I think I need help with my prologue... - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Violent Messiah · 07-30-2008, 11:29 PM

(OK, so I have a serial going and I'm fairly pleased with the opening hook in the prologue, but after the hook, I don't know. Something seems off, and I can't quite figure out what exactly. Think you guys can go through it, dissect it, and tell me what needs to be fixed, with ideas if possible? Its driving me nuts...help, please!

)

Morgan Stone stared at the unconscious woman he cared for so deeply, pondering how he had reached the strange position he was in of waiting to kill her. He sat numbly across from her on the far wall of the darkened ten by fifteen bedroom, the loaded automatic handgun weighing heavily in his hand. Watching the dancing lights of the dozen or so candles that had been placed in a surrounding circle flicker across her beautiful still face, Morgan could hardly believe that she was infected and would soon rise. Rise from the dead and try to devour his flesh, if he didn't execute her first.

As he continued his grim vigil, he thought back to how the end of the world as he knew it began that day with one dark thought;

'Why not just off myself and be done with it all?'

This was, after a little internal debate and a lot of substance abuse, followed by an even darker and more disturbing thought;

'Why not take a few others with me when I get off?'

Thinking back, Morgan admitted he probably should have seen the trouble coming. Problem is no one ever thinks they're going to be "that guy" until its too late with their friends and families telling reporters how "quiet they were", plus confirming that he was really a "loner". In reality, the problems began in the eighth grade when he came to live in the states with his former SAS dad and new American step-mom from his birthplace of Manchester, England. Unfortunately, the transition was anything but smooth as he didn't quite managed to fit in with many Americans his age, a couple of friends and his girlfriend being the rare exception.

Morgan managed to deal with and survive the trials and tribulations of being the new kid at school, regardless of how bumpy the process was over the next few years. Being eighteen and a senior about to graduate, he was normally a quiet, unassuming guy who recently had to deal with a lot of pressure in his social life at school and at work. He got dumped by his girlfriend of four years a couple of weeks ago, and he hates the place where he worked and the people there with an undying passion. Normally he'd just smile and brush things off, quietly taking it all and keeping his emotions to himself. And he would never think of resorting to violence.

Until earlier that day.

Morgan had finally snapped. His hold on sanity was, at best, lax. Add to that slight problem the fact that he had consumed quite a few shots of vodka, done several generous lines of cocaine and there was the recipe for disaster. Negative emotions he had kept buried for so long had finally broken free to the surface of his psyche. He was mad as hell at the world, especially the people at work, and he was really not going to take it any more. Armed with liquid and chemical courage, he had grabbed a couple of his dad's weapons from his gun collection plus a few other odds and ends, packed them in a gym bag and drove to the mall where he was fired from.

On the way there, Morgan noticed a gang of people running down and mugging some poor sucker, but it wasn't his problem so he drove on. It was kind of strange, though, as he could swear that the gang of men and women also included a couple of kids. Even stranger still, he could also swear that they weren't beating their victim, but rather biting them.

He almost laughed when he remembered about how naive he had been then, thinking that he couldn't possibly have saw what he thought he had seen.

He then remembered when he pulled up to the mall entrance and saw a large group of people moving towards the other entrance of the super-sized shopping center. He noticed that the unusual looking group moved rather oddly, more of a shambling, shuffling movement more then normal walking. It reminded him of something, but he couldn't quite remember what at that time, so he disregarded it then. Taking one more rather substantial hit of coke, Morgan then stuffed the .45 in the back of his pants, grabbed the gym bag and marched towards the building and destiny.

(OK, be brutally honest and hopefully helpful, please. Thanks in advance!)

bpastermack · 07-31-2008, 07:22 AM

I like the general concept of somone that came so close to being THAT guy on the news becoming the hero, but I personally am not a huge fan of the beginning. I'll admit I'm a novice at this so don't take anything I say seriously. But my thought is I would rather focus entirely on him loading the guns into his car, and driving to the mall. Talk about all of the emotions he's feeling. Let us feel his rage and insanity. Tell us some of the things that people have done to him to make him so angry, and feed our anger a bit. Not that we will totally relate, because most of us still think he's nuts, but it helps. Talk about his fear, and the strange way he felt after he turned to insanity. 'He could hear himself breathing and it sounded like a freight train' 'His senses were so heightened that he could hear the sweat that had just dripped off his chin hit the floor' Stuff like that.

Something like that at the beginning of a zombie book would do plenty to capture my attention, without having to flash forward like that. If you want to keep that hook at the beginning, then you need to transition better, even if it's a simple line like

Earlier that day...

Non Serviam · 08-03-2008, 06:42 AM

The main thing that's off is the huge expository lump so early in the story.

I mean, you start with a beautiful concept: a man waiting for his girlfriend to rise from the dead. But it's only got a paragraph. One, single, solitary paragraph for an idea like that. Then you dive into the protagonist's head and start telling us what he's thinking.

As yet, your readers don't care what he's thinking. You can tell us what he's thinking later in the story once we've started to identify with the character and give a damn if he lives or dies, but, not in the opening.

In other words, you're telling us a load of stuff that you the writer ought to know, but shouldn't tell the reader yet.

So my advice is:

1) Take everything after the first paragraph, cut it out and paste it into a separate document called "Morgan". Then put "Morgan" into a folder called "character files".

2) Now you have one, single, solitary paragraph. Look at it in its isolation and beauty, and let's dissect it.

Morgan Stone stared at the unconscious woman he cared for so deeply

a) She's not unconscious, she's dead. Tell us she's dead, because that's shorter and more dramatic.
b) Don't tell us he cared for her deeply. Tell us specifically that she's his girlfriend.

This gives us a cracking opening sentence:

Morgan Stone stared at his dead girlfriend.

Don't add to a sentence like that. Each word you add reduces the impact of the sentence. Start a new sentence to continue.
, pondering how he had reached the strange position he was in of waiting to kill her.

You don't need to tell us it's strange to be waiting to kill her: we know that. And it's essential not to tell us what he's thinking until we have a reason to care what he's thinking. I'd write:

Morgan Stone stared at his dead girlfriend. In a few minutes she would rise and try to devour his flesh.

Next go through and cut all the modifiers. (Don't say "loaded automatic handgun". Say either "gun" or something specific, e.g. "Desert Eagle". Don't say "her beautiful, still face"--she's dead, we know it's still! Don't say "darkened ten by fifteen bedroom", say "room".)

Next go through and add details to illustrate each important point. Don't tell us it's a bedroom--tell us she's lying on a bed, and mention one other telling detail that suggests bedroom-ness (is she wearing a nightie?) Don't tell us she's beautiful--tell us she has high cheekbones and wing-tipped eyebrows (or something).

Vivid writing is about details.

valeca · 08-03-2008, 07:46 AM

"Morgan Stone stared at his dead girlfriend pondering how he had reached this strange position of waiting to kill her."

I dropped a couple of words here, but listen to NS; he's given you some very good advice. That is a great opening line. It draws the reader in.

Violent Messiah · 08-03-2008, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Non Serviam

The main thing that's off is the huge expository lump so early in the story.

I mean, you start with a beautiful concept: a man waiting for his girlfriend to rise from the dead. But it's only got a paragraph. One, single, solitary paragraph for an idea like that. Then you dive into the protagonist's head and start telling us what he's thinking.

As yet, your readers don't care what he's thinking. You can tell us what he's thinking later in the story once we've started to identify with the character and give a damn if he lives or dies, but, not in the opening.

In other words, you're telling us a load of stuff that you the writer ought to know, but shouldn't tell the reader yet.

So my advice is:

1) Take everything after the first paragraph, cut it out and paste it into a separate document called "Morgan". Then put "Morgan" into a folder called "character files".

2) Now you have one, single, solitary paragraph. Look at it in its isolation and beauty, and let's dissect it.

Morgan Stone stared at the unconscious woman he cared for so deeply

a) She's not unconscious, she's dead. Tell us she's dead, because that's shorter and more dramatic.
b) Don't tell us he cared for her deeply. Tell us specifically that she's his girlfriend.

This gives us a cracking opening sentence:

Morgan Stone stared at his dead girlfriend.

Don't add to a sentence like that. Each word you add reduces the impact of the sentence. Start a new sentence to continue.
, pondering how he had reached the strange position he was in of waiting to kill her.

You don't need to tell us it's strange to be waiting to kill her: we know that. And it's essential not to tell us what he's thinking until we have a reason to care what he's thinking. I'd write:

Morgan Stone stared at his dead girlfriend. In a few minutes she would rise and try to devour his flesh.

Next go through and cut all the modifiers. (Don't say "loaded automatic handgun". Say either "gun" or something specific, e.g. "Desert Eagle". Don't say "her beautiful, still face"--she's dead, we know it's still! Don't say "darkened ten by fifteen bedroom", say "room".)

Next go through and add details to illustrate each important point. Don't tell us it's a bedroom--tell us she's lying on a bed, and mention one other telling detail that suggests bedroom-ness (is she wearing a nightie?) Don't tell us she's beautiful--tell us she has high cheekbones and wing-tipped eyebrows (or something).

Vivid writing is about details.

Ah, you found the link. Thanks for the help, mate. OK, I see what you're saying, and some of that's pretty helpful. There are a few things I can't change, though...

1) I can't come out and call her his girlfriend because not only is that paragraph a hook, but a tease as well. The truth is its not necessarily his ex girlfriend, but could also be his other love interest, his best friend. If I come out and say which it is, it spoils the surprise and from what I've been reading in comments about it so far, its actually a serious point of contention as to who should die and who should live.

2) She's not dead yet, just on her way as she's infected. This also plays a part later on in the story, which is why I purposely chose the word unconscious instead of dead.

3) I can't give too much description about what she looks like because, once again, that gives away the surprise as to who the dead woman walking, or rather laying, is..

But other then that, I can work with your other suggestions and will see how I can implement them, especially the one about all the info I really shouldn't be giving out in a big chunk like that. The thing is, I felt I needed to explain why he's going to do what he had planned (the store massacre) so readers don't think he's a complete psychopath, but rather just a high strung individual who's just beginning to crack. I'm hoping to do this in just the prologue instead of messing with the already done and printed 12 chapters.

I was considering maybe using bpastermack's idea about flashing back to him loading up the weapons and other equipment and reveal some things through internal dialog. What do you think about that?

HippoHead · 08-03-2008, 02:06 PM

Valeca has give you a good first openin line, there - it took me a couple of times reading it over to understand, but that's good - because it's meant to be weird!

Anyways...

Very easy to get into, everyone likes zombie stories, though you should rememer to appeal to the five senses, as well as giving some more descriptive detail. Post-apocalyptic novels should give description on how the world is before the zombie panic, then details on how it looks after - just for good contrasting - and for more enjoyable reading! Not that it doesn't do finely already - I was certanly able to imagine it all and identify with the character, so kudos to you. You will have to do something revolutionary to make sure it doesn't turn out to just be some other undead tale, though - add a twist to the zombies, perhaps?

The thoughts of your protagonist were very effective - and the lines before them in incrememnted their awesomeness 'a more disturbing thought: killing em all' etc. And the paragraph that went on about how reports would call him a quiet man was epic. It let us know about his character without you having to spell it out or taking too long over it - and it also allows the reader t realise how underrated his murders would go - it's like looking into the mind of a psychpath (not that he is one as far as I know, butif your heading down that route with this guy it would be amazing.)

Very 'I am Legend' stuff here - I recommend that book - not only because it's great, but also because it would give you some idea of how a good horror novel is - it's not all mosters, but also how loneliness drives a man insane and then into acceptance. If you've already read it, then I see where your inspiration came from!

Keep up the good work - but for the reader's sake, make sure you add a few twists and unconventional horror elements to keep things exciting.

Non Serviam · 08-03-2008, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violent Messiah

There are a few things I can't change, though...

Then that can't be your first scene, mate.

Your first scene has to be clear and specific. You can be ambiguous later on, once the reader cares about the story, because then they'll find it intriguing rather than annoying.

So you need something else to start it with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violent Messiah

I was considering maybe using bpastermack's idea about flashing back to him loading up the weapons and other equipment and reveal some things through internal dialog. What do you think about that?

Flashbacks have their place, but I think it's important not to overuse them.

Dialogue with someone else is almost always preferable to an internal dialogue. Can this guy have a sidekick, elderly mentor, or other walk-on type to talk to?

valeca · 08-03-2008, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HippoHead

Valeca has give you a good first openin line, there - it took me a couple of times reading it over to understand, but that's good - because it's meant to be weird!

Thanks for the credit, but it doesn't belong to me. It goes to Non Serviam.