• 01/11/2012 - LM - Another Corporate Takeover - Scores

    LITERARY MANEUVERS
    Another Corporate Takeover


    A big thank you to everyone who participated and an even bigger thank you to our judges, Bazz Cargo, Lasm, and DuKane for taking the time out of their lives to review the entries. Thanks also goes out to Jon M for the suggested prompt.


    Scores
    Fin Lasm Bazz Cargo DuKane Average
    Arcopitcairn 12 14.5 15 13 13.62
    KarKingJack 14 12 14 15 13.75
    Leyline 18 18 19 19 18.5
    Terry D 17 17 18 18 17.5
    rubisco 13 14 17 12 14
    anonick 12 13.5 18 11 13.62
    Anna Buttons 17 17.5 19 16 17.37
    TheFuhrer02 14 10.5 18 16 14.62
    Cadence 16 12.5 19 13 15.12
    Jon M 18 18.5 18 15 17.37
    DuKane n/a n/a n/a n/a Judge
    spartan928 13 13.5 17 16 14.87
    dolphinlee 15 15.5 17 19 16.62


    In third place, we have a tie between Jon M with his entry Future Perfect, and Anna Buttons with her entry Yet Another Corporate Takeover.
    In second, we have Terry D with his entry Hostile Takeover.
    And finally, in first, a big congratulations to Leyline with his entry Gifted and Talented.


    Congratulations to the winners, and a thank you to everyone else for a good read.



    Fin's scores:

    1. Arcopitcairn
      "Prince Dreamshine and Fufflemuff at an Island"
      Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
      Tone/Voice: 3/5
      Effect: 6/10
      Overall: 12


      The only grammatical mistakes I saw were with the dialogue. Instead of a period before the end quotation mark, there should a comma.

      Nothing all that deep. Although, I see your dialogue skills have been improving. I don't even know if this is possible, so don't take it too seriously, but I felt there were too many adjectives. Too much explanation, if you will.

      As for the actual story, didn't really seem like an end goal in sight. Just another day, strolling along with the adventures of Fufflemuff and Dreamshine. I can't criticize that, as it appears that's what you're going for. But I'm looking for more.

      ---
    2. KarKingJack
      "Another Corporate Takeover"
      Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
      Tone/Voice: 3/5
      Effect: 7/10
      Overall: 14


      Saw no grammatical errors. Point off because it was nothing out of the box or unordinary. That's not necessarily a bad thing, so it's not something you have to worry about changing.

      What I saw here is what I often see with short stories. It feels as if this is more of an outline than anything else. Fixed if you took the direction of the story somewhere else, or focused more on parts of the story that were skipped. The characters might as well have been nameless due to me not connecting with any of their feelings. I didn't know the characters enough. Seems like everything needed to get to know them was skipped. Initially I wasn't even sure where love came into all this.

      I understand that it's a limited word count, but that's up to you to figure out. Treat your story as if it exists outside of what you've written, then choose the part of the story that would give someone something to care about.

      ---
    3. Leyline
      "Gifted & Talented"
      Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
      Tone/Voice: 4/5
      Effect: 9/10
      Overall: 18


      Definitely an out of the box idea. Not only that, it felt like a story that was built around the prompt, rather than the prompt just thrown in. Even further, it felt like a full story. We got it all. The past, present, and idea of the future. The characters played their parts well, and you gave life to that little 'army' very nicely.

      I have no complaints. It was a fantastic story. Great job.

      ---
    4. Terry D
      "Hostile Takeover"
      Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
      Tone/Voice: 5/5
      Effect: 9/10
      Overall: 17


      Only grammatical error I saw was in the second sentence of this. Missing comma in there.

      You handled this well. Built the story around the prompt rather than throwing the prompt in there. Things got a bit weird towards the end, and I liked it. It opened the door for an expansion of the universe; something I didn't expect. All new problems imagined up, so many different directions the story can now take.

      ---
    5. Rubisco
      Burrito Day
      Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
      Tone/Voice: 3/5
      Effect: 7/10
      Overall: 13


      Well that escalated pretty fast. I did not expect the story to go in that direction. You shocked me. A very interesting motive they had, as well.

      Was a bit odd to see a grown man being described as giggling. That just added more to the silly tone this whole story had.

      Couple mistakes with the spacing throughout this. Future reference, no editing after 10 minutes. You can be disqualified for doing so. Fortunately for you, I read this before the edit, and the only noticeable change was your stating of the word count.

      ---
    6. Anonick
      "All your base belong to us"
      Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
      Tone/Voice: 3/5
      Effect: 6/10
      Overall: 12


      It felt the word It was being said too much. I understand why it was, but that doesn't mean you couldn't have found a better way around it. I believe you could have.

      The story itself made me feel like I was reading a history text book. More feeling is needed, less explaining. Let me live it rather than be told it.

      ---
    7. Anna Buttons
      "Yet Another Corporate Takeover"
      Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
      Tone/Voice: 5/5
      Effect: 8/10
      Overall: 17


      The second person in this is done well. Could have been better, but the tone you used in this made up for it. It's a difficult thing to pull off in the first place.

      The take on the prompt is a nice, unexpected one. A bit gross at times, but oh well.

      No real complaints from me. It was a nice story, and again I must praise the tone you used. Brilliant, and it felt entirely real.

      ---
    8. TheFuhrer02
      "A Murky World"
      Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
      Tone/Voice: 4/5
      Effect: 7/10
      Overall: 14


      Grammatical mistakes were very minor. If I didn't go by the judging scale provided, you'd have gotten a higher score in it. An accidental capitalization and a gender mix-up was all I saw, though.

      The story didn't really go anywhere, because it felt like the story began after everything already ended. All I saw was his regret for the decision afterwards. I was looking for more. More feeling, more something to get me to connect to this.

      ---
    9. Cadence
      "Why We Invaded China"
      Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
      Tone/Voice: 5/5
      Effect: 7/10
      Overall: 16


      I'm torn on this. It was a bumpy start, then it started to get really interesting and it held my attention for a while. But after a bit, I realized that I wasn't really going to get a delivery. Nothing worthwhile was coming. I wish there was more to this, or handled differently would have been nice. It just felt like it never got anywhere, despite the fact that the entire time I felt like we were getting somewhere.

      Not too many problems grammatically, and the tone was nice. I just wish the story went somewhere to make this piece memorable.

      ---
    10. Jon M
      "Future Perfect"
      Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
      Tone/Voice: 5/5
      Effect: 8/10
      Overall: 18


      Second person and future tense. How unique. I kind of felt like someone was attempting to hypnotize me. The sentences were really long at some points, and I feel that it took me out of the story at times. Of course that's usually a bad thing, but it's even worse when I'm the protagonist.

      Grammar was flawless as far as I saw.

      Some of the characters that felt like they would have mattered, ended up not mattering at all. I would have liked to see it expanded, but that's just something I'll have to deal with, as the word count is a restricted one. However, I'd say to tone down on the feelings about individual characters who actually end up not mattering much. Some of that can be left out.

      Overall, pretty good story. I was entertained. Second person will always have its disadvantage against me, but you always seem to pull it off well.

      ---
    11. DuKane
      "Takeover"
      Judge's Entry


      Missing a period in the first line. Line break problem in there as well.

      That was a fun ride. An unexpected, yet expected(if that makes any sense?) twist. Expected for the type of story, but I didn't see it coming, I mean.

      I feel like Harry would have had more of an indication that the guy in front of him was just shot, despite the gun being silenced. But of course I've never been in the situation so I don't know.

      Could've used the other available words for some character development. I felt that could have improved things.

      ---
    12. spartan928
      "Another Corporate Takeover"
      Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
      Tone/Voice: 3/5
      Effect: 6/10
      Overall: 13


      Visually, this was great. Everything was clear.

      On a deeper level, there wasn't too much going on. Everything was straightforward. But for what it was, it was a pleasant read. Seems like a small scene from a bigger movie. A great scene to choose.

      ---
    13. dolphinlee
      "Corporate Takeover (644)"
      Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
      Tone/Voice: 4/5
      Effect: 8/10
      Overall: 15


      Very interesting, the way you handled this. Despite no real scene of the speaker being shown, I had no problems seeing it.

      Evil little elves. A fun take on them. No real complaints with this.


    Lasm's scores:

    1. Arcopitcairn
      “Prince Dreamshine and Fufflemuff at an Island”
      SPaG: 3.5
      Tone/Voice: 5
      Effect: 6
      Total: 14.5


      Docking your SPaG because a) you need to use commas instead of periods at the end of quoted speech before speech tags, and b) this: “The rock on which [missing word] was sitting”.

      The tone here is very good. It’s fun and satirical without going too far into ridiculousness, and reminds me of the My Little Pony movies. However, the effect is lower because this piece can’t really stand by itself as a story. Even leaving aside that you don’t say enough about the characters for me to know about them without referring back to your previous entries, the end of this piece isn’t really an ending -- they meet the cat and then the story just stops. So: I like this, the whole Prince Dreamshine saga is fun, but this doesn’t feel like a full episode to me.

      ---
    2. KarKingJack
      “Another Corporate Takeover”
      SPaG: 3
      Tone: 3
      Effect: 6
      Total: 12


      The writing is overall not bad. The SPaG score reflects the tense confusion in the first paragraph -- if that’s internal monologue in the present tense, you need to signal that in some way -- as well as some missing words and unhyphenated compound modifiers, repetition of the “great gas lamp city” (sic).

      The story confused me. So he was planning some sort of terrorist attack, followed the big guy, then he’s in a hotel room and -- he’s been castrated? And he’s all, “I’m fine,” (rather than moaning in agony) and the woman ignores his bloody crotch and just pleads for love? I wrote, “what?!” in the margin. Think I needed some clue in the first part, some foreshadow. The two scenes you show are interesting, but what happens inbetween them seems to have been far more interesting, and I wish you’d shown that.

      ---
    3. Leyline
      “Gifted & Talented”
      SPaG: 5
      Tone: 4.5
      Effect: 8.5
      Total: 18


      I enjoyed this one -- it’s a fun and original idea, told well if in big strokes. The writing is good and interesting, though occasionally the style got a little repetitive and I think you break paragraph for effect a bit too much - some of these one-line paragraphs could be combined into one larger paragraph without much loss of effect.

      The effect score is down a little because I wished the character of the MC were more clearly drawn: just basic things like name and gender would help to establish exactly who’s speaking. You mention the past as a child prodigy but not much more than that to help us understand this person’s fall into bumhood and ascent into leadership of the bum revolution. Again, I liked this a lot. You could write a novel based on this.

      ---
    4. TerryD
      “Hostile Takeover”
      SPaG: 4.5
      Tone: 5
      Effect: 7.5
      Total: 17


      The corporate takeover of the world followed by a hostile takeover by the Neptunians (who I’ve never previously suspected of existing) -- fun. I like the juxtaposition of Price’s triumphant words with their more cynical explanations.

      I’m curious about your first sentence - who is speaking there? It doesn’t seem to be Price, because his speech is in quotes. Is it the Neptunians? I also felt a bit uncertain about Price’s character -- is he just power-hungry and evil? Does he think he’s acting for the greater good? Didn’t seem clear to me. SPaG was nearly perfect but you’re missing a period at the end of one sentence (after “away”), and you’ve capitalized a word coming after a colon (“Two million”). Good story.

      ---
    5. rubisco
      “Burrito Day”
      SPaG: 3
      Tone: 3.5
      Effect: 7.5
      Total: 14


      Effect is good because it made me laugh a bit, which is what you were going for, so that worked. I wanted a little scene with the crazed executives waving guns around, demanding burritos -- the interns cowering in terror, the weapons manufacturers wetting their pants, calling Chipotle from under their desks or something. But this was pretty funny as is.

      However, characters are mostly indistinguishable from each other. SPaG is lowered for some typos (extra/misplaced spaces and punctuation) and trouble with quotations -- the first letter of quoted speech should be capitalized. Docking you on the tone mainly for the speech tags, which were copious, and gave me the feeling that you were trying to avoid “said”. Also I think it’s better to just say, “Keith screamed,” then to transcribe that “‘Yahhhh!’”

      ---
    6. anonick
      “All your base belong to us”
      SPaG: 4.5
      Tone: 3
      Effect: 6
      Total: 13.5


      First, I don’t see what the title has to do with the story; second, it’s “All your base are belong to us”. SPaG score reflects the misspelling of “millennia”; also in the second to last paragraph, I think you wanted “Don’t” instead of “Do”. On Tone: there were moments when this felt overwrought (too many adjectives and adverbs, I think), maybe purposefully so, but I wasn’t quite sure if you were trying to be funny. I did enjoy the description of Death plotting away in his little underground lair while his agents on the surface work in high finance .

      The story didn’t quite work for me -- too much backstory, maybe, so when we got to the action it felt too quick. 650 words is not a lot, and I think you may just need more space to tell this story effectively. One last note: didn’t figure into the score, but if you talk about “It” feeding off the humans on the surface, the mind leaps swiftly to Stephen King’s IT.

      ---
    7. Anna Buttons
      “Yet Another Corporate Takeover”
      SPaG: 4
      Tone: 5
      Effect: 8.5
      Total: 17.5


      I thought the tone and voice were really good, conveyed the sort of forced emotionlessness of someone doing an unpleasant job. However, that makes it hard to get to know the narrator and I wished I knew more about her. We find out that she’s a woman disappointed by her lack of children, but not much else -- I’d have liked to have known why she had none (medical reasons? professional ones? never the right time? no relationship?), for one thing. I’m also not sure about the choice to start with the description of the office. I liked the description very much, but I think I’d have placed it a little later, begin with the MC or with the crying woman so we see right away how the look around the office is a distraction from the emotional burden of the task at hand. Again, I enjoyed the writing in this one and thought it was well done.

      SPaG lowered because: baron should be barren; “Methodically removed of its characteristics” -- maybe deprived of? I don’t think you can use removed this way; and a missing word: “It’s best if [they?] think their story is relevant.”

      ---
    8. The Fuhrer2.0
      “A Murky World”
      SPaG: 2.5
      Tone: 3
      Effect: 5
      Total: 10.5


      SPaG score reflects shift to present tense in paragraph 4, a couple typos, Adrianne seeing “his husband,” “your” should be “you’re,” and twice you wrote “uttered” where I think you meant “muttered.” The tone overall felt pretty flat to me. The effect score is low because the plot here is rather thin -- there isn’t really a conflict to be resolved, all the events have already taken place, nobody’s all that broken up about what happened -- and there isn’t enough characterization or anything else to make up for that lack of story. Maybe one needs to be a sports fan to appreciate this one.

      ---
    9. Cadence
      “Why we invaded China”
      SPaG: 4.5
      Tone: 3
      Effect: 5
      Total: 12.5


      Well, farbeit from me to get down on anyone for using sentence fragments, and through most of this, they were fine - but the opening line felt like a clumsy one to me, since there’s no set up and it’s not clear whose perspective we’re seeing. This, in combination with a fairly conventional overall tone and some stock phrases like “staring daggers,” is reflected in the Tone score. SPaG docked for a couple missing commas and a stray apostrophe.

      I didn’t get much from this. It wasn’t clear to me what problem they actually needed to solve; nothing before the third section seemed particularly necessary or relevant to the actual events in the plot. Finally, the relationship to the theme was rather tenuous. The joke is cute, though.

      ---
    10. Jon M
      “Future Perfect”
      SPaG: 4.5
      Tone: 5
      Effect: 9
      Total: 18.5


      The half-point off in SPaG is for the “this happens” at the end of the 1st paragraph - should be “this will happen” or “could/might happen”; also I think you need a comma after “Who are you kidding”, no cap after a colon, and you’re missing a space in the last sentence. While I enjoyed the narrator’s antipathy for the other characters, I wondered why you spent so much space on them, especially Tina English, who garners such anxiety and dislike in the first paragraph, only to disappear. Maybe the MC could think about how that Smith & Wesson merger might affect her in particular. So minus an effect point for that.

      I liked the choice of future tense, which creates this tone somewhere between fantasy and fatality and dread, so everything feels predictable and almost destined, while simultaneously remaining unfixed and fluid. The tense also raises the question of what’s happening in the present moment of the narrator (a question posed, maybe, in the final line). From the first sentence I gather he’s looking at the meeting rooms, but maybe just a bit more framework would have helped concretize the relationship between present and future here. Overall, interesting tense choice and very good writing.

      ---
    11. DuKane
      “Takeover”
      (no score)


      A fun little Godfather-style scene, though I never figured out what Harry’s cardinal rule was supposed to be. Am I to understand O’Reilly was shot? Shouldn’t Harry have heard that? Some punctuation problems at the ends of sentences; also, consider the semi-colon for conjoining two related but independent clauses rather than a comma (after “His gun sat idly in his jacket” and “He tried to glance right”).

      ---
    12. spartan928
      “Another Corporate Takeover”
      SPaG: 4
      Tone: 3
      Effect: 6.5
      Total: 13.5


      SPaG lowered for some missing commas and a “your” that ought to be “you’re”. Some awkward wording (especially “I've attended to the only remaining leg you have tried to build your scheme on”), and I think if he actually squeezed his glass that hard it would break.

      This felt sort of like a dialogue with stage directions. The conflict between the characters is laid out well enough, but their personalities are just a bit clichéd; the narrative position is very neutral and eternal to them. A little more atmosphere and some insight into one of the characters’ minds would have helped make this more compelling for me.

      ---
    13. dolphinlee
      "Corporate Takeover”
      SPaG: 4.5
      Tone: 3.5
      Effect: 7.5
      Total: 15.5


      SPaG: a couple missing commas, a misused semi-colon. You have a tendency towards run-on sentences, which conflicts with the style of a political speech, as run-on sentences make people confused and sleepy. This feels more like an academic talk.

      So we’re blaming all evil in the world on the elves, eh? I never have liked those pointy-eared jerks. At the end, I wondered if we’re really supposed to believe that this candidate is telling the truth. I mean, it’s a politician - maybe it’s an elf in disguise, just lying to everybody. Anyway, I enjoyed the idea of this, and it’s mostly well-written, but I think it needs shorter, tighter sentences and more passionate language to imitate a political speech effectively.


    Bazz Cargo's scores:

    1. Arcopitcairn
      "Prince Dreamshine and Fufflemuff at an Island"

      SPaG: 4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.


      Neat and straightforward writing. Although, 'The moist shadows slithered with hidden creatures,' was a bit much.

      Tone and voice 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.

      The simplistic style has a me wanting to read this to my children. Only you stuck 'ort' in near the beginning. That would have been declared a misprint or caused a break in the read for a quick Google and a discussion. (I know ort is a word).

      Effect: 7/10 - Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

      Total: 15/20


      General: As a piece of flash fiction this works well. I'm not sure silly names alone would be capable of carrying a longer piece without some kind of structure to the story. I felt you had a good idea for a nod to the prompt, then added the front bit on to get there. The story is easy to read and has enough content for both adult and child. I can easily see this as a large, picture book. Think Gruffalo.

      A pleasure to read.
      Bazz

      ---
    2. KarkingJack
      "Another Corporate Takeover"


      SpaG 3/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.

      'that's all this town has to face, and it's fallen into a desolation of that'(Not sure where to go with this).

      'Moral decay, that's what it is.'

      'This place used to be strong with gypsy blood.'

      'all lazy kings and their lazy subjects. Or, 'all lazy kings and lazy subjects'

      'slick posters and sparkling rows of store after store.' (A bit clunky. Could do with something like) slick posters and sparkling rows of stores full of tat.'

      A warrior without his blade is too without his shield.' (Possibly) A warrior without his blade is also without his shield.'

      'A warrior without a shield or sword is without a war.'

      Tone and voice 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.

      Quite a striking use of voice. Solid throughout. I had a bit of a problem with the start of part two. It jarred at first.

      Effect: 7/10 – Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

      Total: 14/20

      General: A striking and nuanced piece. The link to the prompt was excellent. There are some great lines here;
      'This was the gunpowder pebble cast into the great consumer lake'

      This is a powerful story. All you need is to iron out the hiccups to get the full intent. A good effort. Well worth you trying again next time. Good practice makes you better.

      A nice read.
      Bazz

      ---
    3. Leyline
      "Gifted And Talented"


      SpaG: 5/5 – Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.

      Lovely human touch to dialogue and narrative structure.

      Tone and voice: 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

      A hint of geek-speak and a trace of vanity threaded through a nicely balanced piece.

      Effect: 9/10 – Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

      Total: 19/20

      General: A very cool and imaginative piece. A jab at connectivity and corporate exploitation. The humour worked well and the character is rock solid. It did race by a bit towards the end. Possibly the side effect of squeezing a novel sized idea into 650 words.

      I liked this a lot.
      Bazz

      ---
    4. Terry D
      "Hostile Take over"


      SpaG: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.

      Not knowing any better myself, I would have popped a comma after Basilica.

      Tone and voice 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

      A shatteringly stark display of wordsmanship. How you managed to fit so much into less than 650 words is amazing.

      Effect: 9/10 – Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

      Total: 18/20

      General: This was a fun read. It did feel like the story was rushed, and you had an ending in search of a beginning. This reminds me of something. I can't say why, but Dougie Adams springs to mind.

      I would read the book.
      Bazz

      ---
    5. Rubisco
      "Burrito Day"


      SpaG: 3/5 – Predominantly correct. Minor errors.

      He grabbed a golf club that was leaned up in the corner (A bit clunky).

      "What idiot--," he said as the door slammed open, knocking them both to the floor. Three sets of feet trampled over them. (Who he?)

      Tone and voice: 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

      Completely mad, with onions.

      Effect: 9/10 – Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

      Total: 17/20

      General: Very funny. I was thinking of Bill Murry as I read it. (Additional: This has been stuck in my head for two days now).

      You could do with a better opening line.

      I would watch the movie.
      Bazz

      ---
    6. Anonick
      "All Your Base Belong to us"


      SpaG: 4/5 - (Nearly) Grammatically flawless writing.

      Millennia.

      It used to loot, cheat, and fool them (Maybe: It used to lie, cheat, and fool them).

      Plus, some of your punctuation is as good as mine.

      Tone and voice: 4/5 – Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.

      I got the feeling that this was subtle in humour rather than laugh-out-loud funny.

      Effect: 8/10 – Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

      Total: 18/20

      General: The tie-in with the credit crunch and subsequent 'world financial problems' is clever. There are some hints of things that would benefit from expanding the work. Very neat and tidy. A good, workman like piece.

      I enjoyed reading
      Bazz

      ---
    7. Anna Buttons
      "Another Corporate Takeover"


      SpaG: 4/5 – (Nearly). Grammatically flawless writing.

      Barren. (Typo).

      Tone and voice: 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

      Just as I would imagine I would have to think. Only, in reality it would be so different.

      Effect 10/10 – Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

      Total: 19/20

      General: Wham! What a wonderful opening line. You take me through a twisty psychological dance; the business attitude that distances cruelty. It feels like you have been there.

      Makes me want to watch 9 to 5 as an antidote.

      A great read
      Bazz

      ---
    8. Fuhrer 02
      "A Murky World"


      SpaG 4/5 – (Nearly). Grammatically flawless writing.:

      RIlsdane (Typo 1).

      When she saw his husband (Typo 2).

      Tone and voice 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

      Tradition v greed. Nice, twisty dialogue.

      Effect: 9-10 Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

      Total: 18/20

      General: The world of football. Soccer to our friends across the ocean. A really good place to set the prompt. Excellent dialogue. Cool story. A well crafted piece.

      Loved the read
      Bazz

      ---
    9. Cadence
      "Why We Invaded China"


      SpaG: 5/5 – Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.

      Lots of lovely exclamation marks.

      Tone and voice: 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

      A very fluid read with nice dialogue touches.

      Effect: 9/10 – Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

      Total: 19/20

      General: A stand alone story with a deep vein of spoofery. I would love you to expand on this. Go on, you know you want to. I would love to see this on television.

      A big thank you
      Bazz

      ---
    10. Jon M
      "Future Perfect"


      SpaG: 5/5 – Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.

      On the ball all the way down the line.

      Tone and voice: 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

      Bordering on a soliloquy.

      Effect: 8/10 – Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

      Total: 18/20

      General: A thumping good read. Bleak and dark humoured with stabs at the frustrations of office politics.

      The POV is spot on. If you can bring yourself to change to third and build on this there could be a new Water-cooler Warrior in town.

      A cracking read
      Bazz
      ---
    11. Dukane
      "Take Over"
      No Score


      Damn, damn, damn. I wish I could write like this. I'm going to sulk now.
      Missing a full stop. Hmmm. Was the chief shot? Why didn't Harry hear the cough of a silenced weapon? You could do with another edit. (Evil chuckle)

      ---
    12. Spartan
      "Another Corporate Takeover"


      SpaG: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.

      I had a bobble between: preemptive strike against it." And Devon tapped his fingers. I was expecting to change from one character to the next.

      Tone and voice: 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

      Somehow you took dull and made it interesting.

      Effect 8/10 – Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

      Total: 17/20

      General: Oooh Dallas!... Intriguingly, I would find the actual story more interesting than this scene. It is well written and interesting but lacks the drama I would like. You have a Rolls Royce story and have driven it to Reading.

      I enjoyed the read.
      Bazz
      ---
    13. DolphinLee
      "Corporate Takeover (644)"


      SpaG: 4/5 – Grammatically flawless writing.

      One piddling little typo.

      Tone and voice 5/5 – Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.

      Interesting idea; making a lecture and/or political pitch.

      Effect: 8/10 – Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.

      Total: 17/20

      A very clever take on the prompt, mixing mythology with sci fi. Elves, as tormentors of poor mankind, destroyed by hubris. A smart tie-in with the news of today and a worrying hint at how bad things could get. An easy and provocative read.

      I was well into this
      Bazz


    DuKane's scores:

    1. Arcopitcairn
      "Prince Dreamshine and Fufflemuffle at an Island"
      Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
      Tone/Voice: 3/5
      Effect: 7/10
      Total: 13


      Minor spags, Missing ‘he’ on ‘The rock on which was sitting was surrounded by little blankets full of trinkets’. Tone and voice were effective but inconsistent, some really good simple descriptions that were interspersed with overly pretentious word choices that really weren’t needed. I Struggled to read this as there were too many commas’ that broke up the flow. Jumped around too much, some parts made it feel like a good children’s story, then became over simplified with salty ort, scores of shiny gimcracks and gewgaws which I felt didn’t add anything to the story.

      ---
    2. CarKingJack
      "Another Corporate Takeover"
      Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
      Tone/Voice: 4/5
      Effect: 7/10
      Total: 15


      Minor spags, capital after comma. “uroboro smoke rings?” Strong, interesting use of tone and the voice was effective. It felt like it needed more and as you had another hundred words to play with you could have used some on the second part which I felt lacked the punch of the opening. Still overall I liked it and would like to read more.

      ---
    3. Leyline
      "Gifted & Talented"
      Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
      Tone/Voice: 5/5
      Effect: 9/10
      Total: 19


      One nit ‘Carl the Mouse.’ Consistent tone and voice throughout, very strong with just the right amount of darkness without going overboard or falling into stereotypes. Found this piece gripped you from the outset, I wanted to know how this dystopian Company would be brought down and you didn’t disappoint. Very clever yet simple idea that’s very well written, bums as mobile masts, brilliant!:

      ---
    4. Terry D
      "Hostile Takeover"
      Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
      Tone/Voice: 5/5
      Effect: 8/10
      Total: 18


      Consistently effective story with just the right amount of unfeeling menace that drew you in without being over blown. Wonderfully dark descriptions of a corporate world with a nice double twist at the end. Sweet!

      ---
    5. Rubisco
      "Burrito Day"
      Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
      Tone/Voice: 3/5
      Effect: 6/10
      Total: 12


      Affect rather than effect?? Leant rather than leaned - "To burritos!". Full stop not needed. Missing “out”, “Keith poked his head of a window and yelled”

      Effective but inconsistent piece for example I got completely lost when the golf club attack took place. It didn’t really flow, it needs polishing and some more work. Humour is very difficult to write, and very personal, meaning that to please the majority you have to hit the middle ground, but keep going as there’s potential in there, keep going.

      ---
    6. Anonick
      "All your base belong to us"
      Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
      Tone/Voice: 3/5
      Effect: 6/10
      Total: 11


      Inconsistent use of Capitalisation, Its, Magic, Man. millenia = millennia, lifespans = lifespan, hundreds = hundred. The tone was effective and consistent but only in parts of the story. Final long dialogue piece at the end was delivered by a frail man, who was just a human when first introduced. Overall quite an effective piece but really only in parts. Read it out loud to yourself or better still get someone else to read it aloud to you. That said, keep going and you will only improve.

      ---
    7. Anna Buttons
      "Yet Another Corporate Takeover"
      Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
      Tone/Voice: 4/5
      Effect: 8/10
      Total: 16


      Minor spags – Missing they – “It’s best if think their story is relevant.” Strong and interesting use of tone and voice. You capture the despair of the redundant perfectly and the unfeeling cold of those who make them redundant. The first two paragraph’s confused me and I felt the story to would be much stronger without those description’s and just concentrating solely on the dialogue, as it’s is very strong with just the right amount of emotion, emotionless on both sides. Good stuff.

      ---
    8. The Fuhrer02
      "A Murky World"
      Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
      Tone/Voice: 4/5
      Effect: 8/10
      Total: 16


      Minor nits, RIlsdane, “You’re not a good liar when your upset.” You’re,:
      Interesting tone and voice that fits well with this piece but I felt it lacked the passion and emotion of a real fan, If the chairman was a real fan that is! I felt that the opening wasn’t needed and didn’t really add to the story but this is a very original idea that you should invest some more time in.

      ---
    9. Cadence
      "Why we invaded China"
      Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
      Tone/Voice: 3/5
      Effect: 7/10
      Total: 13


      I’m presuming that Zara has a Scottish accent so, ‘A’think a’found, etc would have be better with “Aye.” The tone of your piece is good I just found the voice to be inconsistent. A good story but it spluttered along for me, didn’t really flow. “Some 5th-level nobody drinking mulled wine” confused the hell out of me until I’d read it a few times. I would have preferred “Some 5th-level nobody drinking mulled wine asked him.” But hey that’s just me, a good story though.

      ---
    10. JonM
      "Future Perfect"
      Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
      Tone/Voice: 4/5
      Effect: 7/10
      Total: 15


      I struggled to get into this as the over use of comma’s broke up what could have been a well scripted and easily flowing story, and is missing speech marks on the dialogue. That said, the tone and voice were pretty perfect with just the right amount of emotional turmoil going on. Descriptions are vivid that made this reader easily visualise the story in my head, but it needed a bit more punch to the ending which I felt just withered away.

      ---
    11. Dukane
      "Takeover"


      Usual load of old tosh from this would be writer!

      ---
    12. Spartan928
      "Another Corporate Takeover"
      Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
      Tone/Voice: 4/5
      Effect: 8/10
      Total: 16


      Nice and simple but effective story, sex is always a good card to play! Swapped past and present tense towards the end. Tone and voice were consistent with that wonderful polite menace, if I can call it so, of the corporate world. Works for me as a story, could do with some polishing and I got a little confused with who was speaking on the first read. That’s said, good keep going.

      ---
    13. dolphinlee
      "Corporate Takeover"
      Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
      Tone/Voice: 5/5
      Effect: 9/10
      Total: 19


      I liked your piece and it drew me in straight away with it’s very unique style that you pulled off. Well written and I found, once drawn in, I wanted to keep reading to the end. Dialogue works perfectly reading this aloud as a speech, and is a clever story all round. Well done.

    This article was originally published in forum thread: 01/11/2012 - LM - Another Corporate Takeover - Scores started by Fin View original post