned. “We’re going to go back to the house, have a nice bar-b-que and maybe—just maybe give you your first beer.”

Josie looked at him and laughed.

“I know, alright, I’m kidding about the beer part.” Corey said.

Josie looked back at Bill who was walking behind them. She could see the hurt he had on his face
regarding Cameron and Susie.

“Dad are you alright?” Josie asked.

Bill looked up at her and contrived a smile and nodded.

“Yeah, let’s go home and celebrate.” He said.

It was almost five in the afternoon when Bill pulled into the garage of their home in hot and humid Toronto . It had been a two hour drive back from Josie’s high school. Bill had hoped that both Sise and Cameron were home so that he could confront them about Josie’s graduation. It still burned him that they didn’t attend. As Bill walked in the house with Corey and Josie, he stopped in the middle of the hallway.

“Corey, hey why don’t you and Josie go out back and get the bar-b-que started?” Bill said. “I’m going to go upstairs for a moment.”

Corey nodded.

“Yeah sure, c’mon Josie,” he said.

Josie watched her father dash up the stairs as she walked towards the kitchen to the door leading to the backyard. She knew her father was going upstairs and who he was going to see. Bill walked to Cameron and Susie’s door and burst into the room. Both girls were lying on their beds

flipping through Seventeen magazines. He stood in the middle of the floor with his arms crossed.

“Where the hell were you two today?” Bill asked.

Susie scoffed without looking at him.

“What do you mean where were we today?” She asked.

“What do I mean?” Bill asked. “Girl, you and Cameron were supposed to be at Josie’s graduation today! You never showed up and I want to know why!”

Cameron sat up on the bed and sighed.

“Dad, we didn’t go because we didn’t want to go.” Cameron said. “You always try to throw her off on us and we keep trying to tell you we hate her guts.”

Bill balled his fists as he felt his anger rising. How could they talk that way about Josie, their own sister?

“What!” He yelled. “What you’ve just said doesn’t even make sense! There’s no reason for you two to hate her! She’s your sister for Christ’s sake!”

“She’s our half sister dad!” Susie yelled, “and she’s a stupid bitch! She’s the reason our mother left. I’ll never like her. I’d rather die first.”

Bill looked at Susie and sighed and shook his head.

“She is not the reason your mother left!” Bill yelled. “As a matter of fact you’re grounded Susie for two months for even using swear words about your own sister!”

Susie stood to her feet with her mouth wide open.

“What!” She yelled. “You can’t do this! I have a basketball game this weekend! I have to be there, I’m the captain!”

Bill nodded as he paced back and forth in the rom.

‘Oh well I guess you should’ve thought of that before you spoke huh?” He said.

“Dad this is ridiculous!” Cameron yelled. ‘It’s like you love that—girl more than you do us. She wouldn’t even be here if her crazed mother hadn’t gotten off birth control.”

Bill gasped as tears filled his eyes. The words Cameron spoke pierced his soul like a bullet firing from a gun.

“You know Cameron, I’m trying so hard not to react with physical force right now.” Bill
whispered as tears streamed. “You have NO right to talk that way about her mother—my wife!
Just because you two are fifteen, you both think that gives you the right to disrespect me! As I recall that—crazed mother took care of you both while your real mother was locked up in a state prison! Just for your remark, you’re grounded for three months too!”

“Dad please,” Cameron said. “You can’t ground me.”

“I just did Cameron.” Bill said with his blue eyes big and wide.

“I hate you,” Cameron said. “I hate you and I hope you and her die together.”

Bill bit down hard on his lower lip to keep from spewing out numerous swear words.

“Make that four months Cameron.” He said while staring directly into her eyes. “Now I have to get out of this room because right now I can’t stand the sight of either one you.”

Bill walked out the room and slammed the door behind him.

“That dork,” Cameron said. “I bet she put him up to coming up here and grounding us.”

“I’m sick of playing third wheel to that bitch.” Susie said. “We’ve been taking too much of her crap for too long. It’s time to get even.”

Susie looked at Cameron and smiled.

“Let’s go downstairs and celebrate her birthday—OUR way.” Susie said.

Nataanii

PART TWO OF THE STORY:

Bill walked back out to the backyard and inhaled and exhaled as he saw Corey and Josie. He tried to shake off the things Susie and Cameron said about him but he kept hearing their voices repeating those comments over and over in his mind. It had his stomach in knots. He walked over to Josie and wrapped his arm around her. The grill was already fired up and cooking the hot dogs and hamburgers.

“Hey dad, where were you?” Josie asked. “We thought you had forgotten about the bar-b-que.”

“Please,” Corey said between sipping his beer. “Just mention food to dad and he’ll be there.”

Bill lowered his head and contrived a smile.

"Dad, you alright there?” Corey asked. “I mean I know my jokes aren’t all that funny, but c’mon.”

Bill looked up at him and sighed.

‘I’m—I’m sorry Corey.” He said. “I just um—I went upstairs and had it out with your sisters again about Josie.”

Corey rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Oh Christ dad,” Corey said. “You should’ve just left them at Juvenile last month.”

“What were their excuses for not coming to the graduation dad?” Josie asked.

Bill looked at Josie’s innocent face. How could he tell her the truth? He shrugged and shook his head.

“It’s not important Josie.” Bill said as he sat at the picnic table with her and Corey.

“Dad, tell her the excuse.” Corey said. “She’s not a kid, she deserves to know.”

“Or we can tell her ourselves.” Susie grinned while she and Cameron stood behind Bill.

“Oh look, go back up to your rooms.” Corey said. “If you couldn’t come to the graduation, you
shouldn’t even be down here!”

Josie looked at Corey and smiled.

“No, it’s ok Corey—really.” She said as she touched Corey’s hand. “Why didn’t you come to my graduation? I really was hoping you two would come and celebrate with me.”

Susie smiled and both she and Cameron walked over to Josie.

“We’re sorry we didn’t come.” Susie grinned. “Maybe if we had a car like you have, we could’ve come. Not all of us can be complete gold diggers like you.”

“Hey, why don’t you leave her alone!” Corey yelled as he stood to his feet.

“I want you two in your rooms now!” Bill yelled.

Cameron looked at Bill and smiled.

“Just a minute daddy,” Cameron said.

Josie stood and frowned at Susie.

“What is your problem Susie?” Josie asked. “I have never done anything to you but try to be nice and all you two do is treat me like crap. Why? What did I do to you?”

“What did you do to us?” Susie asked. “You ran our mother away! Before you, it was just daddy, Cameron, Corey and I. then daddy married your psycho mom and had you—a crazy nut just like your mother!”

Josie vociferated as tears filled her eyes.

“Dammit, Susie that’s enough!” Corey yelled.

Josie slapped Susie in the face.

“How dare you talk about my mother!” Josie yelled.

Susie grunted as she touched the side of her face.

“That’s it,” Bill said sternly. “Susie, Cameron you have five seconds to get to your room!”

Susie looked at Bill and then looked at Josie and shook her head.

“You bitch!” Susie yelled before throwing her hands around Josie’s neck and pushing her down to the ground and strangling her. Susie pressed her hands hard around Josie’s neck. Josie was beginning to see small black spots in front of her eyes. She was sure that she was going to go unconscious within seconds. Corey and Bill ran over to her and pulled Susie off of her while Josie turned on her side, coughing and gagging for air. Corey pushed Susie to the ground while she broke into loud tears.

“What the hell is your problem girl!” Corey yelled.

“Susie, get to your room now or I swear you’ll never see the light of day again!” Bill yelled.
Cameron helped Susie to her feet but found it hard to keep her away from where Josie was.

“This isn’t over you bitch!” Susie cried as she was being dragged away by Cameron. “This isn’t over by a long shot!”

Bill and Corey knelt down beside Josie who was sitting on the ground still gasping for air.

“Are you ok kid?” Corey asked. “Jeez, your face is bright red.”

Josie nodded and broke into loud tears. Corey hugged her close as she buried her face into his shoulder. Corey looked at Bill and knew his face said it all. He was displaying emotions of hurt, sadness and anger.


“Damn you really had her girl.” Cameron grinned. “If you had’ve kept choking her, she would’ve died.”

Susie laughed as she plopped down on her bed.

“That would’ve been nice.” She grinned.

Cameron sighed as she sat down beside Susie.

“I wish she would die though,” Cameron said. “I wish she would just lie down and die.”

Susie looked at her and smiled.

“I do too,” Susie said, “but lucky for me, I don’t believe in just making wishes. I work on having them come true.”

HippoHead

It's interesting and readable despite it's grammatical flaws. Stop using 'vociferated' - it looked out of place the first time you used it and after using it for the second time, it just looked amateurish - ike you were showing off the unnecessarily fancy new word you've learned.

Also, nobody likes reading about eyes filling with tears. We've seen it too often.

Good, little cliffhanger, if a tad over the top. They want revenge for a reason that isn't good enough to warrant murder, so if you could make them come across as more psychopathic then we don't need to understand their reasoning - they need to be insane - which would actually be awesome.

Yir getting better, my son!

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Murder Me

118,073 words into novel: 'Nocturne'. Click above to read the first chapter!

lin

Lost me on the first sentence. As you do many readers with stark, heavy-handed exposition of that sort.

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The Backward OX

Fuck me! Last night, for the first time ever in my somewhat lengthy time on this Earth, I came across the word 'vociferated'. In something of Kipling's, would you believe. And what do I find within minutes of booting up the pc this morning? The fucking word again. It's too much. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

cowpops

You obviously have a story. But similar to Lin, I got lost on the first sentence.

As a writer, I was with you for the most part. As a reader, I had a hell of a time painting a picture. I just couldn't see it.

But good for you, getting your stuff out there. I've only put a couple poems up. =\

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Violent Messiah

I got to agree with the general consensus about the use of 'vociferated', but I disagree with the idea wanting to murder a step sibling needs the prerequisite of psychosis. Envy, hate, and fear of being replaced in a father's eyes are more then enough to make two teenage girls think some rather dark thoughts without the benefit of insanity. Just watch enough of the nightly news for examples.

However, if you're going to make them insane, simply tie it into the mother that's been locked away for some reason. Make mom's crime attempted (or successful) murder and make it an asylum instead of jail, then the girl's homicidal tendencies become genetic.

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"I myself must mix with action, lest I wither by despair." - Alfred Lord Tennyson

Words to live by, people. Cheers!