Thread: Real Ultimate Power by Robert Hamburger

I may be alone in this, but I think this book is absolutely brilliant. For those of you who have no idea what the hell, Real Ultimate Power is written in the format of a guidebook about ninjas written by an extremely hyperactive preadolescent boy, telling why they are so awesome, their superpowers, etc etc.

That part is hilarious by itself, but along the way, in the text itself and in the footnotes, the book also tells the story of a miserable boy neglected and abused by his parents, forced to take calming medication, and possibly also sexually molested by his babysitter, though that isn't really clear.

I'll post a couple excerpts.

I am not attracted to ninjas, personally. But sometimes when
I'm lying in the backyard and I'm thinking about ninjas for more
than an hour, I pop a boner. Sometimes they're small, but sometimes
they're humongous. Mom caught me one time when this
happened. She said, "What the heck is going on? What are you
doing?" And she chased me around the yard with a rake. When
she caught me, she made me lay on my stomach and she stepped
on my butt. Mom's pretty big, so it went away real fast. But when
she stopped and it came back even bigger, I knew that ninjas were
special. These guys are totally sweet. Everyday I ask my mom if
I can take karate. I say, "Hey Mom, can I take karate?" And she
says, "No way! You'll hurt someone." So we compromised on
yoga—I start next year. But who cares, I don't need karate—I
express myself by screaming and imagining stories about ninjas.

Though you never know when somebody is a frigg'n liar, I
think my best friend Mark's stories are true. One night, I slept
over at his house and he told me that for the last week a ninja
was hanging out in his backyard, behind the shed. I was like,
"Yeah, right." So we waited until Mark's parents went to bed to
check out the ninja. We sneaked out without making too much
noise and the night air was intense. And to tell you the truth, I had
never been that pumped before in my life. We didn't think we'd
make it to the shed alive, but we did. Mark almost died from the
jogging—so we rested in front of the shed for a while. But out of
nowhere, we heard this huge BANG behind the shed. Mark was
like, "Holy CRAP!" and a little piece of poop seeped out of my
butthole. Then we frigg'n booked back towards Mark's house. 1
was so pumped and excited that I jumped right through the living
room window and cut my legs and arm. Mark's parents flew out
of bed screaming and yelling. Mark got an erection and got
grounded, and I got sent home. But I didn't care about any of that
crap, because I knew right then that Mark was telling the truth—
ninjas exist.

Q: Why do your parents fight all the time?
A: It's not because they're ninjas or anything. I think it's because
my dad probably isn't my real dad. You see, I sometimes think
that a ninja secretly had vaginal sex with my mom so that he
would be my real father. In fact, it has to be true, because I feel
it in my heart. My real father, the ninja, may be traveling all over
the world killing people whenever he wants, fighting everyday,
going berserk and/or flipping out. What would he do if he could
see me now? Dear Dad, do you think of me when you're flipping
out and killing trillions of people? Do you pop boners about
having a son? When are we going to hang out, Dad? That would
be crazy if we both had a psychic connection and always popped
boners at the exact same time. That would explain a lot, I think.

The REAL Ultimate Test [to tell if someone is a ninja]
1. Get a baby carrot from the crispy drawer. (You don't need
anything bigger.)
2. Put the carrot in the freezer until it's completely freezing
cold.
3. Wait for your suspect to bend over, like when they're getting
something from the fridge.
4. Slide the baby carrot into the suspect's o-ring.
5. Wait and watch.
If the suspect is like, "What the fuck is wrong with you, you little
son of a bitch! Get the fuck away from me! Why don't you act
like a normal kid and play outside and get me a fucking beer!
Your mother and I should have left you at the hospital, you crazy
fuck," then your suspect might not be a ninja. But if your suspect
is like, "Yo, that's not cool," or just, "No way, homey!" then
you've definitely got a ninja on your hands.

I don't know if this is postmodernism or not, but I love it. I've read this book four times already.

Sounds hilarious. I'm going to have to pick up a copy. Ha. Frozen carrot.

Meditation
Some people ask me how ninjas can be harmonious with nature
when they're constantly kicking people in the nuts. Well, they just
can—so don't worry about it. They meditate and think about what
they've done. During meditation, ninjas will spend hours away
from TV and friends. This is when they learn about themselves,
mainly reflecting on deep questions like, "Why can't you act
normal and stop embarrassing your mother and me?" and, "Why
can't you stop acting like a fucking retard?" And, after they're
done, they're allowed to come back downstairs and watch TV

surely you are breaking copyright laws for putting parts of his book here, and breaking forum rules.

He put this stuff up on the internet years ago we used to laugh about it in junior high.

I think the book came later as a collection of all of his web jokes (with edited spelling, finally).

www.realultimatepower.net

Also, ninjas hate pirates.

Get it?