Miss_Fox

Ben was my boyfriend, an IT systems manager who had an extremely busy job. He often worked twelve-hour days; we’d been together for two years and had been living together for six months. Ben was a fantastic guy, he knew what he wanted out of life and he went out of his way to reach his potential. He had the sexiest blue eyes and the cutest smile, even when I was mad at him he was hard to resist, but I knew whatever it was he would make it up to me in bed. As luck would have it, I wasn’t the only one getting it. Two months ago, his job became more demanding, he was in the office longer than normal on some days and his work would sometimes call him out on a Saturday morning, I thought nothing of it until one night Ben called me.

“Hey sweetie, the system went down completely today, I have to fix the problem but I’m not going to be done for another hour or so.”

I remember feeling really sympathetic towards him, “Aww babe, that sucks. I’ve hardly seen you this week you’ve been so busy.”

“I know babe, I’ll make it up to you. I’ll be home before nine. You warm that bed up for me. I love you.”

So I hung up thinking nothing of it, it was nothing out of the ordinary. I began thinking, what will he have for his dinner, I didn’t want the poor guy to starve so I got in my Corsa and drove to his office, stopping at the local Chinese along the way.

As I entered the office I could see no one was around. I could see one of the office lights on. As I walked closer I could hear noises, which sent butterflies to my stomach. I began walking slower. The closer I got the louder the noises, two people having furious sex. I felt myself turn white. Please tell me I’ve walked into the wrong office. The moans and groans got louder when I heard the female moan my boyfriend’s name. I entered the door way and there were the female’s lace top stocking covered legs open spread across the desk being fucked by my boyfriend. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I dropped the Chinese food. The sweet and sour chicken began to leak all over the floor.

“The IT systems went down did they Ben?”

He stopped, panicked, seemed really shocked and looked at me, he turned white. He followed pulling his pants up on the way.

“It... It’s not what you think.”

I looked at him with such disgrace. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was shaking hard. Most of all, I can’t believe he just said ‘It’s not what you think’.

“So...you weren’t just in there fucking your secretary? No?”

He couldn’t answer so in a cowardly way he looked down. I turned to face him, fury waiting in my fist.

“How long has this been going on?”

He couldn’t answer me. He rubbed his hands through his hair. I could tell this definitely wasn’t a one off. Maybe this was the new demand, which had him working so late. All this time and never once was I suspicious. I trusted a man who was secretly screwing the office bike.

“Right...you know what Ben, you and your dirty slut Secretary can go back there and fuck each other until your heart is content because you and me, are through!”

That night I walked out of his office and I walked out of his life for good. I didn’t fall down and cry. I was heartbroken but I knew what I had to do. I left the house we rented together along with my clothes, CDs and DVDs, anything that was rightfully mine. Oh and the laptop he bought for us. I found a picture of us and tore it to pieces leaving the remains on the bed as Ben walked through to door.

I had to get out, and get away. I called my parents and my closest friends telling them I was coming home. They were just as shocked as I was, however I didn’t tell them what I saw, I just gave the bare minimum of information.
After a long four hour journey from Kent to Warrington, I stepped off the train wearing a nervous smile pulling along my stupidly heavy luggage case. But what more can you expect when you’ve crammed what you can from your life in to one suitcase! I looked through the crowds of people but I couldn’t see my friends anywhere.

“KATE!! KATE!! Over here!!” Someone shouted.

I raised my head, there they were, all three of them in their winter coats, gloves, scarves. I didn’t realise how cold it was but then it suddenly hit me. A cold wave shot right through me. I burst in to tears, unable to control the emotion. Suddenly they realised I’ve stopped in my tracks and all run over towards me.

“Aww sweetie, you’ll be alright”

Sarah wrapped her arm across my shoulder. Clare took my luggage and Jane held tightly on to my hand. We walked into the coffee shop. Jane ordered our drinks and moments later the waitress drinks over our café lattes. Sarah leaned over and whispered to see how I was feeling. I just looked down in my drink and let out a small smile. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

I can feel myself becoming frustrated that we couldn’t work things out. I stirred some sugar into my drink then slammed the silver spoon onto the table. I put my head in my hands and burst in to tears once more.

Sarah picks up the spoon and wipes the area of the table dry before putting the spoon on the saucer of my cup; she always has been so picky and tidy about things. “Kate, you’re a really strong girl, and we’re all here for you. How about after this, we take you back to my place, we’ll unpack your stuff and have a girly day…all day!”

I kept thinking to myself, she’s right. I just needed to calm down for one second and get Ben out of my mind, but then I started worrying, what if I’d rushed it. I could have tried to stay and work it out. He didn’t exactly stop me from leaving, he watched me leave in the taxi and that was it. I sip up what is left of my drink and enlighten the atmosphere with a positive smile.

We went back to Sarah’s place in Birchwood. She’s worked since finishing high school when we were 16 and now she’s 21, all grown up and renting her own place. The house is very relaxing, she’s so sweet, I couldn’t have asked for a better friend. She had put all my favourite possessions in the guest room. My new room until I could put my feet firmly on the ground again. She knew how much I love the smell of vanilla, and there were large vanilla candles on the dressing table and a picture of the two of us from when we were 3. I hung my coat loosely on the back of the door and slowly started to unpack my clothes into the set of drawers. I pulled out my precious photo album, I have an urge to peek through knowingly aware of the photos inside that could break me into tears but I knew I had to be strong. I’d done the right thing.

After having finally unpacked all my clothes, and changed ready for a night out with the girls. I placed my filofax on the dressing table and sat on the stool staring at myself in the reflection of the antique mirror. I opened my filofax on today’s date. ‘March 22nd – Its over’ Sarah knocked on the door, I quickly closed the filofax as she entered.

“Is everything alright, you’re not looking through your organiser for work things again, I’ve told you once, you already work hard enough, its Saturday you can relax!”

I smile, I’m lying “I know, you know me. I’m a workaholic! I can’t let my boss down!”

Actually, she didn’t know me that well. Things felt different between us now, at first it felt as though the only thing we had in common was our past and how long we’d spent together but I came to realise its more than that. She was still the same Sarah she had always been. We’d been so close all our life. We’d known each other since before I can even remember. I don’t even know how we became friends, I just remember us staying at one of our houses every Friday night. We’d gone up so many mountains and fell deep into so many seas. I always did what I could to be there whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to rant to about something that’s bugging her so much. She’d always been here for me too. But since moving away, and committing myself to Ben, we sort of lost touch. We were always just on the end of the phone to each other and really, only an hours drive away.

“You won’t, he’ll totally understand. Now, come on you, put the filofax down and come downstairs with me and everyone else”

I looked at myself one last time in the mirror, adjust the back on my halter neck top, checked my hair is sleek and took a peek to see if my bum really did look that good in these jeans. I couldn’t help but admit to myself how pert and nicely rounded it is. We left the guest room, and made our way downstairs. Jane and Clare were in the kitchen. I couldn’t help but notice the raspberry and vodka shots they have already laid out for us. I smiled and laughed. Finally back to our old routes again. 4 friends, young, single. I walked towards the shots.

“Ok then girls if we’re going to do this, we’re going to do this properly. Everyone ready? Ok great! To being young, single and free to do whatever we want! 3…2…1”

Eurgh, that’s vile but to hell with it! We were going out to Coca Cabaña that night. It’s a nightclub in Manchester. Apparently it was the place to be seen or at least that’s what the magazines had said.

Jane slammed her shot down, pulling a face that looks as though she was about to be sick, “Fucking hell, that’s sour!” she wiped her mouth trying not to laugh.

Claire smiled, “I thought it was alright! I’d be up for another one!”

Sarah started pouring more shots for us again, “£9.99 from the corner shop, its quite alright if you ask me. Now, come on get this down your necks!”

We all raised our glasses, Sarah smiled ready to toast “To getting absolutely larruped!!” We all shoved the liquid down our throats slamming the glasses on the table. That really is vile but it could be worse, Sarah always had alcohol in the house, she always did when we were younger. We only really started to drink when we were 14, when at that age it was the thing to be doing. I remember the time we all took up smoking because we thought it made us look mature. Looking back, we just looked like council estate kids whose parents are home getting smacked up on drugs from the benefits they claim on a weekly basis. Its pathetic what you do as kids, and how much you notice it when you’re older.

Claire looked slightly confused, “Its dead weird, when you were younger, like before you turn eighteen, you desperately want to drink alcohol and be able to get into nightclubs, but when you turn eighteen its boring, you’re not that bothered about drinking or about getting in to clubs.”

I totally knew what she was saying. Before I was eighteen I was too afraid to even attempt to get into a nightclub. It was only on my eighteenth birthday I actually went. Since then, I think I’ve maybe only been out to clubs on about four nights. I’m twenty, well I’ll be twenty-one in two months, so it isn’t like I’ve missed out on much. I’m still young, we all are.

The taxi beeped outside; we all grabbed our bags and checked ourselves out in the mirror one last time. I started heading towards the door, stop and turn back remembering something.

“I know this might be a silly question, but everyone has I.D. now don’t they?”

They all looked at me like I’m stupid. I smiled slightly embarrassed. I pull out my passport, they all put out there drivers licenses. We leave the house ready for our first night out on the town in well-over 6 months.

I came to realise the important aspects in life. My friends and my family. When Ben and I got together, I spent less and less time with these people. I decided it was time to stop being so emotional, getting involved with people so quickly. I needed to become a new person and I needed to start having fun, spend more time with the people who have always been there for me.

It wasn't too long after that night that I decided start keeping this diary, over the coming months you’ll see how things changed.

WriterJohnB

I've read over both your posts and it was difficult to keep going. You're writing every little detail about the lives of people who are so, so ordinary. Lots of people are hurt by unfaithful lovers, what is there about this one that makes it worth reading about? And that's not what we're getting anyway. The reader gets nothing but details about things that have nothing to do with the story.

It starts out with a paragraph of "tell." Start off with his excuse (2nd para) and fill in all those details after you've got the reader hooked. Or just start with her walking in with the Chinese food and finding she's been had. And - a problem with first person narration - we have no description of the main character, so how are we to relate to her?

It's also very difficult to read because you change tense often. And you need to proofread: "moments later the waitress drinks over our café lattes."

You've got the foundation of a good story here. But it's about ten times too long. But you know what? I said all these same things about my daughter's first chapter, too. The writer's group I joined said the same things about the first chapter of the first novel I wrote. I say them to almost all beginners. Just hang in there, listen to criticism and your writing skills will improve. So, I hope my comments will help.

Take care,

JohnB

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http://www.johnbushore.com

Miss_Fox

Thanks John, I'm working on it This I wrote in August 2006. I know it needs a major re-think and re-write...! It's also a first chapter rather than a full story, I keep forgetting to mention xxx