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I'm gonna try the challenge this year!
The changes I suggest would give the piece more movement, more immediacy. Your version reads matter-of-factly and what you want, I think, is incitement,
Just ordered a microwave bed...You get 8 hours sleep in 5 minutes...
Cyclone of skulls
Circling mouths behind an abyss
Spectral things, hypnotizing and fiendish
One after the other, they climb into