VengefulDistain

“Are you sure we should be interviewing him?” Captain George
Francis asked, slightly worried.
“Yes, of course” responded Major Elijah Grey.
“Isn’t he one of them?”
“Yes, he is, you’re not afraid are you?”
“Of…of course not…but he could kill us!”
“If he had wanted to kill us he would have done it by now, and not all of these…types wish harm towards others, so, if you don’t mind, I would like to interview him now and get it over and done with because as you know we have more pressing issues to address other than a possible criminal interview”
“If we have more pressing issues, then why aren’t we addressing them instead?”
“Usually we would, but this boy may have the answer to how exactly we can stop the ‘Others’ destroying the planet” Major Grey retorted, agitated. God he hated the police, so naive and…well…stupid. They always got on his nerves.
Major Grey and Captain Francis entered the small room that appeared before them, inside were four grey walls with triggers built in that, if were tripped, would set off an explosion in that area which had been triggered. One of these walls had a shatter, heat and hurricane resistant, tinted glass window which concealed, on the other side, a smaller room for others to observe and record the interviews. The floor was made of grey concrete that was a metre deep, underneath that a 10, 000 volt river of electricity flowed inside a wire mesh to prevent escapes from the interview room.
Sound unusual? Believe me, it isn’t, and necessary those days.
Although the room had all this escape-prevention tools built in, people still managed to break out with minimal harm, believe it or not.
In The middle of the room was a plastic table bolted to the floor as well as two chairs. Sitting on one of them was Jed, a seventeen year old boy from the outskirts of New York City.
He sat there calm and collected, taking in his surroundings.
“Hello Jed”, said Major Grey as he sat opposite him, Captain Francis stood as far away from him as possible, but tried not to act like he was scared but really, he was terrified of the boy, “I think you know why you are here, so let’s get this over and done with. Do you know who is behind the attack on the planet?”
“Yes, it is the Reapers, the controllers of darkness who seek out the world’s light”
“What will happen if the world has no light left?”
Jed laughed, “You have got to be kidding me! We will all plunge into darkness, obviously, and if the world is filled with darkness the Reapers can control it”
There was an awkward silence; dread seemed to fill the room as realisation hit the Major and the Captain.
“So”, started the Captain, “the world will become a slave to the Reapers?”
“Yes, or in other words, we will be their bitches”, Jed started to laugh.
“HOW THE HELL CAN YOU LAUGH WHEN INNCOCENT PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE BEING SLAUGHTERED AND THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT IS BEING DESTROYED!” screamed the Captain as Jed slowed his fit of laughter.
“Sorry man, it’s just that before I go out there and risk my life to save all your arses I’d like to laugh a bit”
The Captain rolled his eyes and stormed out of the room whilst muttering something about having polite kids in the old days.
“Ok, one more question, we need to know how this all started. Can you tell us?”
Jed paused, “You might want to get comfortable mate, it’s going to be a long story, but I’ll try to shorten it as we don’t have much time left. It all began after school one day, three months ago…”

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SEX IN A BUCKET OF KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN!!!!

Protecar

Hmm...this looks like an interesting story idea and I have to say I'm very intrigued. Fantasy and Sci-Fi is much more my in my area of interest than most other genres.

That said, I felt the dialogue was rather weak. I think what's missing is the transitioning to help the dialogue of one character flow into another's. Don't get me wrong, I like how the dialogue gets thrown across fast without a lot of superfluous details, but I think a little insight into what the characters are thinking a bit would help, or perhaps just a little narration in certain areas, I'll just take one example:

“Hello Jed”, said Major Grey as he sat opposite him, Captain Francis stood as far away from him as possible, but tried not to act like he was scared but really, he was terrified of the boy, “I think you know why you are here, so let’s get this over and done with. Do you know who is behind the attack on the planet?”
“Yes, it is the Reapers, the controllers of darkness who seek out the world’s light”

Something just comes across as a little clunky between the two quotes. Also, the first quote seems a little unrealistic I think, perhaps you were trying to give the reader too much through this particular dialogue. In my opinion, if this is a prologue you can leave a lot of questions in the reader's mind to answer later, most especially in dialogue. If you want to explain a little background in your prologue, your best bet is through a little simple narration. Dialogue can work, but if you are trying to keep it brief, it can be tricky to balance a realistic script of dialogue that is both believable(why would people talk about what is already on everyone's mind?) and informative.

One more example on this front: The kid mentions the Reapers when asked who is responsible, but instead of the interrogators asking who the reapers are, they seem to already know a goodly amount about them, making the dialogue come across a little fake. This is just my point of view, and I could be way off so hopefully someone will share their observations so I can learn if I'm even on base with my views, but I feel the dialogue could use some revision: an area that I think a lot of us have trouble working with(I know I do).

--Hope this helps!

Addendum: Oh, and if you add some line-spacing in between paragraphs it will be oh-so-much easier on the eyes of internet readers and make your work much more aesthetically appealing.

spider8

I think you could break up the dialogue a bit. i.e. '...Jed started to laugh.
The Captain watched for a moment, stunned at the cold glibness of Jeds reaction. Then, his emotions erupted 'How the hell can you laugh...'
Break it up just a bit, or else it can be rat-a-tat-tat. Lose that upper case sentence. Sometimes it read like you are just describing events visually as if to a blind person. Put some more thought into it, describe the characters motivations and thoughts. I suppose it didn't grip me and I'm looking for a reason why. Perhaps in starting this way, the characters are two-dimensional.

VengefulDistain

ok thanks for that

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SEX IN A BUCKET OF KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN!!!!

VengefulDistain

alright ill have another look at it and make some changes.

thanks

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SEX IN A BUCKET OF KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN!!!!