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mocha

My Poetry: What do you think?

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9 Comments
by
mocha
, 12-24-2010 at 03:55 PM (471 Views)
Here's some poems i wrote awhile ago. I like them but i was hoping for some feedback.



War
Shadow-rimmed ditches,
drenched in darkness.

Blood rivers shine,
under a copper moon.

Stinking corpses cover the ground,
rotting into the stony battlefield.

Roses and brambles claw at flesh,
revealing alabaster bones.

Ravens tear at the wounds of the living,
dying to join their fellows.

Angles look down from the sky,
shaking their heads at the thoughtless bloodshed.


Here's another:


Going Home
A blanket of clouds stretches beneath me,
Lonely mountain peaks pushing through them,
like islands in the middle of a vast sea.
Vast horizons stretch on forever,
In any direction I look.

My only consolation: the promise of Home.
I am coming home,
The rolling hills,
To quiet country scenes,
And to the soft sheet of snow covering the land.

No more palm trees,
No more never-ending summer and scorching sun,
No more deserts of long-cooled lava,
No more dormant craters from forever’s past.
Just home.

I can’t wait till we land.
I count down the hours on my watch,
Anxiously scanning through the holes in the clouds,
Hoping to spot the fields of cleared corn,
Tiny towns inside larger, county plots.
Anything,
Anything familiar to my eyes.

Mountains show instead of hills,
Cities instead of towns,
Unfamiliar fields and ranches instead of modest farms.
I have to wait.
I rest my head against the seat,
Close my tired eyes,
And dream of Home.


What do you think?


~mocha


PS. InSickHealth if you read this, no offense, Hawaii was BEAUTIFUL but I'll take snowboarding over surfing any day.
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Comments

  1. Sophia Wallinder's Avatar
    War- very vivid images you create here. I was dragged into the mood immediately.
    Suggestion: You chose a rather cliche topic of war with an old message. To catch more interest and elevate your poem, you could experiment with different structures for the poem, beyond the couplets, for a more sophisticated rhythm when read.
    Going Home- I love how you open the poem in a sort of calm, solitary way, then in the second half, show that you are on an airplane. The progression was smooth and easy to follow. I felt like I was experiencing the feelings with you. It definitely draws the reader's sympathy. And italicizing "Home" was great--emphasizing the longing. I enjoyed reading this!
    Updated 12-24-2010 at 07:43 PM by Sophia Wallinder
  2. Red Riot's Avatar
    this is really some good work =)
    I used to write poems or songs myself, but these says I'm rather into writing stories (except for birthdays in my family, my parents force me to write poems for our relatives...), so I guess I know a little bit about this stuff
    I have to say, it's really beautiful, and I liked especially the first poem, it describes more or less a scenery, but one can also see that it describes your feelings between the lines
    it was really enjoyable to read
  3. Rubina's Avatar
    hello mocha ,
    i like your poems , the thoughts that no one wishes to hear no more , if I may add, the angels don't just look down on the point less blood shed but are horrified at man's capacity to justify that pain and horror.
  4. citygirl's Avatar
    hello mocha, I can't add to these comments, only to say I agree. These are great poems, worthy of praise. They capture the reader, vivid imagery, and speak volumes....I like your style, and your voice is clear. Have you thought about publishing...you should.
  5. mocha's Avatar
    wow, you guys are making me blush! Thank you! But these are my best poems. i have some more that i think might be good but three poems might not be enough... But gosh... Thank you! I never thought they'd get such a response!

    @citygirl: You think they'd accept it?
  6. citygirl's Avatar
    yes I am sure they would accept your work, mocha, the only thing I am not sure of is how many poems you need in order to have them published, but you could submit one of them to a magazine, or contest, my suggestion anyway. It would give you exposure and a start at least.
  7. citygirl's Avatar
    mocha, not now, but when you have time could you please check out my poem, December Reigns , look for the revised version at the bottom, and under Poems on the Forum....no hurry, but would be interested to hear your view...thanks.
  8. mocha's Avatar
    sure, and thanks all of you!!
  9. citygirl's Avatar
    hi Mocha, Just wanted to wish you a happy new year and all the best to you always.