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Sexual abuse

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wacker
, 06-20-2010 at 12:45 PM (386 Views)
Sexual abuse
I would like to hear your thoughts, get your views and read your opinions on this hot topic.. and also on abuse in general (personal experience or knowledge of such a thing which has happened).

As a victim of clerical sexual abuse myself, this topic is very hard for me to talk about. I am at present seeing a councillor and dealing with this issue as best I can. So to help me try and heal my wounds he suggested that I try to write about it and talk about it.

To begin with, it happened to me when I was around seven or eight years old. I was a young catholic boy about to make my first holy communion. This event in my young life was supposed to be a special time for me, but what happened to me totally destroyed my faith in God.

As a young catholic boy I wanted to do right by God. So trying to behave like a good catholic, I decided to go to church three or four days a week. Both in the morning time before going to school and also in the afternoon when I finished school.

At first, when I went to church, I was there with a few other people (mainly the elderly)
and my Monsignour. He used to come over to me and talk to me... get to know me a little bit better I suppose. After numerous times of him coming to talk to me, he became a familiar sight to the other church goers, so no one paid us any attention after a while.

However one day I found myself alone with him and we were talking more about my upcoming first holy communion. I felt more relaxed in his company. He was telling me that children always felt anxious coming up to this day.

Over the next coming weeks I found myself being alone more often in his company, but I never once felt ill at ease with our conversations. But things were about to change dramatically for me this particular Wednesday.
It was the start of my abuse. First of all in the beginning, he got me to fondle his genitals. Initially when he first mentioned it to me, I told him: "No! I don't want to do it".

However he told me that "it was the will of God that I do it"

Not knowing what to, I at first hesitated. Then I told him " No!" again.

He responded and said: "It is Gods will that I do it. Otherwise all my sins will not be forgiven".

As a child back then I was afraid to answer him back. So still unsure what to do and trying to behave like a good catholic, I eventually did what he wanted.
Over the next few weeks things developed for the worse for me. He found new ways to degrade me even further.
Over those few weeks however, he moved on from me fondling him... to him doing the fondling.

Then it got even worse. He had me doing all these sexual acts on him, to please him. To make sure I did what he told me to do, he used my fear at that time, (which happened to be, me being afraid of not making my holy communion) against me. I was so scared I was going to go straight to hell for being a sinner before the day of my holy communion.

Well that is all I can say for the moment as I am starting to feel angry and real aggressive just thinking and re-living those images in my head right now.

So I will ask anyone who either has personal experience of abuse (be it sexual, physical, mental, pyschological or otherwise) or knowledge of it happening to someone close to them... be they a friend, a parent, sibiling or even a neighbour.


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  1. SilverMoon's Avatar
    I am very sorry Wacker that your boyhood had been stolen from you. I dated a fellow who had been sexually abused by a priest for many years. My boyfriend developed a bad boy persona as a result, keeping people at a distance.

    It took some talking but he evetually went into therapy. This is what I would suggest to you, especially as feelings are surfacing so strongly
    I am starting to feel angry and real aggressive just thinking and re-living those images in my head right now.
    Take your time to search out a counselor you feel comfortabke with and/or join an on line group for Survivors. My strong suggestion.

    I commend you for coming out and SPEAKING. So many, sadly remain in the closet. You came out and it's time to live your life toxic free. Time is short. Laurie

    PS I did a search and found an excellent Support Group. The best to you.

    http://www.aftersilence.org/
    Updated 06-20-2010 at 04:54 PM by SilverMoon
  2. wacker's Avatar
    Thank you Laurie for those kind words.

    I am at present seeing a counselor for my abuse and through these discussions we are weaving out some of my issues (anger been only a part of it). However I will take a look at the support group you mentioned and see how it can help me.

    Thanks again for your support, kind words and taking the time, not only to write on my blog but to search the link for me.

    All the best

    Paul
  3. Lady S's Avatar
    Paul, it's really so hard for me to say much apart from that you have my sympathy for your experience and my prayer that you can be free of the scars. Betrayl of trust, and worse, by someone with this degree of influence over someone is devastating, whether it's a priest or a member of the family. Fortunately I've never suffered such abuse but I know so many people who have and I know how badly effected they've been by it.

    I've not lost my Christian faith but I parted company with the Catholic Church as soon as I was able to start seeing a few things for myself. I think a lot of my generation in Ireland have seen tthrough it. There are times when I think the Catholic Church in Ireland has done as much damage as the British but that's going on to another topic altogether.

    You have my best wishes.

    Vicki
  4. wacker's Avatar
    Thank you Vicki for those kind words and your support.

    I have had so many run ins with my religious teachers in secondary school, after this has happened to me. When I tried to tell one of them about my feelings towards the catholic church and why I was against their teachings, he slapped me three times across the face. He told me I was nothing but a trouble maker and a liar, looking to discredit the "good name" of a prominent member of the catholic church.

    I was just in with my counselor an hour ago and we were talking about the damage that has been cause by the catholic church. In respect of what has happened to me and the fact the this person is dead, I find it difficult to vent my anger and feel frustrated that I have no way of blowing of some steam.

    I was telling her that I setup this blog so that I could "talk" (figure of speech) about what has occurred in my life. This way I can have a positive reaction rather than a negative one, thus be able to vent my anger in a positive light and out of harms way of other people.
    She said that it was good that I am taking this approach as it will add another link creating a bigger support group for myself. I told her that I am doing this because it was suggested by my regular counselor who is on holidays at the moment.

    I have to say that it is giving me the strength and courage to be able to discuss this, and not letting the bad feelings deter me from my positive approach.

    Although I know I will never be free of the scars of my abuse (especially from which person who caused me all this pain), I am trying to focus on how to rebuild my life. It is going to be a long hard road with many bumps and potholes, but, with will power and determination and the help of people like yourself and Laurie, I feel I can tackle this head on.
  5. vangoghsear's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by wacker
    Although I know I will never be free of the scars of my abuse (especially from which person who caused me all this pain), I am trying to focus on how to rebuild my life. It is going to be a long hard road with many bumps and potholes, but, with will power and determination and the help of people like yourself and Laurie, I feel I can tackle this head on.
    So sorry to hear about this, Paul. I'm sure you will find the strength to make it through.

    Best to you,
    VGE
  6. wacker's Avatar
    Hello Vangoghsear,

    Thank you for your kind response and your support.

    wacker
  7. MeeQ's Avatar
    This is the perfect example of why i despise most 'faiths'.
    You have my condolences, and a hypothetical fist if ever needed.

    Look up 'Jail piping". It cheers me up to see pedophiles and rapists getting their righteous rewards by fellow scum.
  8. Lady S's Avatar
    Memories dim, Paul. I've not been a subject of abuse, as you have, but I've certainly had my share of traumatic experience. What I've discovered, with the help of good friends, is that the negative feelings that go with those recollections are mine for as long as I choose to own them. When I choose to deny those negative feelings a hold on me then the pain associated with those memories loses its power over me.

    It isn't an easy journey sometimes and don't I know it. Learning to live with what joys in life I can find today works much better for me than struggling with the grief of yesterday.

    I really hope this doesn't come over wrong. All I'm trying to do here is to share with you my own experience of healing.
  9. wacker's Avatar
    MeeQ,

    Thank you for replying to this blog. I too have lost some "faith" in religion. With what has happened to me, I have turned away from the catholic church. My experience with the church has turned me in to an atheist.

    However it does not mean that I am totally lost. I do believe that there is still some good in this world and that when we do move on from this earth, that it is only the beginning of the journey... not the ending of one.

    With regard to "jail piping" I will look into it and see if I too can get some satisfaction from them getting their just deserts.

    Lady S,

    It is hard to put aside my hatred for the catholic church (especially the monster who did this damage to me) but I can't help dwelling on those thoughts. As the images keep replaying in my mind every day, the anger I feel is very intense. However, the help I am receiving from my Councillor is doing some good, as I am starting to control my emotions stem the flow of my anger.

    I appreciate you sharing your experience of healing and hope that, with time, I too can reach this level of awareness and continue to think positive thoughts, rather than negative ones.

    wacker