"Violence" Trilogy project - feedback please. - Writers Forum

Cernex · 07-15-2008, 10:55 PM

This is a conversation (well, 2/3 are conversation, the other is just me) I had with a good friend called Antraxx on a mandog.irc channel (#cv, in case you're wondering) not so long ago, about this whole idea I had for a story (and sequels!).

(NOTE: This ideas came up, in reality, thanks to Art of Fighting)

(NOTE 2: Sorry for the constant mistakes. But I was in a hurry at the last bits)

(NOTE 3: And sorry if some bits just made no sense. I improvised some bits as they came along. And also, those speeches between the brothers need some tweaking...)

(NOTE 4: Antraxx's bits and both nametags were removed due to his request, so the whole thing is (if he's to be believed) "easier to read")

Part 1 (Either "A violent week" or "7 days of violence")

It's a trilogy of sorts, the first chapter being called either "A violent week" or "7 days of violence" (I preffer this last one, but I think it has been used before)
In short
It deals with one man and his best friend (both martial artist... the "friend" being blind (lack of eyes and even eye sockets. Use glases all the time) are searching for the guy's girlfriend who was kidnapped
You know, really "cheap" and easy to write stuff
However
By the 7th day, the search takes them to the "main guy's" old dojo (he no longer practices the martial arts he once learned. He uses them, but mixed them with simple street brawling)
Were his little brother is waiting for him
(little as in, the main guy is around 22, the brother is 20)
or 18... I haven't decided yet
You see here, both of them were pretty close when they were children. However, when they both to practice martial arts, Kyle (that's the little brother) became very frustrated because he just couldn't keep up with Raul (both are mexican, the other was born on Holand... go guess)
It got to the point, however, that even when Kyle was making more hours than Raul, Raul was the one who always got congratulated.
To the point the dojo's master wanted to pass the dojo to him, not to Kyle
To everybody's surprise (and Kyle's rage, explained later on), Raul refuses
"I'm not interested in destiny's babble, I just want to fight and get money with it"
Kyle things it is his chance to bright now
shine
It isn't
Even with Raul outside the dojo, the master refusses to make Kyle his succesor
Which eventually leads Kyle to a rage and quits the dojo too
HOWVER
To his (Kyle's) thinking
IF he beats his brother, the dojo's master has no other way to go but to make him his succesor
And for this...
(Big plot twist here)
He hired a girl to act as Raul's girlfriend for a while only to get lost and lead him to were Kyle was
(As Raul would constantly refusse to fight him)
At the end...
(and in the process Raul beating a young soldier ("vital information to my girl's warebouts")... who ended up being an inverse trap: everybody thought it was a "he", he acted as a "he", he looked (somewhat) as a "he" (if only a bit feminine)... it ended up being a "she")
In any case...
Raul kicks Kyle's ass
To which point police arrive to the scene and arrest him
Raul no longer wants anything with his old girl (for more than damn obvius reasons) and both him and his buddy leave to a local bar for some cold beers
And that's the end of the first "arc"

"Gaiden" (Without a title, possible "Violent City" or simply "In the middle of violence")) and Part 2 ("14 Days of Violence")

The second one, which is an "outside story" (that means, a short story which is not part of the trilogy, but still has Raul, his buddy, and the army girl on it)
Deals with gang-wars and some secondary character from "7 days" being in the middle of it
In short
By the end, both the soldier girl and Raul come to terms and start to date, out of mutual respect and a strange bond forming on them
Specially since the girl isn't used to receive the kind of treatment Raul does
The "real" second chapter starts with Kyle in prision
Were he's not frustrated, but angry and pissed as hell
His cell-mate, and old guy apparently in for "murder", notices his inside rage and then says something odd to him
"I'm going to tell you a little secret: rage is like electricity. simple fire that runs trought wires and whatnot.
Your veins are those cables, and all you need to do is to learn how to use that inside fire to help you..."
The passing days, the old guy teaches Kyle how to make this fire (green, BTW)
And, a day comes were Kyle has learned enough and the old guy says "Now get out of here. This walls and the cops are no match for you. You get out, you're ready to kill however you want"
Kyle does, with great efficiency. The riot is heard in all the news, and causes one of most massive movements by the cops in hitory
(Obviously, they never get him)
The old guy?
After the whole mess is over, he simply steps out of his cell and gets out via a whole in the prission's wall, lits a ceeguhrrete that he found on a dead cop's body, and says "Well, about time I got out of this fuckhole"
In short: he only wanted to get out of that place
We fast foward a couple of months, were everything is going dandy with the new couple and the blind guy
In any case, Raul hears of a new fighting "mainstream" tournament that's going to be held on the city
Mainstream: Not that underground shit from the first KOF or Street fighter. Big buckos here, with TV cameras and all
Since he needs the money and thinks "it's going to be fun!" he enters the tournament. The blind one does, so to stay out of drugs (just like dr. House of Sherlock Holmes before him, if he's not doing "his think", he's an addict. Marihuana, this time)
Sortta legal. Since it officially a "vale tudo" tournament, "everything goes" except the most vital: deathANYWAY
ANYWAY (x2), the whole tournament goes as expected, with some members from "7 days" comming back to this new one as the price "plenty o' cash" is really tempting
Raul gets to the finals
By this point, however, the Blind man lost in the middle of the tournament and dissapeared
Worrying Raul a little bit, but not that much "He's surelly just depressed", he thinks
He starts worrying, however, when the soldier girl also stops answering her phone.
Everything goes to hell when he finds out that the celebration of his "final match" is going to be on his old dojo
Which, though he can udnerstand from a media-TV point of view ("My fighting roots"), he still finds ood
odd
In the dojo, everything goes pretty normal: old guys shaking hands, outograph singing
Thw works
However, the time comes for "the organizaer to deliver the money"
And out of two big doors
Comes Kyle himself, in a tuxedo this time (not his usual clothing)
(think of the guy with glasses in Justice School, except with real pants)
And no money
He shouts a very simple order
"Everybody out"
And every single person goes out inmediatly
Once again, the only left persons in that dojo are Raul and Kyle
Just like the time of "7 days"
And just as the time Kyle went out of the dojo
They talk (GASP!) and the converstaion goes to the point Kyle says "We will not fight here. This is a place of the past. A place I have no good memories about"
"You didn't came here to fight... you came here..."
And after producing a green fireball from his hand...
"TO WITNESS IT'S COMPLETE DESTRUCTION!"
BLAMMO!
The whole place explodes
With the brothers inside
Raul gets away barely, while Kyle is nowhere to be seen
Worried, Raul goes as fast as he can to the dojo's master bedroom, but it is too late: he's burned to a crisp.
However, he notices a note (lame pun) which seems that has just been put in there
"Don't worry. He was death before the explosion. I guess now he can't pick a successor, huh? We better pick one ourselves, at at out old house. I'll wait. So will your friends"
Raul doesn't looses a single second
Already at night
Raul goes as fast as he can to his old house (now abandoned too after the death of his parents)
Were he finds Kyle, waiting in the backyard
The whole thing starts quite pacific, with Kyle, while looking quite sadly to a dry tree, states "You know? My best memories of my life are here... how we used to play when we were kids, how we used to protect ourselves from bullies..."
"It was all a lot of fun, you know?"
"But that's in the past" Raul states
"And what's so bad about remembering the past?"
Raul changes the subject "Were are my friends?"
"You know what's funny?" Kyle says, not bothering answering "When we had just began on that dojo, I really respected you. Really, I did. You were quite good on it"
"WERE ARE MY FRIENDS!?" Raul asks again
"However, I could never understand how such a guy like could be liked by the dojo's master that much. I mean, I was stronger, faster, and had much more ability than you"
"We never fought in that dojo, but that was unfair, I never got a real chance to prove myself against you"
"JUST ANSWER THE BLOODY QUESTION!"
"But, you know? I was mistaken. Being the successor of such a lousy dojo... bah, I'm no longer interested"
"I discovered that the only reason why you beat me a couple of months ago was because I lacked focus, you know? I didn't knew how to really use what I had at my disposal..."
"But now I know..." finished Kyle with a wide grin which extends from ear to ear, a strange nightmarish look on his face, and his body emitting a bizarre green aura
"LISTEN TO ME YOU BASTARD! IF I FOUND OUT YOU HURT MY - --"
And Kyle looses it. "YOU DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, YOU UNGRATEFUL IDIOT! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT -YOU HEAR ME?- NO RIGHT OF DEMANDING ANYTHING FROM ME!"
"THANKS TO YOU, I NEVER HAD ANY ATTENTION, NOT MATTERING HOW MUCH I TRIED. I WAS NEVER RECOGNIZED, I WAS ALWAYS AS YOUR FUCKING SHADOW!"
"AND ONLY BECAUSE YOU WERE OLDER THAN ME? BULLSHIT! YOU NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE, ALL YOU WANTED AS THE ATTENTION BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU DESERVED IT, WHEN YOU NEVER DID!"
"You know what? I'll cut you a deal. You care so much about your friends? Beat me then. Beat me, and that would be it. DON'T..."
He finished once again
"And I'll do with them what I please..."
And then they fight...
In short
Kyle kicks Raul ass to the point Raul can no longer walk due to exhaustion
While Kyle is left almost unscratched
"Well, a deal is a deal" Kyle says "Now I'll whatever the fuck I want"
With a single, burning-green strike, he makes a whole in one of the houses' wall, leading to a room were both the blind man and the soldier girl are, gagged and all
It also sets the house slowly on fire, of course
He gets the girl out first
"You know? She's quite a piece. I could never tell, of course, because it just seems that I'm always training and working so hard to put any attention in girls... but you ought to know about girls, right? I wonder why?"
Kyle rises her to her knees, tears in her cheeks and all, and burns all her clothes, also burning her in the process
By this point, and to the (apparent) surprise of Kyle, the blind man gets lose and launches against him, ready to take him down
HOWEVER
Just as he is shouting
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF H - --"
BAM!
"SHUT THE FUCK UP"
A straight, burning hit to the blinds man's hearth
He just falls to the floor, and stops moving
The house, by this time, had become a wild lotus of green and orange flames
Although the soldier girl is crying and screaming her heart out, the flames aren't really burning her as fast as normal flames would: no burn gets beyond the 1st degree
Kyle puts his left had on her shoulder, and just like that, the flames go back to him
But he ain't stopping. Instead, he puts both his hands above and below the soldier girl's head
"I hope the experience was worth it, big brother"
He removes the gag from the soldier girl
"Because all the way, until this point, you've been ridding a wild roller coaster of fun and accomplishment, never really caring about anything"
"You marked my childhood, you marked my life"
"Don't.. .dare...." it's the only thing Raul gets to produce
"Now I'm going to mark your life"
"Too bad you got her involved"
"It's not... your fault..." a tired and exhausted soldier girl gets to say those final words"
And then
CRACK!
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
Kyle brakes the girl's neck, killing her instantly
"There we go. Now we are even"
Raul is screaming and trying to move, but to no avail
"Next time, big bro, when you harm somebody, be ready for karma to bite you back. It's a bitch"
"Now you can feel what I feel when you upstaged me my whole life"
And with that, and with the fire fighter's sirens getting closer and closer, he jumps the fence
And disappears into the night
The 3 friends all lying on the floor, and only one breathing...
TO BE CONTINUED...

On the next post

Cernex · 07-15-2008, 10:57 PM

Part 3 ("The End of Violence")

Quick Farting Fantastically to 3 months
Kyle's pretty much a rich bastard thanks to some money laundry deals he made with underground gangs, and the successful tournament business which made a lot of money
It's also worth saying that the fact he had an almost paralytic brother due to a "freak accident with a gas pipe in his old house" also made him kind of a martyr to the media
(Yes, he has a "decent" public figure)
Raul, of course, is now as powerless as fuck
The blind man is on a coma and nobody knows when he's coming out
The girl's pretty much dead
And he's on a wheelchair and some backwater hospital nobody knows about
Due to his "little brother" special orders, he lives a somwhat mediocre life in this place
He's not tortured nor anything
Just "ignored"
And, quite literally "left to rot on his own sadness"
Raul, now a shadow of his former self, does mostly nothing with this new "life", too depressed to do anything
However, one day, he falls from his chair after failing to pick his plate of food (normally trowed from a little gap at the door)
And hits his own head
And here comes the "Oh noes, Jacob's Ladder!" moment
He receives a vision
A shadowy figure is in front of him
It doesn't take even a second for Raul to know who he is
"Master..."
His old, orange-clothed master cuts the chatter. "When I told you you were going to be my successor, why did you refused?"
"I... I told ya' before: I wasn't interensted... I "
"No, I mean, why did you REALLY refused"
Raul doesn't answer
"Listen Raul, perhaps I made a mistake... perhaps, you weren't ready just yet, and maybe that's the reason you were afra - --"
"NO!" Raul screams. "I wasn't afraid, I... I ..."
"I failed" his master continued "To take in account the fact you were still a kid. The responsibility of continuing the legacy on our dojo... I failed to realize I was asking too much back at the time... "
Raul once again doesn't answers
"But you need to understand something: mistakes in life are there to be fixed. I... was flawed in that I never thought Kyle would go to such limits..."
"But you... you still think you can avoid responsibilities, right? You still think there's a place out there were you can live without a worry, right?"
Raul doesn't answers. His master is reading him like a open book
"Raul, we must have responsibilities for our actions. The bad and the good ones. The problem is, your own irresponsibility created the monster that Kyle now is"
Raul sees him in both anger and despair. "What? I would never - --"
"When you refused to complete your training, Kyle went up to be overcame by the fury and frustration that were already building inside of him. He says he was obsessed with becoming my successor, when it reality, he only wanted to be YOUR successor"
"WHAT?"
"To be what you were, to be what he never wasn't. But that wasn't meant to be. Kyle's feelings always win over his judgment. that's the big difference"
"You must fix your mistakes. You must stop your brother"
"You must do what you were supposed to do in the begging of everything"
"You must complete your training. And then, only then, you will be able to stop your brother"
"You must stop doing the same mistakes I and Kyle did. Don't let your feelings cloud your judgment"
And with that last phrase, he wakes up
"But I... I can't even walk" he thinks to himself
Realizing nobody is going to come to pick him up any soon, he struggles with the very own bag of bones that his body has become, and he (barely) manages to back up to his chair
Gasping for air, he finally comes to a conclusion"
"I'm getting out of here"
As the days pass on, he struggles to get back to his very own two feet. Nobody's helping him, and he know nobody will. His only fuel now is his thirst for revenge and the memory of that Solider Girl.
After 6 months of hardships, he finally manages to stand up and walk a couple of steps. He then proceeds to sit on his bed, of course, due to his legs still not responding
"But now" he thinks. "It's only a matter of time"
More time passes, and his feet are almost back to normal. The doctor in the shift, by a matter of sheer luck, didn't knew of the deal Kyle had with the directives.
So after finally realizing he wasn't a friggin' vegetable anymore, he goes out of there in his own two legs.
"Watch your back doc" Raul says as he leaves the hospital "I think it would be better for you to leave this town"
When the doctor asked, quite annoyed, the why, he simply answered "because powerful people paid lot of money for me
to rot in that place. I'm not rotting anymore. They'll look for somebody to do it in my place out of pure anger"
Raul then leaves, never to return
The doctor, though confused, decides not to risk it and ask for his vacation time (which was coming anyway). That very night, when they weren't around, his house exploded
He never returns to that town ever again
Returning to his old city, Raul finds himself, for the first time in years, truly alone and with nowhere to go. He can't go and fight in street fights for money as he isn't even near the physical state he used to be, and his brother was surely going to be looking for him, so he had to act, and fast.
For his own strange luck, though the burned dojo had been demolished and replaced with another building long time ago (around 1 and a half year had passed since the second chapter)
The old garden was still there, though in a new home.
Jumping the fence (apparently both brothers have the same ability) at night, he manages to dig out a medium-sized box. HE jumps back to the street, and opens the box
His dojo suit... the suit he was supposed to use when he had grown up, photos, and old scrolls from the dojo... everything was there.
Realizing staying in the city would be quite stupid, he retires to were him used to go to practice when there weren't any classes on the dojo
The (stereotypic) MOUNTAINS!
Alone, he spends the rest year and a half retuning to his first ever self. Only hard training, meditation,and survival on the wild (he had done that before)
After that, he isn't the flimsy guy who was stuck to that wheelchair anymore, nor he's the guy who lost to his brother 3 and a half years ago
He's now, truthfully, the real (and last student too) successor of his master
for the first time in... well, a lot of time, he goes into the city once again. He know that, by this time, his brother is surely going to make another tournament, and realizes that "Kyle's ego is too big to refuse the idea of another fight with me"
Most people, however, are more shocked by the fact this tournament is going to have the champion of the last one: Joseph Croshtmanx.
Of course, the possibilities of the first-ever (and official) champion of the first tourney, Raul Fernandez, and the champion of the newest one were hyped to hell
A fight between them, I mean
Though most people couldn't understand how the wheelchair-bound Raul could be waling and in fighting condition after only a couple of years, Kyle simply refused to talk of the subject with the media, stating that "Well, the doctors are good on their job, what do you want me to do?"
Of course, on his inside, he's burning with more rage than before
The tourney goes as its usual, with both Croshtmanx and Raul getting to the finals
The match was pretty close, but Raul got the upper hand and won in the end
It was the "last bit" of the tournament, however, that really worried Raul
As he know the moment to "fix his own mistakes" was coming, and fast
Couple of days later, a secretary knocks on his hotel door (were he's staying), and only says "Mr. Fernandez is waiting. Please, come with me"
Helicopter night. Couple of hours later,they arrive at the (this time it is!) top Lazarus Tower.
Kyle's waiting, once again.
As the helicopter leaves, both men just stare at each other.
Kyle finally speaks. "I don't get it. You shouldn't even be here. This matter is settled, and I have more important things to take care of"
Raul doesn't answers
"You're a ghost from a past I don't want to remember. You and what you represent... it's just disgusting to me"
Raul then just says "Kyle, listen, you're my brother, and nothing is going to erase that. But you destroyed everything that was important to me, you left my best friend as a vegetable and killed the girl I loved. You destroyed everything I cared about. And that's something I'm not going to forgive"
"Listen to yourself!" Kyle screams, with a weird sarcastic tone. "You think you have any right to reclaim me those things?! I only did what was FAIR to do! You think I'm going to stay here and swallow this whole act you have, dressed with your old dojo outfit and whatnot? You're nothing but a shadow of your former self, and now I'm somebody, and there's no way that's going to change"
"Listen. All this needs to stop, now. You know better than anybody than all this killing and stealing just can't go on. I CAN'T let it go on. We were both students in the same dojo, you know why I'm saying this"
"Please, save that shit for people who actually care about it. I'm above that now. I don't care about it any longer. I wanted to end this in a good manner, but I see you think you have a chance against me"
"It's time we both do what me must... what we should had done years ago, Kyle!" Raul screams.
"Don't preach me, you hypocrite son of a bitch" Kyle says. "You ruined and stopped my life year after year. You have no right to even think you deserve to beat me"
Raul, once again, says anything, and only gets on his guard
Kyle says. "Very well, this is unavoidable... bring it"
They both fight with all their might. Although at the begging of the fight Kyle gets the upper hand quite easily
He soon finds out his brother is no longer the guy who fought way back: he's somebody else
Completely different
Almost as if he was seeing...
His old dojo master fighting with infinite strength and precision
By the middle of the fight, both sides are evenly match, if only Kyle is slightly more tired due to fact he went "full-speed ahead" at the begging of the fight
Both sides now have their shirts either burned or destroyed, and are full of bruises, cuts, and burns
By the time the fight is getting to its end, Kyle is slowly and slowly growing more frustrated, angrier, and desperate. He uses his power in disorder, no longer focusing as much as he was.
Raul, on the other hand, never lost his focus
"Why... you... just... don't... DIE!" screams a frustrated Kyle.
BAM!
A quick, solid hit to the base of his stomach in a moment of distraction.
"Kyle, stop this, please" Raul says. "This has gone long enough!"
Kyle, however, now simply can't think straight. His rage and frustration have taken over. "You... ungrateful... SON OF A BITCH!"
And trows himself towards Raul with everything he has.
However, he fails in his attempt and Raul still has the upper hand.
"I.. can't... let... you... win... you... CAN'T... win!" screams Kyle in between breaths
BAM!
Another hit. This time, a quick jumping kick to he head. Kyle goes flying towards the other side of the terrace.
A long moment of tense silence later, Raul screams "It's over now, brother!"
however, Kyle's green fiery aura returns (with a vengeance!), this time bigger than never. He stands up, almost as he was now fury itself. "NO! IT WONT END THIS WAY! IT CAN'T! IT WILL NOT!"
"LISTEN BROTHER!" Raul screams "It doesn't have to end this way. Just get away from the past, stop being ruled and chained by it. Take you own decisions!"
"FUCK!" his aura explodes in the form of a hellish phoenix. "YOU!"
His turns into a green, giant, raging phoenix, running full speed ahead to destroy his older brother once and for all.
Raul, on the other side of the terrace, starts focusing his energy into both of his hands
The technique he had never really mastered. The technique he was so afraid of...
This was it. It was now or never.
He got into position and on a sudden move, extended his hand in front of him
(Yes, like a Ha-Do-Ken... :/ )
Screamed something in-desifrable (Aoh-so-ko ken?)
And a giant ball of energy appeared from his hand, the blast going full speed ahead (too) against Kyle himself
Kyle wasn't fast enough. All he could do was stare in amazement as the giant blast of energy went closer and closer to him by the heartbeat, almost like an approaching sun
His fire, his own raging fire, being consumed by this sun...
And then, they both crashed
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
BOOM!
The sun exploded, sending Kyle's body to the air only for him to crash on the floor shortly afterwards. He wasn't moving.
"Damnit Kyle... why?!"
Raul was just too tired to continue. He let himself fall to his knees as he resisted his tired and wounded body
desire to rest.
But the battle wasn't over.
Kyle, groggily, stood up one last time.
Raul just couldn't believe it. He had authentically given his all.
Tired, he stood up to, ready for the worst.
"I told you..." Kyle said "You can't win..."
"YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WIN! DO YOU HEAR ME!? YOU DON'T DESERVE TO - --" his aura exploded again
Except this time...
CRASH!
It took the floor below him with it
"WUAH!"
Kyle fell trough the new edge of the building...
Or at least he had, if Raul hadn't grabbed his hand in the last second as the floor crumbled below both.
"Kyle! Hold on! I'm here!"
However, this is the final straw for Kyle
His face fills with his unending fury one last time
Charges his fire in his free hand
"DIE!"
And swings
However, he mises and the swing makes him lose his balance, at the same time, making him loose his grip.
Then.
"NO! IT'S NOT FAIR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo*!
He falls to the pavement, only for the crumble to fall both below and above him in the process
People say they only say a green line, almost like a thunder made out of fire, fall from the tower that day.
In the end, Raul couldn't save his brother.-
Too tired to go on, he let himself fall to the floor, but he can't avoid himself shedding a tear for his death brother.
Then, he passes out from exhaustion.
We fast forward a couple of months now.
Raul, bandaged and all, can be seen starting a new life, re-building his old master dojo to teach a new generation his knowledge. Not only of the martial arts, but also life, and specially, how to avoid the very same mistakes he did.
We can also see Raul spending a lot of time in the graveyard, mourning for that young soldier girl, and talking with her several hours, actually.
He also mourns the dead of his old teacher and master
The blind man, luckily, eventually got out of the coma. He now dedicates to manage the dojo. His friendship with Raul is still the same.
However
There's something else
Kyle's body...
(DUN DUN DUN!)
Was never found.
TEH' END!
(for now)

El Cernex

Vincent Santa Cruz · 07-16-2008, 03:44 AM

Any idea can be a good idea; then again, any idea can be a bad idea. It all depends on how you present it. Here you have scenes in little detail, and more unsaid than said.

The only thing I can say is it might be good, but it might be terrible. It all depends on how you craft it.

People can tell more if you maybe write a first chapter?