As most of you probably would guess, i'm not a vegetarian.
Anyways, I've been writing a book and would love some critique on my writing style. I believe it is young adult fiction, because, well, I'm a young adult and I'm writing it. This is a segment from somewhere in the middle, but I think it makes perfect sense if you have no idea what the heck is going on. Any and all comments are appreciated. Happy reading!
"Something didn’t make sense. These dreams, they weren’t peering in. I was able to participate. They had a home ready for me. I was able to talk to Kelly.
And Kelly was powerful. If this room was filled with the most powerful people, shouldn’t she be here?
In fact, the only person that seemed to be aware of me in the dreams was Kelly. And the mystic in this room used the same unnatural color of blue as Kelly.
I started to panic. “Where is Kelly?”
Tahk looked nervous. He began looking directly at the floor when he said “ There’s something you don’t know-“
“Oh really?” I said in my most sarcastic tone.
He continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “What you experienced is known as a lucid dream. You control many aspects of it. So when you dreamed, you did really peer in at this world. But you also, errr, controlled it and made the dream the way you wanted it to be. You made the dream be what you wanted it to be.” His hand was shaking. He looked so nervous that he may vomit.
“What are you not telling me?” I demanded.
Tahk let out a long, deep sigh. Then he said, very carefully, “Kelly doesn’t exist.”
The words stabbed me like daggers. I found my breath pulled away from me, almost as if someone had stolen it. Anger began coursing through me. I had been lied to again. It was her voice that they had used to call me here. They used my weakness, my interpretation, my dream. They used her, even though she didn’t exist. They used her to play me.
The darkness came again. I could feel it surrounding me, coursing through me. I could feel the raw power, and it wanted to attack. The desire scared me. This power was a beast. And it would gladly devour whatever I told it to. But I had called it and given it nothing to eat. And it was hungry.
It took all my will to restrain it. I pulled at it, tried to fight it. But it was like trying to keep a hold on sand. Try to grab too much, and some will slip through your fingers.
In the back of my mind, I saw the people from the table backing away. But I couldn’t focus on anything but the darkness. It was devouring the floor, the table, and was going to continue if I didn’t put an end to it. So I had to let it go. I let go of the darkness, I let go of the anger, I let go of the world around me. I just let go.
When I came to, I was in a large crater in the ground. I was on my knees. And I was sobbing uncontrollably. "
I also have a question. If I were to post something here, could someone take it and use it without any legal repercussions? Not that I think that would happen, but I was considering posting my entire progress in a file for whoever wanted to read it, and I wanted to be on the safe side.
Anyhow, thanks for reading!