S-wo

Hello everyone I was wondering if I could get some feedback on my query letter and to the people I spoke to recently should I try to resubmit my query?


Dear Kristin Nelson:

I am a seeking an agent to represent my modern fantasy novel, Krystal Light. It is 135,000 words in length. I have five years of writing experience and I enclosed a few sample pages if you are interested.

My love of fantasy started as a young child and I always dreamed of creating my own fantasy world for others to get lost in. That is what Krystal Light is about, but my story is one that the young and the old can enjoy. Andrew Scaves, a young streetfighter, attends a festival during the intermission of his final match where the nation’s king, queen, and princess are scheduled to attend. During the festival, a terrorist attack occurs killing the king and queen. A week later after he attends his final match, he finds the princess, now queen, on his doorstep and she blackmails him into assisting her and her only remaining elite guard, on a revenge mission to assassinate the terrorist that killed her parents.

I thank you for taking the time to read my letter and I hope you will consider my request.


Sincerely,



Shawn Reynolds

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STAYCALM49

The letter is concise and to the point and very well written. If the book is as easy to read then I suspect it will be good and hopefully Kristin will see that.

The only change I would make is to enclose the first three chapters with it and offer the rest if she is interested, as this is recommended by Writers and Artists.

I am sorry I can not be more helpful, but I think the letter is good enough so thre is not much to say.

Perhaps other members can draw on their own experiences and make more helpful comments.

OtherWorlds

I think you have a good query here. The only suggestion I would make is possibly to leave out the part about your childhood interest in fantasy, since it isn't really relevant to the work. Also, I'd suggest giving your story description earlier on in the letter. Maybe putting a hook in your opening paragraph by starting off with a question. It's actually already good as it stands, though, so all of this is just extra ideas. Good letter and good luck to you.

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Capricious Quills:
A resource for writers of fantasy and paranormal romance.

lin

1. Why are you querying her?
Good answers to that might include "I was attracted to your agency because of your relationship with XXXX, whose work is similar to mine"
Bad answer: "I saw your name on the internet".

2. Who wants to read your book?
Good answer to that: "My book should appeal to fans of Anne Rice, Winkum McBlinkum, and Donald Goines."


Lose the whole "since childhood" thing and definitely the "that's what it's about" bit.

"A fantasy with young characters, but of appeal to older readers as well, particularly those who like Knockoff O'Tolkein..." or whatever.

Your synopsis is too long on details and too short on plot. If you can't reduce the story to something that states the setup, the motivation, and the resolution in one paragraph, say something like, "The plot revolves around a street fighter thrown into contact with a Princess when she is attacked in public. I've included a synopsis below"

Then spin in out in like three paragraphs. We don't care about the king, queen or elite guard.
Stick with the principals here: the kid and the princess. They are tossed together, form a prickly alliance and end up.... what?

Don't bother encluding samples, I'd say... unless the agent says she wants samples WITH QUERIES. Many won't open letters with attachments. Your task is to make the so hot to see the story that they will request a sample.

This query doesn't to that. It's vague and generic. Flesh it in... who are these people (you should be able to get that across with a couple of well-chosen adjectives, then show them a little more by sketching the setting and characters in the synopsis. We don't even know where this thing takes place.

If you have sent this top Kristen before, don't send it again. Send it to other agents instead. Read their websites. Look for agents who rep work like yours and tell them so.

Don't use full name in salutation, Ms. Nelson will do, as in any business letter.

Five years writing experience is meaningless. (After all, what does it mean? If you have sales or a blog or something, mention it. Otherwise just say it's your first novel)

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Tiamat10

I'm with lin. Your query doesn't make your book stand out in any way. Incidentally, I read Kristin's blog. You should check it out because she includes samples of query letters that have grabbed her in the past.

Pub Rants

It's a good idea to do some research on your prospective agents--and not just the genres they represent or their page on Publisher's Marketplace. It shows them you're taking your work serious enough to go the extra mile.

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S-wo

How is this?

Dear Kristin Nelson:

What is a novel that can appeal to the young and old vibrant minds of this current generation? It is KRYSTAL LIGHT, a fantasy novel that stands to be like none other in the market. It is 135,000 words in length and thirty-one chapters long.
Andrew Scaves attends a festival during the intermission of his final match where the nation’s king, queen, and princess are scheduled to attend. A terrorist attack occurs killing the king and queen. A week later after he attends his final match, he finds the new queen on his doorstep, and she blackmails him into assisting her and her only remaining elite guard, on a revenge mission to subdue justice to the terrorist that killed her parents.

I thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Sincerely,



Shawn Reynolds

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Tiamat10

No.

Number one: Don't brag. Let your writing speak for itself.

Number two: Make it more personal to the agent. Tell her why you think she's a good agent to represent your work. Tell where you heard of her agency. Find books she's represented that are similar to yours and tell her of these similarities.

Number three: Make the description of your novel concise and attention-grabbing. You're basically writing a sales pitch, after all. So sell it. Without bragging.

Final match of what? Why does it matter that it's his final match of anything? What time-period is this set in anyways?


OK, so here's conflict. Good. But if this is so important, it wouldn't hurt to say what specifically happened to them.


Um, why? Why is he qualified to help and why does the queen need to blackmail him into helping? It's one thing to leave a bit of a hook in your description so the agent wants to hear more, but it's quite another to be so vague that it doesn't make any sense.

Look here: Write a Great Query Letter

At the bottom of that page, there is a link to download a free e-book written by a successful literary agent telling you specifically how to write a good query letter. Download it, read it, and then have another stab at writing your query.

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lin

You are asking for more advice after totally ignoring all the good advice you got the first time?

I would switch concerns to working up a job resume.

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Dr. Apopolus

I don't think you should be so specific about the length.

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Happenstance

OtherWorlds

You should always state your word count up front. It's pretty standard, and failure to do it risks annoying the agent, since most of them expect you to include that information in your query. Chapter length, on the other hand, is another matter, and doesn't need to be mentioned.

I like that your second letter pitches into the plot of the story more quickly, but you might want to watch your wording a little bit. If the agent feels like you're bragging (and I'm not saying you are, only that the wording is tricky), it'll probably turn her against your work before she's even read it.

__________________
Capricious Quills:
A resource for writers of fantasy and paranormal romance.

S-wo

The synopsis of a letter is only supposed to be a few sentences isn't it? but i did read online that one could include a description of the plot in the 1st sentence and then another synopsis to go into full detail on that and to Lin. I'm sorry I did take some of your advice into account when making this new letter. It's a lot more work than i thought just writing a single letter.

Here's the newest and hopefully this will be my last.

Dear Ms. Nelson:

What is a novel that can appeal to the vibrant minds of 10-80 year-olds of this current generation? I hope that my fantasy novel, KRYSTAL LIGHT, can do so.It is 135,000 words in length.
Andrew Scaves a young street fighter is thrown into a conflict to subdue justice to a nameless man who assassinated the king and queen of Alyuwan. Andrew is first introduced to this situation when he attends a festival celebrating the 15th anniversary of the reformation of the country Alyuwan. A mysterious red skinned man appears and reigns terror. He annihilates the nation’s elite guards and the king and queen whom attended. Their daughter safely managed to escape to safety. A week later, Andrew wakes up one morning and finds the new queen on his doorstep. She blackmails him into assisting her on a mission to subdue justice to the man merely known as the red terrorist.
I thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Sincerely,



Shawn Reynolds

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