Thread: Killer ( Flash Fiction)

Killer

She heard his footsteps on the stairs. A few more seconds and the door knob would turn. Early morning light was streaming rather brightly through the gauze curtains of her bedroom window. She laid still and calm, allowing the serenity of the room with its whitewashed walls and simple furnishing to fill her spirit. It was really a lovely room. How lucky she was to have it all to herself. How comfortable she felt atop the feather bed with the handmade quilts. All the nicer if she could just bring her left arm down to rest with her body. But that was impossible with the handcuff. She rolled lazily on to her left side to face the door just as it opened.
He arrived as he did at this time every morning, pushing the door open first, and then quietly, slowly entering the room. He held the revolver with both hands, carried low but ready if needed. From her angle in bed, she saw the gun first. Dull steel, his finger wrapped around the trigger.
“Good morning”, he said.
Her eyes traveled methodically from the gun in her captors hands, upward along his hairy forearms, to his shoulders, finally resting on his bearded face. He had a bushy brown beard and longish hair to match. His eyes were a royal blue that would catch anyone’s attention right away. He was a very handsome man.
She didn’t return his greeting. It wouldn’t change anything. She could be charming or she could be indifferent, and the day would still develop much the same as the ones before. She would make breakfast for them both while he watched, gun cocked and ready to thwart any escape attempt. She would scrub the countertops, and sweep the floor. If it was Friday, she would also mop. If it was Wednesday she would be locked in the empty room off the kitchen with baskets of laundry to fold. When she was well behaved, she would be allowed to sit, handcuffed, in the easy chair next to the living room window for an hour or two and look outside. She especially enjoyed the view of the heavily wooded property in the autumn months when she could watch the leaves change from green to shades of red and gold. Often the window would be raised and she could even feel the crisp fall breeze through the screen.

He tossed the key and it landed just beside her. She rolled onto her back and grabbed the key with her right hand, then reached over and unlocked the cuff around her other hand.
He leaned against the wall beside the doorway and waited while she slipped out from under the covers and put on her robe. He followed her every move, the gun raised a little higher now as she began to shuffle around.
She found her slippers and brushed her hair. When she was done, he motioned for her to exit the room.
“Slowly”, he said.
She moved deliberately to the doorway as ordered, and stepped out of the bedroom. He was behind her immediately and she felt the familiar point of the gun in her lower back.

“What would you like for breakfast today?” she asked as they moved downstairs and into the kitchen.
“Eggs and toast. “
He took his seat at the table, keeping the gun held on her.
“Your coffee is by the sink” he said. She picked up her mug of lukewarm coffee. She hadn’t had hot coffee in years. It was the only thing that could travel faster than a bullet.
She took a long sip and stared out the kitchen window for a moment. Then she sat the cup down and grabbed eggs, milk, butter and bread from the refrigerator. The butter melted in a skillet on the stove while she whisked together the milk and eggs. Out of the corner of her eye she could see him staring at her. How is it he was never distracted? Would he never tire of intimidating her? She poured the eggs into the skillet and dropped bread down into the toaster, rubbing her left wrist while the eggs cooked.

“Must’ve twisted around in my sleep last night” she thought. There was a tender crease just below the palm of her hand where the cuff had gotten snug.
His cell phone rang and she jumped.
“Take it easy”, he said. She didn’t respond but instead grabbed a plastic spatula to turn the eggs while he took the call, never taking his eyes off of her.
“Hello” he said.
She stirred the eggs. The toast was done. He was standing up.
Without turning her head, she looked sideways to see his movement. He was backing away from the table now, into the rear wall of the kitchen.
“No, that can’t be true”, he said to the caller.” I just saw him last night. He can’t be gone. Not yet.”

“It’s his father,” she thought to herself. His father had been in the hospital for nearly a month with a terminal illness. The details escaped her just now. She knew his parents lived somewhere about an hour away with the boys because he often talked about them while she gazed out the window in the afternoons.
She put his eggs on a plate with toast and turned toward the table. He had lowered himself to the floor now and sat in a slumped position on the floor, his head hanging low.
Her heart skipped a beat. Where was the gun? He was holding only his phone now.
“Dad is dead” he said. He was clearly distraught.
Her eyes darted to the table where she saw the gun sitting beside his coffee cup. In two quick motions, she set the plate down and skillfully secured the gun, backing up two steps and pointing it directly at his forehead.
He looked at her dully.
Her mind raced. She would pull the trigger and release the bullet. She was only five feet from him so the impact would be extreme. Messy. His head would likely explode and blood would splatter in several directions, covering the wall, her robe, his eggs.
She smiled at the image and pulled the trigger.
Click.
Nothing happened. No noise, no blood, no excitement.
Their eyes met. He hadn’t moved.
“It isn’t loaded,” he said.” It never has been. Why do you think I keep you locked up?
I’m not the killer Sarah. You are.”

Hi. I'm not really an expert and I don't analyse every sentence to find mistakes and errors, but overall I thought this was an interesting piece. One thing I would say is that it would be good to have had a bit more information about how the two characters know eachother, but I realise this is hard in a flash fiction piece. I imagined that they were brother and sister because of the line 'Dad is dead', although I realise I could be very wrong.
The ending was good though, an unexpected twist.

I really like how fast the narrative moves, although a little more setup rather than dialogue would be nice.

I'm trying to come up with a criticism of this story and I'm at a loss. My only observations involve mere word choice and punctuation. Meh.

He arrived as he did at this time every morning, pushing the door open first, and then quietly, slowly entering the room.

This is a bit awkward. How's this:

He arrived as he did at this time every morning, pushing the door open, then quietly slipping into the room.

“Your coffee is by the sink” he said.

Should be:
“Your coffee is by the sink,” he said.

She picked up her mug of lukewarm coffee. She hadn’t had hot coffee in years. It was the only thing that could travel faster than a bullet.

I don't get this. I doubt that thrown coffee travels faster than a handgun bullet. Am I missing something?

“Must’ve twisted around in my sleep last night” she thought.

Should be:
“Must’ve twisted around in my sleep last night,” she thought.

“Take it easy”, he said.

Should be:
“Take it easy,” he said.

“Hello” he said.

Should be:
“Hello,” he said.

“No, that can’t be true”, he said to the caller.” I just saw him last night. He can’t be gone. Not yet.”

Should be:
“No, that can’t be true,” he said to the caller. “I just saw him last night. He can’t be gone. Not yet.”

“It’s his father,” she thought to herself.

Don't use quote marks for internalizations. I don't like 'thinker's tags' either, but that's a slightly controversial criticism. I'd rewrite as follows:
It’s his father, she thought.

“Dad is dead” he said.

Should be:
“Dad is dead,” he said.

“It isn’t loaded,” he said.” It never has been. Why do you think I keep you locked up?

I'm a little confused here. What words belong to 'him,' and what thoughts belong to 'her'? Do you mean this:
“It isn’t loaded,” he said. “It never has been. Why do you think I keep you locked up?”

I’m not the killer Sarah. You are.”

Maybe this?
“I’m not the killer, Sarah. You are.”

On the one hand, I agree with Soup and Bruce--I'm dying to know more about what's going on between these two in your story. But on the other hand, I really like the sense of mystery you're created. I'm afraid that more detail would destroy that mystery.

I can say this: for someone that's been held captive "for years," the woman doesn't seem all that afraid of her captor.

. . . . But the more I think about it, the more I think that that was your intention.

Good job.

Without knowing exactly what you're looking for in way of criticism, I would say that the only thing I found out of place was this sentence:

It was the only thing that could travel faster than a bullet.

I don't necessarily conclude that the two are siblings. They could be husband and wife. They could be estranged friends. I get the impression that she's been his prisoner for a while and although it's not implicitly stated - because we've never witnessed a full day between them - he might be the sort to talk and might've shared information about his sick father.

I guess I should also state that I enjoyed it. I like the twist at the end a lot.

Thanks everyone for reading and for your critique. I appreciate every word. It is so helpful to understand how another reader imagines the connection of the two characters and i can use the punctuation and sentence structure reminders! This was an exercise for me to write a flash fiction piece and keep it under 1100 words. I've never tried anything like this before and its pretty tricky to create something and have to keep editing to reduce the word count without sacrificing the wrong bits. I am going to revise again based on everyone's helpful comments. so nice to have such a forum

This is the first time i,v done this so forgive me if i mess up! As i read the narrative i found alittle to much attension to detail of making breakfast and not enough information about the characters and where it was leading. I wanted to know more about what was going on and why ? Maybe this is what i was suppose to want ? If so it worked for me, i enjoyed the twist at the end so all in all yes it was a wonderful little peice. Which i assume it what it was suppose to be. As for punctuation etc etc i,m hopeless so i,m sure the above critic was right !!